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One day, a guy walks into a bar and he pulls a little 8 inch guy and a little piano out of his pocket and the little guy starts to play. Everyone looked at him and was just so amazed by this.
One guy walks over to the other guy and asks him where he got that little man and the piano. He replies, "Well, out there, is a genie and he grants you but one wish."
So, immediately after the guy heard that, he ran out to the genie. He walks back into the bar with all these ducks everywhere.
The guy with the man and piano asks, "Where'd all those ducks come from?"
The other says, "Well, I asked the genie for a million bucks, but he gave me a million ducks."
The first guy says, "Oh, I guess I should have warned you that the genie is hard of hearing. You don't actually think I asked for a 8 inch pianist, do you?"
Q: How do you recognize a dogwood tree?
A: By its bark. 🐶
A salesman finds that the land he sold has become flooded. He asks his boss: "Should the company refund the client?"
His boss shouts: "Refund? Are you crazy? You go there and sell him boats as soon as possible!"
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip.
After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Why, what does it tell YOU?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
"Watson, you idiot. Some jerk has stolen our tent." 🕵️♂️
"I went to the butcher's and asked for a couple of pounds of brains.
The butcher says, 'I follow you on Facebook, you need four pounds...'" 🧠
Q: What are squirrels giving each other for Valentine’s Day?
A: Deez Nuts!
Q: What kind of nuts always seems to have a cold?
A: Sneez Nuts!
Q: Do you have that book about tiny creatures in your garden?
A: Which one?
A: "Deez Bugs."
Q: What do you call nuts on a chest?
A: Chestnuts.
Q: What about nuts on a wall?
A: Walnuts.
Q: And nuts on your chin?
A: Deez Nuts!
Q: Do you know what my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket?
A: Wonder how far I can kick Deez Nuts!
Q: Have you seen my squirrel toy?
A: No, what does it do?
A: Grabs Deez Nuts!
Q: What's in the new trail mix?
A: Raisins, chocolate, and Deez Nuts!
Q: Do you know the leading cause of dry skin?
A: Towelz and Deez Nuts!
Q: What's the title of the new documentary on nuts?
A: Deez Nuts: A True Story.
Q: What did the almond say to the peanut?
A: Deez Nuts!
I have a dig bick!
(Yes, you read that wrong)
A pipe burst in a doctor’s house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $800.
The doctor exclaimed, “This is ridiculous! I don’t even make that much as a doctor!.”
The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said, “Neither did I when I was a doctor.”
This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew. I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic."
"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off."
"If you look down towards the Atlantic Ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message."
Q: Why did the vacuum cleaner break up with the broom?
A: It felt like it was always being "swept off its feet" but never picked up!
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
I was going to tell you a joke about time travel, but you didn't like it.
