“Why did Roger leave his job?”
“Illness.”
“Anything serious?”
“Yes. The boss got sick of him.”

During math class, Little Johnny is very bored, so the teacher interrupts him and asks: “Little Johnny, if you have 5 apples in one hand and 4 apples in the other hand, what do you have?”

Little Johnny thinks about it and answers: “Big hands, Mrs. Teacher!”

Man:
Sweetheart, I’m going to the gym. Please remember to water the plants.

Woman:
Okay, just don’t go growing any muscles on someone else’s turf!

Man:
Honey, I’m off on a business trip. Please, take good care of the child.
Woman:
Alright, and you make sure you don’t get a child!

A police officer stopped a driver who had crossed an intersection when the traffic light was red. The driver apologized:
“I just had a relapse of my illness right before this intersection!”
“What illness?” asked the officer.
“Color blindness!”

Why don’t programmers like planning weddings?
Because they can’t stand infinite loops!

Q: What did Wednesday say to Thursday?
A: “Hang on, Friday is almost here!”

What did the painting say to the sculpture in the museum?
“I think I’ve seen you somewhere before!”

What’s a ghost’s favorite room in a museum?
The scare-itage site!

Why don’t mummies visit museums?
They’re afraid they’ll run into old friends!

Why was the mummy a great museum guide?
He knew the place inside and out!

Why did the dinosaur go to the art museum?
He wanted to see the “rexhibits”!

Why was the museum so noisy?
All the art works were making a scene!

What did the museum curator say when he dropped a fossil?
“I’ve made a grave mistake!”

Why did the painting go to jail?
Because it was framed!

What do you call a cat who lives in a museum?
A curator, because it’s always curating a collection of mice!

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, “Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load.”

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they’ve never spoken, the blonde says brightly, “Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!”

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, “Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!”

When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window and, as she lowers it, he says…

“Hi, my name is Kevin. It’s winter in Minnesota, and I’m driving the salt truck!”

1. If you eat something but no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. Drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar cancels out the calories in the candy bar.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count as long as you don’t eat more than they do.
4. Foods used for medicinal purposes never count, e.g., hot chocolate, brandy, toast, Sara Lee cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you appear thinner.
6. Movie-related foods do not have calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one’s personal fuel, e.g., Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, and Tootsie Rolls.
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking the cookie causes calorie leakage.
8. Late-night snacks have no calories. The refrigerator light is not strong enough for the calories to see their way into the calorie counter.
9. If you are in the process of preparing something, food licked off knives and spoons has no calories, e.g., peanut butter on a knife, ice cream on a spoon.
10. Foods of the same color have the same number of calories. Examples include spinach and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms, and white chocolate. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other.

“Knock, knock.”
“Who’s there?”
Very long pause…
“Java.”

Eight bytes walk into a bar.
The bartender asks, “Can I get you anything?”
“Yeah,” reply the bytes.
“Make us a double.” 💻💻

My Aunt Maud had so many candles on her last birthday cake that all her party guests got sunburned!🕯🕯🕯🕯

A police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it…

Cop: “Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway, why are you going so slowly?”

Blonde: “Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65.”

Cop: “Oh miss, that’s not the speed limit, that’s the name of the highway you’re on!”

Blonde: “Oh! Stupid me! Thanks for letting me know, I’ll be more careful from now on.”

At this point, the cop looks into the back seat of the car, where the passengers are shaking and white as ghosts.

Cop: “Excuse me, miss, what’s wrong with your friends back there? They’re shaking something awful.”

Blonde: “Oh… We just got off of highway 119.”

A man was drinking in a bar when he noticed this beautiful young lady sitting next to him. “Hello there,” says the man, “and what is your name?”

“Hello,” giggles the woman, “I’m Stacey. What’s yours?”

“I’m Jim.”

“Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight? I mean, right now??”

“Sure!” replies Jim, “Let’s go!”

So Stacey takes Jim to her house and takes him to her room. Jim sits down on the bed and notices a picture of a man on Stacey’s desk. “Stacey, I noticed the picture of a man on your desk,” Jim says.

“Yes? And what about it?” asks Stacey.

“Is it your brother?”

