Computer Jokes

Bytes at the Bar

Eight bytes walk into a bar.
The bartender asks, “Can I get you anything?”
“Yeah,” reply the bytes.
“Make us a double.” 💻💻

Types of virus

CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.

ATandT VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the ATandT virus.

PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack—once if by LAN, twice if by C:>

Spouse emails

How can you tell if you have been spending too much time at home on the Internet?

Your spouse emails you a message saying dinner is ready and she/he uses the address
“Your spouse@home.com.”

Microsoft Built Cars

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.

4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought “Car95” or “CarNT”. But, then you would have to buy more seats.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive – but would only run on 5 percent of the roads.

6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.

7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single “general car default” warning light.

8. The air bag system would say, “are you sure?” before going off.

9. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

Computer Engineer

One day, a Mechanical Engineer, Electrical Engineer, Chemical Engineer and Computer Engineer were driving down the street in the same car.
All of a sudden, the car broke down.

The Mechanical Engineer said,
“I think a rod broke.”

The Chemical Engineer said,
“The way it sputtered at the end, I don’t think it’s getting gas.”

The Electrical Engineer said,
“I think there was a spark and something is wrong with the electrical system.”

All three turned to the computer engineer and said,
“What do you think?”

The Computer Engineer said,
“I think we should all get out and get back in.

Warning Signs

Warning Signs of Insanity for Programmers.

1. You stay up all night coding only to realize that you haven’t had any caffeine in about 6 hours.

2. You wonder why on earth anyone would make a programming language conform to such absolutely bizarre rules of grammar but in a strange way it actually begins to make sense.

3. You start dreaming in recursion (if you have any time to dream).

4. You realize not only is it daytime but your project is due in 2 hours, which isn’t enough time to even begin running it.

5. You start customizing your environment because you want it “just right” (and because further work on the program is futile).

6. You wonder when the invasion will begin.

7. You understand 8.

8. You start signing your name in octal (or binary) just because.

9. You know more programming commands than actual words.

10. You realize that you have reached the end, and there is no closing command.

Y2k

Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget.
We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system.
We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change.
We are proud to report that we have completed the “Y-to-K” date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect your new standards:

Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December

As well as:
Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak

I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem has made any sense to me.
But I understand it is a globalproblem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible. And what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you think
We ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00? We’ll await your direction.

Microsoft operated Restaurants

If Microsoft operated Restaurants Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I’ll be your Support

Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There’s a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won’t be there this time.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Snapple

Overheard: Bill Gates talking with one of his financial advisor’s…

Bill says,
“You did what with my 150 million dollars? I said Snapple, not Apple!”

A tough day

We had a tough day at the office yesterday.

The computers were all down and everyone had to think!

CHAT

You Know you are Addicted to the Internet When…

  • You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved, and you don’t have a clue when it happened.
  • Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
  • All of your friends have an @ in their names.
  • Your dog has its own home page.
  • You can’t call your mother… she doesn’t have a modem.
  • You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
  • You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
  • The last girl you asked out was only a jpeg.
  • Your wife says communication is important in a marriage… so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

VIRUS

An application was for employment; a program was a TV show; a cursor used profanity; a keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something you lost with age; a CD was a bank account; a hard drive was a
long road trip.

A web was a spider’s home, and a virus was the flu!

Some instructions

1. Home is where you hang your @.

2. The email of the species is more deadly than the mail.

3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

4. You can’t teach a new mouse old clicks.

5. Great groups from little icons grow.

6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

7. In some places, C:\ is the root of all directories.

8. Oh, what a tangled Website we weave when first we practice.

9. Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish.

10. The modem is the message.

11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.

12. The geek shall inherit the earth.

13. Don’t byte off more than you can view.

14. Fax is stranger than fiction.

15. What boots up must come down.

16. Windows will never cease.

17. Virtual reality is its own reward.

18. Modulation in all things.

19. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him to use the Net and he won’t bother you for weeks.

20. There’s no place like your homepage.

SIGNS

1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven’t played patience with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail your work colleague at the desk next to you to ask, “Do you fancy going down the pub?” and they reply, “Yeah, give me five minutes”.

5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South America, but you haven’t spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.

6. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date.

7. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

8. You consider regular mail painfully slow or call it “snail mail”.

9. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

10. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.

11. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

12. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a 0 to get an outside line.

13. You’ve sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

14. Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.

15. Your CV is on a diskette in your pocket.

16. You really get excited about a 1.7% pay rise.

17. You learn about your redundancy on the 6 o’clock news.

18. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose all your best jokes.

19. Your supervisor doesn’t have the ability to do your job.

20. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.

Monopoly

The Yankees have a monopoly game.
The Mets have a monopoly game.
Microsoft has a monopoly, no game but a lesson for us all.

A great writer

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define “great” he said,
“I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

My computer

My computer isn`t that nervous…it`s just a bit ANSI.

The mailbox

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when an attractive blonde neighbor came out of her house and went straight to her mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in her house. A little later, she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, opened it and slammed it shut again. Angered, she again stormed back in her house.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out yet again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it, and then slammed it shut harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions, the man asked, “Is something wrong?” “There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying “You’ve Got Mail.”

Cyber Comedy

Q: Why don’t hackers play hide and seek with computers?
A: Because the computers always find a backdoor! 🖥️🔓😄

iPhone

Q: Why did the iPhone go to therapy?
A: It couldn’t get rid of its syncing issues!

Yahoo!

Why did the computer keep going to Yahoo! for answers?
Because Google was feeling lucky and Bing was just a sound it made when turned on!

Flappy Bird

Why did Flappy Bird get kicked out of school?

He was always winging his tests!

Twitter

Why did the bird join Twitter?

It already had the tweets!

Smartphone

Why did the smartphone go to school?

It wanted to improve its “cell-f” esteem!

Photoshop

Why did the image go to therapy?
It had too many layers of issues!

How do Photoshop experts flirt?
“Are you a magic wand? Because every time I select you, everything else disappears.”

Why was the pixel upset at the vector?
Every time they argued, the vector kept saying, “It’s just not that clear cut!”

WordPress Jokes

Why did the blogger break up with Joomla and move to WordPress?
Because he found a better connection with WordPress, it’s more user-friendly!

Why was the WordPress website acting crazy?
Because it couldn’t decide on which theme to wear!

Why do WordPress users have an edge in debates?
Because they always have a “plug-in” for their argument!

Why did WordPress go to the party?
Because it heard there was going to be a “hosting”!

Why did the developer go broke?
Because he spent all his money on premium WordPress themes!

Why was the WordPress website good at baseball?
Because it always hit the right “tags”!

What do WordPress and a good restaurant have in common?
They both need to serve “cookies”!

Why was WordPress worried about its diet?
Because it had too many “cookies”!

Why did the WordPress site get an award?
Because it was outstanding in its “field” (custom field, that is)!

Why did the developer date WordPress?
Because it had all the right “features”!

Password Jokes

Why do computer hackers like to golf?
Because they’re great at driving and putting but really shine on the back nine when cracking the password!

How does a computer know if it has a good password?
It looks to see if it’s got character.

What’s a computer’s least favorite food?
A sloppy password.

What’s a hacker’s favorite type of password?
Yours.

Why did the hacker go broke?
Because he gave up all his cache for an easy password!

What does a polite password say?
Pardon me, but can you type me again?

What’s a ghost’s favorite type of password?
One that’s got a lot of spirit!

Why did the password get in trouble in school?
It couldn’t behave and kept breaking the rules!

What’s a cat’s favorite password?
“Claw1234”.

Why was the password bad at the game hide and seek?
Because it was always getting cracked!

Keyboard Jokes

Why don’t keyboards ever sleep?
Because they have two shifts!

Why was the keyboard feeling proud?
Because it has so many “caps”!

Why was the computer cold?
It left its Windows open and let in a draft!

What do you call a keyboard that can sing?
A Dell!

Why was the keyboard always losing at poker?
Because it kept showing a pair of Aces and a few 2s, 3s, and 4s!

Internet Jokes

Why don’t computers ever get cold?
Because they have Windows!

Why was the computer cold at the office?
It left its Windows open!

Why was the computer cold at home?
It left all of its Windows open!

How does a computer get drunk?
It takes screenshots.

What do you call a computer that sings?
A-Dell.

Why did the spider go to the computer?
To check his web site.

Why was the math book sad?
Because it had too many problems to solve… on the internet!

What do you call a computer floating in the ocean?
Adele Rolling in the Deep.

Why did the computer keep sneezing?
It had a bad virus.

Why did the computer go to the doctor?
It thought it had a terminal illness!

Internet Explorer Jokes

Why don’t we tell secrets in Internet Explorer?
Because it takes too long for them to get out!

Why did the computer break up with Internet Explorer?
It couldn’t handle a long-distance relationship.

Why was Internet Explorer always picked last in gym class?
It could never catch up!

How does Internet Explorer say “hello”?
“Welcome to the 90s!”

Why did Internet Explorer bring a map to the computer?
It heard there was a shortcut, but couldn’t find it.

Why does Internet Explorer go to therapy?
To deal with its loading issues.

Why does Internet Explorer always lose at poker?
It’s got a terrible poker “cache.”

What’s Internet Explorer’s favorite time of year?
Buffering… Loading answer…

How does Internet Explorer apologize?
It asks you to “accept cookies.”

Why can’t Internet Explorer play hide and seek?
Because it always takes too long to find anything!

What do you call an elderly Internet Explorer?
An Internet Explorosaurus.

What’s Internet Explorer’s favorite exercise?
It likes to jog, but it’s always a few laps behind.

Why is Internet Explorer always at the end of the line?
It’s never in sync.

Why doesn’t Internet Explorer have any friends at the party?
It always arrives late.

How does Internet Explorer propose to its partner?
“Will you accept this cookie?”

Why did Internet Explorer get a ticket?
It couldn’t keep up with the traffic.

What’s Internet Explorer’s favorite film?
The Slow and the Spurious.

Why does Internet Explorer make a terrible detective?
It takes forever to get a clue.

Why did Internet Explorer get kicked out of the race?
It was always buffering behind.

What does Internet Explorer and a traffic jam have in common?
They both make you wait and make you late!

OneNote Wonder

Why did the musician break up with OneNote?
There wasn’t enough harmony!

Teams Triumph

Why did the office workers become a football team?
They were always on Microsoft Teams!

Outlook Optimism

Why does Microsoft Outlook always stay positive?
It’s always looking at the brighter Outlook!

Azure Adventures

Why did the cloud date Azure?
It was looking for a sky-blue relationship!

Share-Point Shenanigans

What’s Microsoft’s favorite meeting place?
SharePoint, because they can always find a common ground!

Edge of Glory

Why did Internet Explorer go to therapy?
It felt replaced by Edge!

Power-Pointless

How does Bill Gates like to make his presentations?
Power-Pointless!

Excel Exuberance

Why did the cell break up with Excel?
It felt too crowded!

Wordy Warfare

Why did the sentence break up with Microsoft Word?
It felt too corrected!

Windows Woes

Why don’t Microsoft employees get locked out of their homes?
Because they always leave a Window open!

Hardware Humor

Q: Why was the computer late to work?
A: It had a hard drive.

Code Comedy

Q: Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up?
A: Because Oct 31 == Dec 25.

Digital Drollery

Q: Why was the computer cold?
A: It left its Windows open!

Computer Dad Jokes

Why did the computer cross the road? To get to the binary side.

What do you call a computer superhero? A Screen Saver.

Why did the computer programmer quit her job? Because she didn’t get arrays.

What did the Java Code say to the C code? You’ve got no class.

A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep. A full one, in case he gets thirsty, and an empty one, in case he doesn’t.

Why do programmers prefer dark mode? Because light attracts bugs.

What’s the ultimate hide and seek champion? A variable.

What do you call a programmer who doesn’t understand recursion? Devoid of self-reference.

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. It’s a hardware problem.

Why did the computer spy get fired? She couldn’t hack it.

Why did the computer programmer’s girlfriend leave him? He had problems committing.

What do you call a group of computers that are always together? A LAN party.

Why did the website go to the hospital? It had a bad URL.

What do you call a computer that’s always tired? A CPU.

Why did the computer get so angry? Because it had a chip on its shoulder.

Computer science jokes

Why did the programmer quit her job? Because she didn’t get arrays.

What did the Java Code say to the C code? You’ve got no class.

A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep. A full one, in case he gets thirsty, and an empty one, in case he doesn’t.

Why do programmers prefer dark mode? Because light attracts bugs.

What’s the ultimate hide and seek champion? A variable.

What do you call a programmer who doesn’t understand recursion? Devoid of self-reference.

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. It’s a hardware problem.

Why did the computer spy get fired? She couldn’t hack it.

Why did the computer programmer’s girlfriend leave him? He had problems committing.

There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

The Three Engineers

There are three engineers in a car, an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineeer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, “Why don`t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it`ll work !?”