“No, it isn’t, Jim!” Stacey giggles. Jim’s eyes widen, suspecting that it might be Stacey’s husband.

When he finally asks, “Is it your husband?”

Stacey giggles even more, “No, silly!” Jim was relieved.

“Then, it must be your boyfriend!”

Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim’s ear. She says, “No, silly!!”

“Then, who is it?” Jim asks.

Stacey replies, “That’s me BEFORE my operation!!”

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time… I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
3. When people say “Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too”. Damn right! What good is cake if you can’t eat it?
4. When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you’ve found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna kick their asses!
5. When people say, while watching a film, “Did you see that?”. No, Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6. People who ask “Can I ask you a question?”… Didn’t really give me a choice there, did ya, Sunshine?
7. When something is “new and improved!”… Which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it, so it couldn’t be new.
8. When people say “life is short”. What the hell? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever experiences!! What can you do that’s longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here, Dumb-ass?

😊😊😊

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. 👮

She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license, and then today you expect me to show it to you.”

Q: Why did the number get mad at his wife?
A: Because she was too divisive, and it really subtracted from their relationship!

Q: What’s the difference between a tea bag and the English cricket team?

A: A tea bag stays in the cup longer.

John bought a dog, and his friend asks:

“What kind of dog is it?”
“A police dog.”
“It doesn’t look like a police dog at all.”
“Of course not, if it’s undercover.” 🐶

A policeman stops a drunkard staggering on the sidewalk in the middle of the night:
👮 Policeman: Where are you going at this hour of the night?
👨 Drunkard: To a lecture.
👮 Policeman: Oh? And who gives a lecture at this time?
👨 Drunkard: My wife.

A man is walking through the desert, completely exhausted and thirsty. He sees a well in the distance and shouts:
“Water, water!”

Suddenly, a voice from the well responds:
“Where, where?”

Q: Why do leprechauns prefer dollar bills to coins?
A: Because they like a little green in their pocket!🍀😄

Q: Why did the leprechaun go to school?
A: He wanted to get a little “smarter” about where to hide his gold!🍀😄

Q: How can you tell if a leprechaun likes your joke?
A: He’s Dublin over with laughter!🍀😄

Q: What kind of spells do leprechauns use?
A: Lucky Charms!🍀😄

Q: Why don’t leprechauns ever get cold?
A: Because they’re always in a wee bit of a sweater!🍀😄

Doctor says to the patient:

“I have two pieces of news, a bad one and an even worse one.”
“What’s the bad one?”
“According to the lab results, you have only 24 hours left to live.”
“And the worse one?”
“I’ve been trying to reach you on the phone since yesterday.”

A salesman finds that the land he sold has become flooded. He asks his boss: “Should the company refund the client?”
His boss shouts: “Refund? Are you crazy? You go there and sell him boats as soon as possible!”

Bernie was invited to his friend’s home for dinner.

Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, “That is really nice, that after all these years you have been married, you still call your wife those pet names.”

Morris hung his head and whispered, “To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago.”

Q: What snack does a ghost prefer at midnight?

A: Boo-berries with scream! 🌚👻

Q: Why don’t secrets work well in the dark?

A: Because they always come out in the light! 🌚👻

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display.

The owner, deciding to have some general fun, said, “I’ve got good news and bad news.”

“The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings.”

“That’s wonderful!” the artist exclaimed. “What’s the bad news?”

With concern, the gallery owner replied, “The guy was your doctor.”

There were two people robbing an apartment.

The first one said, “I hear the owner coming! Quick, jump out the window!”

The second one said, “Are you crazy? We’re on the thirteenth floor!”

The first one said, “This is no time to be superstitious!”

What is red and goes up and down?
A tomato in an elevator! 🍅

Q: If you have a sphere and you shake it, what do you get?
A: Shakespeare.

Q: What is 1+1?
A: It depends on who you ask: a mathematician will say “2”, a physicist might consider the precision of “2.0”, and a kindergartener might just show you two fingers and then ask if it’s snack time yet!