Bill Gates Chair

Bill Gates died in an accident involving a misguided pie which was thrown at him by an angry Macintosh protester. Because of his achievements in life, it was decided that he should go to heaven.

God Personally showed Bill around heaven, displaying the Waterfalls, Great Forests, Lagoon’s and Wet-T-shirt contests that are held regularly. Bill was impressed by all of them and kept nodding his head in approval, which pleased God because he enjoyed pleasing others.

When they finished the tour, God took Bill into his Throne room and sat down on the blindingly shiny throne. God asked Bill how he had enjoyed heaven so far, and Bill replied;

“It’s been great, but you’re in my chair.”

Conversation With Software Engineer

Never marry a software engineer. Just have a look at this conversation and then decide Yourself.

Husband – hey dear, I am logged in.

Wife – would you like to have some snacks? Husband – hard disk full.

Wife – have you brought the saree. Husband – Bad command or file name.

Wife – but I told you about it in morning Husband – erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.

Wife – Oh God !forget it where’s your salary. Husband – file in use, read only, try after some time.

Wife – at least give me your credit card, i can do some shopping. Husband – sharing violation, access denied.

Wife – I made a mistake in marrying you. Husband – data type mismatch.

Wife – you are useless. Husband – by default.

Wife – who was there with you in the car this morning? Husband – system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to Reboot.

Wife – what is the relation between you & your Receptionist? Husband – the only user with write permission.

Wife – what is my value in your life? Husband – unknown virus detected.

Wife – do you love me or your computer? Husband – Too many parameters.

Wife – I will go to my dad’s house. Husband – program performed illegal operation, it will Close.

Wife – I will leave you forever. Husband – close all programs and log out for another User.

Wife – it is worthless talking to you. Husband – shut down the computer.

Wife – I am going Husband – Its now safe to turn off your computer.

The Computer that Diagnoses

One day Bill complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor.” His friend offered, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor.” “Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.” Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:

You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy lifting.
It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.

Your dog has worms.
Get him vitamins.

Your daughter is using cocaine.
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

Your wife is pregnant with twin girls.
They aren’t yours.
Get a lawyer.

And if you don’t stop jerking off, your
tennis elbow will never get better.

Times Have Changed

** Times have changed **

25 years Ago… A program was a television show

An application was for employment

Windows were something you hated to clean

A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano

Memory was something you lost with age

Compress was something you did to garbage

A hard drive was a long trip on the road

Log on was adding wood to a fire

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

Cut you did with scissors

The Computer Business

My husband and I are both in an Internet business, but he’s the one who truly lives, eat, and breathes computers.

I finally realized how bad it had gotten when I was scratching his back one day.

“No, not there,” he directed. “Scroll down…”

The wrong E-mail

A man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. Hearing the scream, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

“Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Merits of Mistress

An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress. The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered. The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems. The computer scientist says “It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. My wife thinks I’m with my mistress. My mistress thinks I’m home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!”

Keeping a programmer busy

Q: How do you keep a programmer in the shower all day?
A: Give him a bottle of shampoo which says “lather, rinse, repeat.”

Printer Repair

When a guy’s printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer’s manual and trying the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, “Does your boss know that you discourage business?”

“Actually, it is my boss’s idea,” the employee replied sheepishly. “We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first.”

Bill Gates Buys Some Lovin’

Bill Gates meets Hugh Grant at a Hollywood party. They are talking and Bill says: “I’ve seen some great pictures of Divine Brown lately, I sure would like to get together with her!” Hugh replies: “Well Bill, you know ever since our incident, her price has skyrocketed, she’s charging a small fortune.”
Bill: “Hugh, money’s no object to me. What’s her number.” So, Hugh gives Bill her number and Bill sets up a date.

They meet & after they finish, Bill is lying there in ecstasy, mumbling “God…now I know why you chose the name Divine.”

To which she replies: “Thank you, Bill…..and now I know how you chose the name ….. Microsoft.”

Bill Gates in Hell

Upon dying, Bill Gates went to purgatory.

St. Peter said to his, “Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go”.

So ,Bill takes a look at hell and sees these beautiful women running around, in 80 degree temperature, on beautiful beaches.

Then he took a look at heaven and it was nice, you know harps and singing and worship and stuff like that.

So he said to St. Peter that he would like to go to hell.

About a week later, St. Peter went down to hell to check on Bill. There he saw him, being whipped by demons.

He said to St. Peter, “What happened to all the beautiful women, and the beaches and the 80 degree temperature?”

Peter replied, “That was just the screen saver.”

Bill Gates, Super Ego

One day, Saint Peter called up to Heaven Bill Clinton, Colin Powell, and Bill Gates. He said to them, “I’ve called you here because you are the 3 most influential spokespersons in the world. Go back to Earth and tell everyone there is a God, but he’s blowing up the world tomorrow.”
So, Bill Clinton went back and said, “Fellow Americans, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is there is a God, and the bad news is he’s blowing up the world tomorrow.”

Colin Powell went back and said, “I have some bad news and some good news. The bad news is there is a God and the good news is he’s blowing up the world tomorrow.”

Then, Bill Gates went down, gathered up all his computer buddies on the Internet and said, ” I have some good news. The first part of the good news is I’ve been voted one of the 3 most influential spokespersons in the world. The other good news is the Y2K problem is solved.”

Computer Memory

Q: How does a computer tell you it needs more memory?

A: It says “byte me”

Computer Terminology

Log On: Makin’ the wood stove hotter.

Log Off: Don’t add no wood.

Monitor: Keepin’ an eye on the wood stove.

Download: Gettin’ the firewood off the pickup.

Mega Hertz: When yer not careful down loadin’.

Floppy Disk: Whatcha git from pilin’ too much firewood.

Ram: The hydrolic thingy that splits the firewood.

Hard Drive: Getting’ home in the winter season.

Prompt: What you wish the mail was in the winter.

Windows: What to shut when it’s below 15 below.

Screen: What ‘cha need for the black fly season.

Byte: That’s what the flies do.

Chip: What to munch on.

Micro Chip: What’s left in the bottom of the bag.

Infrared: Where the left-overs go when Fred’s around.

Modem: What ‘cha did to the hay fields.

Dot Matrix: Farmer Matrix’s wife.

Lap Top: Where little kids feel comfy.

Keyboard: Where ya hang your keys.

Software: Them plastic eatin’ utensils.

Mouse: Whats eats the horses grain.

Main Frame: Hold up the barn roof.

Port: Fancy wine.

Enter: C’mon in.

Random Access Memory: You can’t remember whatcha’ paid for that new rifle when your wife asks.

Computer vs. Air Conditioner

How is a computer like an air conditioner?

When you open Windows it won’t work!

Dr. Seuss as Technical Writer

Dr. Seuss as Technical Writer

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted ’cause the index doesn’t hash,
then your situation’s hopeless and your system’s gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
that’s repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
’cause as sure as I’m a poet, the sucker’s gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy’s getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc,
Then you have to flash your memory and you’ll want to RAM your ROM
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!

Helisoft

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter’s position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said “WHERE AM I?” in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.”

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

“I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer.”

Hot Air Balloon

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”

The man below says: “Yes. You’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”

“You must work in Information Technology” says the balloonist.

“I do” replies the man. “How did you know?”

“Well” says the balloonist, “Everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s no use to anyone.”

The man below says, “You must work in business.”

“I do” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” says the man, “You don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”

If Microsoft Was Looking for Drivers

If Microsoft built cars you would need to restart your car, then it would perform illegal operations and crash.

If Your City Was Like AOL

You’d live in a place where no two people had the same name, and all were hot 17/f cheerleaders with a fetish for pierced gay Dobermans in spandex.

You’d only pay $19.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.

Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you’d be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door salescreeps offering you great AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99

The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard.

48 hours after moving in, your mailbox would be overflowing with special offers, promotions and discounts from www.getlaid.com

The local post office would tell your mother you’re not a known resident.

The local post office wouldn’t forward your mail to you when you move.

The administration would kick you out of town for cursing after one of those brutal toe stubs.

If you saw a crime and called 911, they’d reply a week later with a form letter saying how you “really are important to us.”

The administration would tell your boss to either pay up, or move his slack-ass company somewhere else.

Everyone on the street would have something to do with kiddy porn, and this business would account for 75% of all city revenue.

Every time you went to the mall, people would run up to you and violently scream M/F??!!, AGE/SEX?!?! Or g0t PH1SH d3wd?!11 while little kids called your cell phone saying “Wanna SCREW?”

Those that didn’t do that would call you and say “Hi, I’m j0e hax0r from the town council. We had a database crash and lost your tax records. Please give us your address and the key to your house or we will be forced to evict you and your family.”

Every time you went shopping, you’d be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming “WE’RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE.”

Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license tag and laugh behind your back.

Even your 3 year old son would know the intimate personal details of the town security expert.

You’d occasionally be sent home during the day by another bouncer telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation, but that it’s really the Earth’s fault.

The local McDonalds sign would be realistically changed to “McHax0r Wuz H3r3” and “Gr33tz 2 K}It0sawruz” almost daily. Police don’t investigate, but do show up with little scrubby tools, or just remove the sign altogether.

Half the kids in the daycare you use are thinly disguised, fat, hairy, drooling, diapered men holding sacks of candy.

Your daughter would disappear to the No-Tell Motel every night, and you’d foot the bill.

Putting up controversial art in your home would result in the police bashing in your door, throwing your ass on the floor, and kicking the crap out of you while saying “Ya got two chances left, dickface. ROFLMAO LOL!!”

You’d send your kids to school for history, math, and science, but they’d wind up studying ph1shing, one-handed typing, and annoying acronyms.

You’d not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone’s mailbox with crap, and vacate before sun-up.

The administration would secretly sell off chunks of their personal land in the city, while buying up neighboring cities with imaginary funds.

The administration would build a huge, state- of- the- art park, and allow the kids to play there free, then suddenly demand money while ripping down the swings and beating the kids currently playing there.

Don’t forget the AOL playground, which is locked so that the kiddies can not get out “for safety reasons,” and then hordes of perverts & pedophiles are allowed in.

The police would work for free out of some sort of “duty” to the city, but would secretly only be doing it for the free food stamps.

Upon waking every morning, a voice from above would shout, “HEY! YOU DO WANT A GODDAMN AOL VISA, DON’T YOU?” To which you say “no.” The voice then replies, “OK, I’LL ASK YOU TOMMOROW.”

A trip to the local library would find you a few ancient doom 2 patches, commercial pix of Pamela Anderson Lee, and a viral copy of PkZip 2.04g

Community events would be periodically interrupted because of the speaker randomly flying out of the meeting hall and appearing several minutes later with some stupid comment about a Punt Monster.

Your neighbors would be called to leave on pilgrimages to a mystical land called USENET, where they would bleat the virtues of your fair city.

Somewhere in another city, David Cassel would be sitting with a telescope trained on City Hall, smiling contentedly.

Microsoft and a Halter Top

What do Microsoft and a halter top have in common?

Both offer very little support!

Confusion about Y2K

Dear Boss,

I hope I haven’t misunderstood your instructions. Because to be honest, boss, none of this Y to K dates problem makes any sense to me.

At any rate I have finished converting all the months on all the company calendars so that the year 2000 is ready to go with the following improved months: Januark, Februark, Mak, Julk.

In addition, I have changed the days of the week, and they are now: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak and Saturdak.

Is it enough, or should I change any other Y to K? I am a fan of the New York Yankees. Should I call them New Kork Kankees in order to be Y2K ready?

Some Character

Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete them on my PC?
ANSWER: The characters go to different places, depending on whom you ask:
The Buddhist explanation: If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then after it has been deleted it will be reincarnated as a different, higher character. Those funny characters above the numbers on your keyboard will become numbers, numbers will become letters, and lower-case letters will become upper-case.

The 20th-century bitter cynical nihilist explanation: Who cares? It doesn’t really matter if they’re on the page, deleted, undeleted, underlined, etc. It’s all the same.

The Mac user’s explanation: All the characters written on a PC and then deleted go to straight to PC hell. If you’re using a PC, you can probably see the deleted characters, because you’re in PC hell also.

Stephen King’s explanation: Every time you hit the (Del) key you unleash a tiny monster inside the cursor, who tears the poor, unsuspecting characters to shreds, drinks their blood, then eats them, bones and all. Hah, hah, hah!

The Christian Church’s approach to characters: The nice characters go to Heaven, where they are bathed in the light of happiness. The naughty characters are punished for their sins. Naughty characters are those involved in the creation of naughty words, such as “breast, ” “sex, ” and contraception.”

Dave Barry’s explanation: The deleted characters are shipped to Battle Creek, Michigan, where they’re made into Pop-Tart filling; this explains why Pop-Tarts are so flammable, while cheap imitations are not flammable. I’m not making this up.

IBM’s explanation: The characters are not real. They exist only on the screen when they are needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely to de-conceptualize them. Get a life.