Q: Guess what?
A: Chicken butt! 😄🐔

Q. Why are soldiers so tired on April 1st?
A. Because they just had a 31 day March!

Q: How do you recognize a dogwood tree?
A: By its bark. 🐶

Q. Where does a Horse go when he gets sick?🐴
A. The “Horse-pital.”🏥

Q: Why do penguins always look like they’re going to a party? 🐧🎩
A: Because they’re always dressed in their best “ice” tuxedos! ❄️🤵

Q: Why do ducks have feathers? 🦆
A: To cover their butt quacks! 🍑

A blonde named Bubbles was working on a jigsaw puzzle.
She was having a lot of trouble and becoming quite exasperated. 😟
She called to her husband, Dan, to help her.
“It’s supposed to be a tiger!” Bubbles exclaimed. 🐅
Dan looked at his wife and the puzzle and said,
“Honey, put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!” 🤦‍♂️

One day, a guy walks into a bar and he pulls a little 8 inch guy and a little piano out of his pocket and the little guy starts to play. Everyone looked at him and was just so amazed by this.

One guy walks over to the other guy and asks him where he got that little man and the piano. He replies, “Well, out there, is a genie and he grants you but one wish.”

So, immediately after the guy heard that, he ran out to the genie. He walks back into the bar with all these ducks everywhere.

The guy with the man and piano asks, “Where’d all those ducks come from?”

The other says, “Well, I asked the genie for a million bucks, but he gave me a million ducks.”

The first guy says, “Oh, I guess I should have warned you that the genie is hard of hearing. You don’t actually think I asked for a 8 inch pianist, do you?”

This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew. I’d like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.”

“If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.”

“If you look down towards the Atlantic Ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. That’s me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message.”

Because on their planet, one hour lasts an entire Earth day, and their “Monday” is like an entire Earth month! 🌌
Imagine them checking their intergalactic calendars: “Nope, can’t invade Earth today, it’s still Monday back home. Let’s wait until it’s over… in a few Earth weeks.” 🛸

A middle-aged Jewish guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday.
He says, “So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?”
She says, “Bernie, I want a divorce.” He says, “I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”

A blonde airhead goes for a job interview in an office.
The interviewer starts with the basics.
“So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?”
The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying, “Ehhhh… 22!”

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice.
“And can you tell us your height, please?”

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, “Five foot two!”

This isn’t looking good, so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the interviewee won’t have to count, measure, or look up.
“Just to confirm for our records, your name please?”

The airhead bobs her head from side to side for about ten seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, “MANDY!”

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks –
“What in the world were you doing when I asked you your name?”

“Ohhhh, that!” replies the airhead…
“I was just running through that song –
‘Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear…’ ” 🎂🎂🎂

“I went to the butcher’s and asked for a couple of pounds of brains.
The butcher says, ‘I follow you on Facebook, you need four pounds…'” 🧠

“My dog has no nose!
“How does he smell?”
“Awful!”

Dad: “How are your grades, son?”
Son: “They’re underwater, Dad.”
Dad: “What do you mean, underwater?”
Son: “They’re below C level”

At lunch, Mom declares:

“Alright! From today on, we’re going to start saving up. Dad won’t be visiting the pub anymore, I’ll stop going to the hairdresser and the pastry shop, and you, little Johnny, you will…”

Little Johnny interrupts:

“I won’t be going to school anymore!” 🏫😂

A wise fisherman went fishing by the lake every morning.
One day, he caught a fish that begged for its life, promising to grant him three wishes if he spared it.
The fisherman pondered for a moment and then replied, “I appreciate the offer, but I’m not sure what to wish for.”
The fish replied, “Well, think carefully, because once you let me go, your wishes will be gone.”
The fisherman thought for a while and finally said, “Alright, I wish for all the fish in this lake to be as wise as you.”
The fish smiled and granted his wish before swimming away.
As the fisherman returned home empty-handed, his friend asked, “Did you catch anything today?”
With a grin, the fisherman replied, “No, but I’ve ensured a lifetime of wise decisions by the fish in that lake!” 🐟🐟🐟

The fisherman caught a big fish and returned it to the lake. Shortly after, he caught a smaller one and took it with him. A man saw him and asked:
“Why did you return the bigger fish to the lake but take the smaller one?”
The fisherman said:
“Well, the smaller one fits in my pan.” 🐟🍳