PETA’s (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) explanation: You’ve been DELETING them??? Can’t you hear them SCREAMING??? Why don’t you go CLUB some BABY SEALS while wearing a MINK, you pig!!!!

Signs Your Co-Worker Is a Hacker

– Everyone who ticks him or her off gets a $26,000 phone bill.

– Has won the Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes three years running.

– When asked for their phone number, they give it in hex.

– Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

– Somehow gets HBO on their PC at work.

– Mumbled, “Oh, puh-leeeez!” 295 times during the movie “The Net.”

– Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.

– Their video dating profile lists “public-key encryption” among turn-ons.

– Instead of the “Welcome” voice on AOL, you overhear, “Good Morning, Mr./Ms. President.”

– You hear them murmur, “Let’s see you use that VISA card now, Professor “I-Don’t-Give-A’s-In-Computer-Science!”

What Gender is Your Computer

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like ‘chalk’ or ‘pencil, ‘ she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, ‘What gender is a computer?’
The teacher wasn’t certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was made up of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you might have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Enter email

While at MSDN site, a popup dialog appears:
“May we send you a survey? Enter email:”
I reply: “Nope”.
“Enter valid email address:”
“Leave me alone!”
“Enter valid email address:”
noway@spammers.com
“Thank you”

Three Hellos

A man comes home from work early to find his wife in bed with three men.

He is completely shocked and shouts, ”Hello, Hello, Hello!”

His wife whines, “What? No hello for me!?!”

Bill Gates and General Motors

Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.

“If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades,” boasts Gates, “you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50.”

“Sure,” says the GM chairman. “But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?”

The Help Desk

This is a true story from the WordPerfect help line. Needless to say the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for “Termination without Cause”.

(Actual dialog of a former Word perfect Customer Support employee:)

“Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?”

“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”

“What sort of trouble?”

“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”

“Went away?”

“They disappeared.”

“Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”

“Nothing.”

“Nothing?”

“It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”

“Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”

“How do I tell?”

“Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?”

“What’s a sea-prompt?”

“Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?”

“There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”

“Does your monitor have a power indicator?”

“What’s a monitor?”

“It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.

Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?”

“Yes, I think so.”

“Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.”

“…….Yes, it is.”

“When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”

“No.”

“Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”

“…….Okay, here it is.”

“Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”

“I can’t reach.”

“Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”

“No.”

“Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”

“Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle, it’s because it’s dark.”

“Dark?”

“Yes – the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”

“Well, turn on the office light then.”

“I can’t.”

“No? Why not?”

“Because there’s a power outage.”

“A power… A power outage? Aha, Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”

“Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”

“Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”

“Really? Is it that bad?”

“Yes, I’m afraid it is.”

“Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”

“Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer.”

The Programmer and the Princess

A programmer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.”
The programmer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you and do anything you want.” Again the programmer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess that I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?” The programmer said, “Look, I’m a programmer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend — but a talking frog, now that’s cool.”

Tech Glossary

486: The average IQ needed to understand a PC.
State-of-the-art: Any computer you can’t afford.

Obsolete: Any computer you own.

Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

G3: Apple’s new Macs that make you say ‘Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago.’

Syntax Error: Walking into a computer store and saying, “Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object.”

Hard Drive: The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.

GUI: What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced ‘gooey’)

Keyboard: The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy: The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Portable Computer: A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

Disk Crash: A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

Power User: Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

System Update: A quick method of trashing ALL of your software

Arnold’s Search Engine

Which Search Engine does Arnold Schwarzenegger use?

Alta Vista baby.

Floppy

What’s the difference between a computer and a woman?

A computer will accept a three-and-a-half-inch floppy.

Still a virgin

Hear about the woman who married three different Microsoft employees and still died a virgin?

Her first husband was in Training, and he kept teaching her how to do it herself.

The second one was in Sales, and he kept telling her how good it was going to be in the next release.

The third was in Tech Support, and he kept saying, “Don’t worry, it’ll be up any minute now…”

Not Found

Graphic Card Not Found. Please click CANCEL to continue.’

OS Knights

In the realm of the Mighty King Gates who has pulled the sword from the stone and slaughtered everyone with it, comes the knights of the MS Table:

Sir DOS: Plain complexion and no armor. Rides very stably on his mare. He very rarely falls, but knows only the most basic combat tactics and is very difficult to talk to, since he speaks and understands no more than eight-letter words. King Gates plots to murder him.

Sir Windows 1.0: Sir DOS’s twin brother with a bad toupee. He falls off his horse quite frequently and knows no more than Sir DOS. Just as difficult to communicate with due to his obsession with eight-letter words. He was killed in his first battle. King Gates pretends this one never existed.

Sir Windows 3.x: Sir Windows 1.0’s best friend. He is a wee bit more stable on his horse than Sir Windows 1.0, yet not as good as Sir DOS. He’s got some really neat designs on his shield but still does not know much more than Sir DOS. Sir Windows 3.x has yet to overcome his devotion to eight-letter words. King Gates is always asking, ‘Why can’t you be more like that nice Sir Windows95?’

Sir Windows95: Sir Windows 3.x’s Brother. He’s got the same designs on his shield, but his armor is very shiny. Knows advanced combat skills, but never really puts them to use. Not confined to eight- letter words anymore, but it depends who he’s talking to. Claims to be able to converse with many people at once, but if he tries to coverse with too many, he’ll fall right off his horse and land on top of somebody. King Gates is proud of this one.

Sir Windows NT: Sir Windows95’s tough-guy uncle. He’s got duller designs on his shield, but the same shiny armor. His armor is virtually impenetrable, but a pain to get into and impossible to get out of — all he can do is add more layers. Falls off his horse every once in a while, and everyone else goes right with him. Can converse with many people at once without falling off. He knows advanced combat skills and uses them when necessary. Has the same problems with eight-letter words as Sir Windows95. This is King Gates’ favorite thing to show off. Now we leave the realm of the Mighty King Gates and find the wandering swordsman of the land:

Sir UNIX: Does not do battle and wears only chain mail. He finds all the information he can and his only goal is to distribute it to others who ask. Knows games and will play them, but likes work better. King Gates has sent Sir Windows NT out to kill and mutilate this knight.

Sir MAC OS: Started the fad of the shiny armor and claims the knights of the realm of King Gates stole his ideas. Lately his popularity has declined. And recently he has made an alliance with King Gates. He does not know any useful battle skills and will tell you only what he thinks you should know. The good thing about him is that he has no problem with long words.

Sir OS/2: Spied on Sir Windows 3.x and Sir Windows95 and copied them. He was popular for a time, but now many refuse to acknowledge his exsitstence. There is a rumor that he has a son named Warp.