Policemen are on a bus heading to a union trip. Before entering a tunnel, the bus driver realizes that the tunnel is too low, or the bus is too tall.
“Push down the roof by five centimeters!” the commander shouts to the policemen.
“There’s no need,” says the bus driver. “I’ll let some air out of the tires, and it will fit.”
“Idiot! It’s too tall at the top, not at the bottom!” the commander yells. 👮‍♂️👮‍♂️

A cop stops a car speeding at two hundred where the limit is forty:
“You, didn’t you see the speed limit sign?”
Driver: “How could I at this speed?” 👮‍♂️🚸

A guy was sitting at the Super Bowl in the very best seat available. The guy on his left noticed there was an empty seat next to him and said, “Can you believe someone actually paid for that seat and didn’t come to the game?”

The fellow next to him replied, “Actually that’s my wife’s seat…we bought these tickets months ago. Unfortunately, my wife passed away so I came alone.”

“I’m sorry to hear that, but why didn’t you give the ticket to a family member or friend?”

“Oh, they’re all at the funeral.” 🏈🏈🏈

A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten birds on them. Each bird had a sack over its head; only the legs were showing. He sat straight in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the birds’ legs and give the common name, habitat, genus and species.

The student looked at each of the birds’ legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it the madder he got.

Finally he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor’s desk and said, “What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?” With that the student threw his test on the professor’s desk and walked to the door.

The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn’t know every student’s name so as the student reached the door the professor called, “Mister, what’s your name?”

The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and said, “You tell me buddy! You tell me!”

“What’s the usual tip?” a man growled when, Jason, a college boy delivered his pizza. 🍕

“Well,” Jason replied, “this is my first delivery, but the other guys said that if I got a quarter out of you, I’d be doing great.”

“Is that so?” grunted the man. “In that case, here’s five dollars.”

“Thanks,” Jason said, “I’ll put it in my college fund.”

“By the way, what are you studying?” inquired the man.

Jason replied, “Applied psychology.”

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip.
After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. “Watson, look up and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.”
“What does that tell you?”
Watson pondered for a minute. “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Why, what does it tell YOU?”
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
“Watson, you idiot. Some jerk has stolen our tent.” 🕵️‍♂️

A student on a class trip to the natural-history museum asks the guard, “Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?”

The guard tells him, “Three-million-four year and six months old.”

The student says. “How do you know that so precisely?”

The guard says, “Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago.”

Q: How many executives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: A roomful – they have to hold a meeting to discuss all the ramifications of the change.💡💡💡

Q: What do you call a rabbit with fleas?

A: Bugs Bunny!🐣🐰🌷

Q: What kind of music does the Easter Bunny like?

A: Hip Hop! 🐣🐰🌷

Q: How does the Easter Bunny stay fit?

A: Lots of egg-ercise! 🐣🐰🌷

A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

Wife: “Honey, what are you looking for?”
Husband: “Nothing.”
Wife: “Why have you been reading our marriage certificate for an hour?”
Husband: “I was just looking for the expiry date.”

Husband asks: Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means…
Without Information, Fighting Everytime!

WIFE says: No darling , it means :-
With Idiot For Ever

A man in Hell asked Devil:
Can I make a call to my Wife?
After making call he asked how much to pay.
Devil : Nothing, Hell to hell is Free.

Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you’ve only drawn the cow?

Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all the grass!

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Great food, no atmosphere! ️

A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for books about paranoia.
The librarian whispers, “They’re right behind you!”

Q: Why did the cry baby bring a ladder to school?
A: Because they heard high school can be an emotional “climb”! 😭😄

Teacher: Can anyone give me the name of a liquid that won’t freeze?
Pupil: Hot water! 😂💧

Q: What was T. rex’s favorite number?
A: Eight! (ate)

John: I lost my pet dinosaur.
Ron: Why don’t you put an ad in the newspaper ?
John: What good would that do, she can’t read!

Two squirrels are sitting on a park bench, discussing philosophy. One turns to the other and says, “I think, therefore I am.” The other squirrel scoffs and replies, “No, you gather nuts, therefore you are.”

Q: Why did the Eiffel Tower stop growing?
A: It peaked in Paris! 🗼😄

Q: What do you call an Eiffel Tower that plays the piano?
A: A towering musician with a great “range”! 🗼😄

Q: Why was the Eiffel Tower a good kisser?
A: Because it’s really “tall”ented in French! 🗼😄

Q: Why did the Queen go to The London Eye?
A: She wanted to see her kingdom in a “royal-round” way! 👑🎡😄

Q: Why don’t they play hide and seek in London?
A: Because good luck hiding when Big Ben is constantly telling the time! 🕰️😄

Q: Why did the dinosaur get in the bed ?
A: Because he was tired!

Q: What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars ?
A: Tyrannosaurus wrecks !

Q: What does a Triceratops sit on?
A: Its Tricera-bottom.

In an always-serious office, the old printer was the bane of everyone’s existence. One day, it mysteriously started printing on its own: “Help, I’m stuck in the printer!” sheet after sheet. Panic ensued until the IT guy discovered a voice recorder inside. The prankster? The office’s shyest employee, who finally spoke up: “Gotcha! Now, can we get a new printer?” The office burst into laughter, and the legend of the “haunted” printer lived on. 🖨️😂👻

Knock, knock.
Who’s there? Banana.
Banana who? Banana split so I had to go!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there? Banana.
Banana who? Banana peel, watch your step!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there? Orange.
Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana again?

Knock, knock.
Who’s there? Banana.
Banana who? Bananas of the world unite! Peel back oppression!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there? Little old lady.
Little old lady who? I didn’t know you could yodel! Banana yodel-ay-hee-hoo!

Once upon a time in a cozy little town, there was a duck who loved visiting the local grocery store. Every morning, he would waddle into the store and ask the manager, “Do you have any grapes?” Each time, the manager would gently reply, “No, we don’t sell grapes here.”

Despite this, the duck returned day after day, asking for grapes. The store manager, always patient, would repeat that they didn’t sell grapes. The customers began to find the duck’s daily visits amusing and endearing.

One day, to everyone’s surprise, the manager decided to stock grapes just for the duck. The next morning, when the duck came in and asked, “Do you have any grapes?” the manager proudly said, “Yes, we do!” But the duck looked confused and said, “Oh, I don’t like grapes. Do you have any apples?” 🦆🍇🍏

Q: Why did the man use ketchup during the rain? ☔🌧️😄
A: Because it was the only sauce without any leaks!

Q: What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
A: Thunderwear! ☔🌧️😄

The eager young batsman had just scored yet another duck and was apologising to the captain.

‘I think I could do with some advice. What sort of coach would you recommend?’

‘A long distance one.’

George spent every Sunday playing cricket. It finally got too much for his wife , who exploded, ‘Cricket! All you ever think about is cricket! I think I’d drop dead if you stayed home on Sunday!’

‘Now then, dear,’ said George. ‘It’s no use trying to bribe me.’

The cricketer was talking to his dumb blonde girl friend.

‘Have you heard of W. G. Grace?’

‘Heard of him? I had lunch with him the other day.’

‘Don’t be silly. He’s been dead for seventy years.’

‘I thought he was quiet’

The batsman had a large opinion of his prowess.

He was approached by a club member who couldn’t resist saying to him, ‘You know, whenever I watch you bat, I always wonder…’

‘I know, I know. How I do it.’

‘No. Why you do it.’

The standard of batting in the local side was very low. Even at the net practice, they couldn’t hit a thing. Finally, the captain rushed forward and grabbed the bat.

‘Now bowl me some fast ones!’ he yelled. Six fast balls came down in quick succession and the captain missed them all. Not to be put off he glared at the team and shouted,

‘Now that’s what you’re all doing. Get in there and hit them!’

In a country town match, the batsman was out first ball. ‘Not like last week,’ said the wicket-keeper.

‘No,’ said the batsman. ‘Last week I stayed in and got forty and when I got back all the beer was gone!’

An expectant father rang the hospital to see how his wife was getting on. By mistake he dialed the number for Lord’s.