King Gates reigns high over all that is his and destroys or consumes all that is not. And these are the OS Knights.

Why E-Mail is Like a Penis

Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.
Those who have it think that those who don’t are somehow inferior.

Those who don’t have it may agree that it’s neat, but think it’s not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.

Many of those who don’t have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call “E-Mail Envy.”

It’s more fun when it’s up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.

In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species.

Some people still think that’s the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.

If you don’t take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.

If you use it too much, you’ll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

If you’re not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.

If you play with it too much, you could go blind.

Email Error

It’s wise to remember how easily email can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences. Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.

Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

A couple of programmers lay in a bed

A couple of programmers lay in a bed.
She: Do you want to repeat the procedure?
He: Function has not returned the value.

Message

Closing a task, I get the following message:
“If you shutdown this program, it will not function
correctly”.
Well, what do you know! I thought it would just keep on working!

Writing’s Powerful Message

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a “great” writer.
When asked to define “great” he said “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!”

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

Microsoft vs. shakespeare

They say that if you have an infinite number of monkeys typing at an infinite number of keyboards for an infinite period of time, you will get the collected works of Shakespeare.

If you get the source code to Microsoft Windows, you need to add more monkeys.

How to be Annoying in the Computer Lab

• Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream, “Oh my God! They’ve found me!” and bolt.
• Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes and then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
• When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can’t get the darned thing to work.
• After he/she’s turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, and repeat the process for a good half hour.
• Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
• Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different screen than the one it’s set up with.
• Write a program that plays the “Pokemon” theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over and over again.
• Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
• Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.
• Use AIM to make passes at people you don’t know.
• Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
• Bring a chainsaw, but don’t use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say, “Just in case…” mysteriously.
• Type on VAX for awhile. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes about everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.
• Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they’re crazy while typing.
• Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.
• Ask around for a spare zip disk. Offer $1. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, “Oops. Forgot.”
• Every time you press return and there is processing time required, pray, “Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease,” and scream “YES!” when it finishes.
• “Disk fight!”
• Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you, whether you know them or not.
• Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
• If you’re sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing “The Thong Song” whenever there is processing time required.
• Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper and tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.
• Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge in the disk drive. When it doesn’t work, get the supervisor.
• When you start up a PC, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is.
• Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when it’s all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was a line or two.
• Sit and stare at the screen, chomping on your nails. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.
• Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is • far more effective to let them linger.
• If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them, and deposit them on your neighbor’s keyboard as you leave.
• Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British royal family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
• Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them on top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.
• Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.
• Laugh hysterically, shout “You will all perish in a great flood” and continue working.
• Bring some dry ice and make it look like the computer is

We Can Fix It

A computer engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer are driving down a mountain road when the brakes fail. They scream down the mountain gaining speed every second and screeching around corners. Finally they manage to stop, more by luck than by judgment, mere inches from a thousand-foot drop to the jagged rocks on the valley floor. More than slightly shaken, they emerge from the car.

“I think I can fix it,” says the computer engineer.

The systems analyst says, “No, I think we should take it into town and have a specialist examine it.”

The programmer holds his chin between thumb and forefinger and says, “Okay, but first I think we ought to get back in and see if it does it again.”

Computers

A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman:
“I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computerscreen.”

The surprised salesman replies: “But, madam, computers do not have curtains…. ”

And the blonde said: “Helloooo………….I’ve got Windows!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Not long enough!

A woman is helping her computer illiterate husband set up his computer. She instructs him to choose and enter a password he wants to use, when logging on.

The husband, in a rather amorous mood, figures he will try for a shock effect to bring his mood to his wife’s attention. So when the computer asks him to enter his password, he makes it plainly obvious to his wife that he is keying in the word, “PENIS”.

His wife nearly falls off the he chair from laughing so hard, when the computer replies:

**PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH. ***

Computers Male or Female

Humankind’s propensity for imposing anthropomorphic characteristics on inanimate objects has now reached computers. But, which gender should your PC be?

Here are the top ten reasons why they have to be male.

They have a lot of data, but they’re still clueless.
A better model is just around the corner.
They look nice and shiny until you get them home.
It’s always essential to have a backup.
They’ll do whatever you want if you push the right buttons.
The best part of having one is the games you can play.
In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
The lights are on but nobody’s home.
Big power surges knock them out at night.
Size does matter.

But then again, here are the top ten reasons why they are obviously female.

They’re oh so picky, picky, picky.
They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
Beauty is only shell deep.
When you ask them what’s wrong, they always say ‘nothing’.
They can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.
They are always turning simple statements into big productions.
Small talk is important.
You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it’s wrong.
They make you take the garbage out.
Miss a period and they go wild.

Computer Riddles

Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up? Because DEC 25 = OCT 31
Why don’t the British build computers? Because they can’t figure out how to make them leak oil!

What do you call a computer scientist? It doesn’t matter what you call him. He’s too involved with the computer to come anyway.

What do miniskirts and hard disks have in common? Access time.

What do Unix sysadmins do when they’re horny? Mount a filesystem.

Why is “256 Ways To Make Love” the most quoted book on the Internet? It’s in the Fucking Manual

Why do Computer Science majors smell so bad? So that blind students can hate them too. Computer Riddles Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up? Because DEC 25 = OCT 31

Why don’t the British build computers? Because they can’t figure out how to make them leak oil!

What do you call a computer scientist? It doesn’t matter what you call him. He’s too involved with the computer to come anyway.

What do miniskirts and hard disks have in common? Access time.

What do Unix sysadmins do when they’re horny? Mount a filesystem.

Why is “256 Ways To Make Love” the most quoted book on the Internet? It’s in the Fucking Manual

Why do Computer Science majors smell so bad? So that blind students can hate them too.

Computer Nerds

A truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers, stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door that says, “COMPUTER NERDS NOT ALLOWED – ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!” He enters and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says that he smells kind of nerdy. He then asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver explains to him that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender serves him a beer and says, “OK, truck drivers aren’t nerds.”

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt that is at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that.

The bartender replied, “Don’t worry. The computer nerds are in season because they are overpopulating Silicon Valley. You don’t even need a license.”

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads for the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the road. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the computers. The scavengers are comprised of engineers, accountants and programmers – computer geeks. Each of them wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

He can’t let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said, “What’s wrong? I thought computer nerds were in season.”

“Well, sure,” says the patrolman, “But you can’t bait ’em!”

M.Y.A.S.S

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. known as:

“Millennia Year Application Software System” (MYASS).

Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a
good look at MYASS. We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.

Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate’s office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, “I’m a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before.” I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS. There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS.