“How’s it going?” he asked.

“Fine,” came the answer, “We’ve got two out already and hope to have the rest out before lunch. The last one was a duck.

A friend asked George, “Tell me, is your daughter’s fiancée a good catch?”

“Good catch?” answered George. “Dammit, he’s the best fielder we’ve got in the side!”

In a calmer moment, George and his wife were sitting at home. George was as usual reading some bowling averages.

“Do you remember the day you proposed at the cricket match?” said she romantically.

“You were bold.”

“No I wasn’t,” muttered George, “I was LBW!”

Jones had taken his wife to a cricket match. She sat through the first innings although plainly bored. In the second innings a batsman gave a tremendous swipe and knocked the ball out of the ground.

‘Thank goodness they got rid of it,’ she sighed. ‘Now we can all go home.’

It was an exciting match and the championship hinged on the result. George was tensely poised on the edge of his seat watching every move.
His ever-patient wife asked him, ‘George, What’s all the fuss about? I thought they decided who were the champions last year!’

The cricketer was proud of his progress as a batsman and invited his mother-in-law along to watch him play, hoping to impress her.

At the crease, he turned to the wicket-keeper and said ‘I’m anxious to do well and really hit this ball. That’s my wife’s mother over there.’

‘Don’t be silly,’ said the wicket-keeper. ‘You’ll never hit her at a hundred yards. 🏏

The cricket fan had dragged his wife and child along to the ground to watch the local side. He watched with interest, but they were plainly bored and shifted uncomfortably in their seats. The child brightened and turned to the mother.

‘They just shouted ‘Over’, she said.

‘I know.’ replied her mother, wearily, ‘but don’t take any notice. It goes on and on and on.’

You’ve seen worse?

The nervous young batsman was having a terrible time and was lucky to still be at the crease. During a lull, he stammered to the wicket keeper, ‘Well, I expect you’ve seen worse players.’

Silence….

First slip added ‘he said I expect you’ve seen worse players.’

‘I heard him the first time. I was just trying to think.’

Q: Why don’t penguins play soccer?
A: Because they’re afraid of the ice ball! 🐧⚽❄️😄

Q: Why did the lion get kicked out of the soccer game?
A: Every time he got the ball, he thought it was a roar-nament! 🦁⚽😄

Q: What kind of ball does a dog never fetch?
A: A snowball – it melts in their mouth!

Q: Why don’t elephants play basketball?
A: Because they’re afraid of the mouse in the ball!

When struggling to open a jar:
“This is harder than it looks.”
“That’s what she said!”

On overpacking a suitcase:
“I can’t believe I fit all that in there.”
“That’s what she said!”

While trying to find a parking spot:
“Look at that space, it’s way too tight.”
“That’s what she said!”

Discussing a difficult puzzle:
“It just doesn’t seem to fit anywhere.”
“That’s what she said!”

At a dinner with oversized portions:
“I’ll never be able to finish all of this!”
“That’s what she said!”

While trying to thread a needle:
“I can’t even see the hole!”
“That’s what she said!”

When catching a big fish:
“Wow, look at the size of that thing!”
“That’s what she said!”

During a workout session:
“I can’t do another one; it’s too hard!”
“That’s what she said!”

Assembling furniture:
“Do you think it will hold up if I put it in like this?”
“That’s what she said!”

When someone is lost while driving:
“Do you even know where you’re sticking that thing?”
“That’s what she said!”

Plumber?
“Fix the sink? I barely know her!”

Carpenter?
“Build a house? I barely know her!”

Jogger?
“Run a marathon? I barely know her!”

Gardener?
“Plant a tree? I barely know her!”

Baker?
“Make a cake? I barely know her!”

Painter?
“Draw a portrait? I barely know her!”

Singer?
“Hit the high note? I barely know her!”

Dancer?
“Do the tango? I barely know her!”

Driver?
“Drive a car? I barely know her!”

Writer?
“Pen a novel? I barely know her!”