This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, “here, stick this in MYASS.”

Software Upgrade

Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. and now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Desperate
********************************************
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package,while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGH! T YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0.If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly. WAV files. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.
These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,
Tech! Support

Bless This Computer

Dear Lord,
Every single evening As I’m lying here in bed
This tiny little prayer Keeps running through my head.
God bless my mom and dad, And other family.
Keep them warm and safe from harm
For they’re so close to me.

And God, there is one more thing
I wish that you could do.
Hope you don’t mind me asking,
Bless my computer too.

Now I know that it’s not normal
To bless a mother board,
But listen just a second
While I explain to you ‘My Lord’.

You see, that little metal box
Holds more than odds & ends
Inside those small compartments
Rest so many of my FRIENDS.

I know so much about them
By the kindness that they give
And this little scrap of metal
Takes me in to where they work or live.

By faith is how I know them
Much the same as you
We share in what life brings us
And from that our friendship grew.

Please, take an extra minute
From your duties up above
To bless those in my address book
That’s filled with so much love!

Wherever else this prayer may reach
To each and every friend,
Bless each email inbox
And the person who hits “send”.

When you update your heavenly list
On your own CD-Rom
Remember each who’ve said this prayer
Sent up to God.com.

Amen.

You Might Be An Internet Explorer User…

1. If your email address is listed on your business cards as “www.joesmith@yahoo.com”, you might be an IE user.

2. If you actually think you will get $50 for “punching the monkey.”

3. When someone tells you to restart your computer and you turn the monitor off and back on, you just might be an IE user.

4. If someone tells you to go to “www.whatever.com” so you go to Google and search for it, you are probably an IE user.

5. If someone tells you you need a firewall and so you go to the store and buy Norton firewall in a box for $70, you might just possibly be an IE user.

6. When you get a popup ad showing a Windows-like warning and you think it is a Windows warning box, you might be an IE user.

7. If you web browser has 8 search bars and you don’t even know how they got there, you might be an IE user.

8. If you get pop-up ads and you aren’t even using the Internet, you just might possibly be an IE user.

9. If you have mysterious charges on your card because you received an email from “E-Bay” saying your account would be suspended if you didn’t update your credit card information by clicking “this link”, you must be an IE user.

10. If, while reading this list, you are receiving the message “NT AUTHORITY/SYSTEM will shut down in 60 seconds”, you might be an IE user.

Boring Conversation Types of virus

The Ultimate Collection of Computer Jokes

Computer jokes are funny lines or stories about computers, programming, or tech stuff. They often make fun of computer problems or geeky habits. For example, a joke might ask, “Why was the computer cold?” The answer is, “It left its Windows open!” Another joke could be about why programmers like nature. The answer is, “Because it has no bugs.” These jokes are easy to understand and meant to make people laugh, especially those who use computers a lot or know about programming.

Here are some of the best Computer jokes:

Bytes at the Bar

Eight bytes walk into a bar.
The bartender asks, “Can I get you anything?”
“Yeah,” reply the bytes.
“Make us a double.” 💻💻

Types of virus

CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.

ATandT VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the ATandT virus.

PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack—once if by LAN, twice if by C:>

Spouse emails

How can you tell if you have been spending too much time at home on the Internet?

Your spouse emails you a message saying dinner is ready and she/he uses the address
“Your spouse@home.com.”

Microsoft Built Cars

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.

4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought “Car95” or “CarNT”. But, then you would have to buy more seats.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive – but would only run on 5 percent of the roads.

6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.

7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single “general car default” warning light.

8. The air bag system would say, “are you sure?” before going off.

9. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

Hilarious Shorts

Computer Engineer

One day, a Mechanical Engineer, Electrical Engineer, Chemical Engineer and Computer Engineer were driving down the street in the same car.
All of a sudden, the car broke down.

The Mechanical Engineer said,
“I think a rod broke.”

The Chemical Engineer said,
“The way it sputtered at the end, I don’t think it’s getting gas.”

The Electrical Engineer said,
“I think there was a spark and something is wrong with the electrical system.”

All three turned to the computer engineer and said,
“What do you think?”

The Computer Engineer said,
“I think we should all get out and get back in.

Warning Signs

Warning Signs of Insanity for Programmers.

1. You stay up all night coding only to realize that you haven’t had any caffeine in about 6 hours.

2. You wonder why on earth anyone would make a programming language conform to such absolutely bizarre rules of grammar but in a strange way it actually begins to make sense.

3. You start dreaming in recursion (if you have any time to dream).

4. You realize not only is it daytime but your project is due in 2 hours, which isn’t enough time to even begin running it.

5. You start customizing your environment because you want it “just right” (and because further work on the program is futile).

6. You wonder when the invasion will begin.

7. You understand 8.

8. You start signing your name in octal (or binary) just because.

9. You know more programming commands than actual words.

10. You realize that you have reached the end, and there is no closing command.

Y2k

Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget.
We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system.
We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change.
We are proud to report that we have completed the “Y-to-K” date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect your new standards:

Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December

As well as:
Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak

I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem has made any sense to me.
But I understand it is a globalproblem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible. And what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you think
We ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00? We’ll await your direction.

Microsoft operated Restaurants

If Microsoft operated Restaurants Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I’ll be your Support

Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There’s a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won’t be there this time.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Snapple

Overheard: Bill Gates talking with one of his financial advisor’s…

Bill says,
“You did what with my 150 million dollars? I said Snapple, not Apple!”

A tough day

We had a tough day at the office yesterday.

The computers were all down and everyone had to think!

CHAT

You Know you are Addicted to the Internet When…

  • You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved, and you don’t have a clue when it happened.
  • Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
  • All of your friends have an @ in their names.
  • Your dog has its own home page.
  • You can’t call your mother… she doesn’t have a modem.
  • You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
  • You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
  • The last girl you asked out was only a jpeg.
  • Your wife says communication is important in a marriage… so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

VIRUS

An application was for employment; a program was a TV show; a cursor used profanity; a keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something you lost with age; a CD was a bank account; a hard drive was a
long road trip.

A web was a spider’s home, and a virus was the flu!

Some instructions

1. Home is where you hang your @.

2. The email of the species is more deadly than the mail.

3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

4. You can’t teach a new mouse old clicks.

5. Great groups from little icons grow.

6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

7. In some places, C:\ is the root of all directories.

8. Oh, what a tangled Website we weave when first we practice.

9. Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish.

10. The modem is the message.

11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.

12. The geek shall inherit the earth.

13. Don’t byte off more than you can view.

14. Fax is stranger than fiction.

15. What boots up must come down.

16. Windows will never cease.

17. Virtual reality is its own reward.

18. Modulation in all things.

19. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him to use the Net and he won’t bother you for weeks.

20. There’s no place like your homepage.

SIGNS

1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven’t played patience with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail your work colleague at the desk next to you to ask, “Do you fancy going down the pub?” and they reply, “Yeah, give me five minutes”.

5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South America, but you haven’t spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.

6. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date.

7. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

8. You consider regular mail painfully slow or call it “snail mail”.

9. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

10. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.

11. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

12. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a 0 to get an outside line.

13. You’ve sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

14. Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.

15. Your CV is on a diskette in your pocket.

16. You really get excited about a 1.7% pay rise.

17. You learn about your redundancy on the 6 o’clock news.

18. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose all your best jokes.

19. Your supervisor doesn’t have the ability to do your job.

20. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.

Monopoly

The Yankees have a monopoly game.
The Mets have a monopoly game.
Microsoft has a monopoly, no game but a lesson for us all.

A great writer

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define “great” he said,
“I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

My computer

My computer isn`t that nervous…it`s just a bit ANSI.

The mailbox

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when an attractive blonde neighbor came out of her house and went straight to her mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in her house. A little later, she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, opened it and slammed it shut again. Angered, she again stormed back in her house.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out yet again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it, and then slammed it shut harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions, the man asked, “Is something wrong?” “There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying “You’ve Got Mail.”

Cyber Comedy

Q: Why don’t hackers play hide and seek with computers?
A: Because the computers always find a backdoor! 🖥️🔓😄

iPhone

Q: Why did the iPhone go to therapy?
A: It couldn’t get rid of its syncing issues!

Yahoo!

Why did the computer keep going to Yahoo! for answers?
Because Google was feeling lucky and Bing was just a sound it made when turned on!

Flappy Bird

Why did Flappy Bird get kicked out of school?

He was always winging his tests!

Twitter

Why did the bird join Twitter?

It already had the tweets!

Smartphone

Why did the smartphone go to school?

It wanted to improve its “cell-f” esteem!

Photoshop

Why did the image go to therapy?
It had too many layers of issues!

How do Photoshop experts flirt?
“Are you a magic wand? Because every time I select you, everything else disappears.”

Why was the pixel upset at the vector?
Every time they argued, the vector kept saying, “It’s just not that clear cut!”

WordPress Jokes

Why did the blogger break up with Joomla and move to WordPress?
Because he found a better connection with WordPress, it’s more user-friendly!

Why was the WordPress website acting crazy?
Because it couldn’t decide on which theme to wear!

Why do WordPress users have an edge in debates?
Because they always have a “plug-in” for their argument!

Why did WordPress go to the party?
Because it heard there was going to be a “hosting”!

Why did the developer go broke?
Because he spent all his money on premium WordPress themes!

Why was the WordPress website good at baseball?
Because it always hit the right “tags”!

What do WordPress and a good restaurant have in common?
They both need to serve “cookies”!

Why was WordPress worried about its diet?
Because it had too many “cookies”!

Why did the WordPress site get an award?
Because it was outstanding in its “field” (custom field, that is)!

Why did the developer date WordPress?
Because it had all the right “features”!

Password Jokes

Why do computer hackers like to golf?
Because they’re great at driving and putting but really shine on the back nine when cracking the password!

How does a computer know if it has a good password?
It looks to see if it’s got character.

What’s a computer’s least favorite food?
A sloppy password.

What’s a hacker’s favorite type of password?
Yours.

Why did the hacker go broke?
Because he gave up all his cache for an easy password!

What does a polite password say?
Pardon me, but can you type me again?

What’s a ghost’s favorite type of password?
One that’s got a lot of spirit!

Why did the password get in trouble in school?
It couldn’t behave and kept breaking the rules!

What’s a cat’s favorite password?
“Claw1234”.

Why was the password bad at the game hide and seek?
Because it was always getting cracked!

Keyboard Jokes

Why don’t keyboards ever sleep?
Because they have two shifts!

Why was the keyboard feeling proud?
Because it has so many “caps”!

Why was the computer cold?
It left its Windows open and let in a draft!

What do you call a keyboard that can sing?
A Dell!

Why was the keyboard always losing at poker?
Because it kept showing a pair of Aces and a few 2s, 3s, and 4s!

Internet Jokes

Why don’t computers ever get cold?
Because they have Windows!

Why was the computer cold at the office?
It left its Windows open!

Why was the computer cold at home?
It left all of its Windows open!

How does a computer get drunk?
It takes screenshots.

What do you call a computer that sings?
A-Dell.

Why did the spider go to the computer?
To check his web site.

Why was the math book sad?
Because it had too many problems to solve… on the internet!

What do you call a computer floating in the ocean?
Adele Rolling in the Deep.

Why did the computer keep sneezing?
It had a bad virus.

Why did the computer go to the doctor?
It thought it had a terminal illness!

Internet Explorer Jokes

Why don’t we tell secrets in Internet Explorer?
Because it takes too long for them to get out!

Why did the computer break up with Internet Explorer?
It couldn’t handle a long-distance relationship.

Why was Internet Explorer always picked last in gym class?
It could never catch up!

How does Internet Explorer say “hello”?
“Welcome to the 90s!”

Why did Internet Explorer bring a map to the computer?
It heard there was a shortcut, but couldn’t find it.

Why does Internet Explorer go to therapy?
To deal with its loading issues.

Why does Internet Explorer always lose at poker?
It’s got a terrible poker “cache.”

What’s Internet Explorer’s favorite time of year?
Buffering… Loading answer…

How does Internet Explorer apologize?
It asks you to “accept cookies.”

Why can’t Internet Explorer play hide and seek?
Because it always takes too long to find anything!

What do you call an elderly Internet Explorer?
An Internet Explorosaurus.

What’s Internet Explorer’s favorite exercise?
It likes to jog, but it’s always a few laps behind.

Why is Internet Explorer always at the end of the line?
It’s never in sync.

Why doesn’t Internet Explorer have any friends at the party?
It always arrives late.

How does Internet Explorer propose to its partner?
“Will you accept this cookie?”

Why did Internet Explorer get a ticket?
It couldn’t keep up with the traffic.

What’s Internet Explorer’s favorite film?
The Slow and the Spurious.

Why does Internet Explorer make a terrible detective?
It takes forever to get a clue.

Why did Internet Explorer get kicked out of the race?
It was always buffering behind.

What does Internet Explorer and a traffic jam have in common?
They both make you wait and make you late!

Top Jokes