Q: What’s the most popular dance move on New Year’s Eve 2024?
A: The Robot, because even in 2024, everyone’s still trying to keep up with technology! 🤖🎉😄

Q: What do you always get on your birthday?
A: A year older and a bit more “candle-lit”! 🎂🕯️😄

Q: Why did the birthday cake visit the doctor?
A: Because it was feeling crumby after turning another year older! 🎂👩‍⚕️😄

Q: Why did Wednesday get a promotion?
A: Because it’s in the middle of the “weak” and still works hard! 😄📅

Q: Why do mummies like Christmas so much?
A: Because of all the wrapping! 🎁🎄😄

Marriage Mirth
Q: Why do most married men die before their wives?
A: Because they want to.

Wedding Whimsy
Q: What do you call a melon that’s not allowed to get married?
A: Cantaloupe!

Nuptial Nonsense
Q: Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
A: They’re hard to get started, emit foul smells, and don’t work half the time.

Bridal Banter
Q: Why did the scientist get married?
A: He found a perfect “solution”!

Ring Riddles
Q: Why is a bad joke like a bad marriage?
A: Both have poor “delivery”!

Vow Vexations
Q: What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary?
A: Get married on his birthday.

Honeymoon Humor
Q: Why do they call it a “honeymoon”?
A: Because “honey” is sweet, and “moon” is the length of time the sweetness is expected to last!

Aisle Irony
Q: Why was the broom late for the wedding?
A: It swept in!

Marital Merriment
Q: What’s the best way to keep your spouse in suspense?
A: I’ll tell you tomorrow!

Couple Comedy
Q: What did the light bulb say to the switch?
A: “You turn me on.”

Q: What did the salt say to the pepper on Christmas?
A: “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, but you always spice it up!” 🧂🎅🌶️😄

Q: What kind of bug hates Christmas?
A: A humbug! 🐛🎄😄

Q: Why don’t Ferraris ever get lost?
A: Because they always take the fast lane in life! 🏎️💨😄

Person: Have you heard about the new trend called “updog”?

Friend: What’s updog?

Person: Not much, what’s up with you, dog? 😄🐶

Q: Why did December ask November to leave?
A: Because November was taking all the fall, and December wanted to bring in the snow! ❄️😄🌨️

What do you call a fish wearing a suit?

SOFISHticated!

CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.

ATandT VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the ATandT virus.

PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack—once if by LAN, twice if by C:>

How can you tell if you have been spending too much time at home on the Internet?

Your spouse emails you a message saying dinner is ready and she/he uses the address
“Your spouse@home.com.”

Q: Why did the football team go to the bank?
A: To get their quarterback! 🏈💰😄

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.

4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought “Car95” or “CarNT”. But, then you would have to buy more seats.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive – but would only run on 5 percent of the roads.

6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.

7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single “general car default” warning light.

8. The air bag system would say, “are you sure?” before going off.

9. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

Q. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

A. None. That’s a hardware issue.

One day, a Mechanical Engineer, Electrical Engineer, Chemical Engineer and Computer Engineer were driving down the street in the same car.
All of a sudden, the car broke down.

The Mechanical Engineer said,
“I think a rod broke.”

The Chemical Engineer said,
“The way it sputtered at the end, I don’t think it’s getting gas.”

The Electrical Engineer said,
“I think there was a spark and something is wrong with the electrical system.”

All three turned to the computer engineer and said,
“What do you think?”

The Computer Engineer said,
“I think we should all get out and get back in.

Q: What do you call a running turkey?
A: Fast food!

Q: Why did the cranberries turn red?
A: Because they saw the turkey dressing!

Q: Why did the police arrest the turkey?
A: They suspected it of fowl play!

Q: What’s the best thing to put into a pumpkin pie?
A: Your teeth!

Q: What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo?
A: A turkey that can pluck itself!

Q: Why did the Pilgrims’ pants always fall down?
A: Because their belt buckles were on their hats!

Q: What did the turkey say to the computer?
A: “Google, google, google!”

Q: How can you tell if a leprechaun likes your joke?
A: He’s Dublin over with laughter!

Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick’s Day?
A: Because real rocks are too heavy!

Q: Why do leprechauns hate running?
A: They’d rather jig than jog!

Warning Signs of Insanity for Programmers.

1. You stay up all night coding only to realize that you haven’t had any caffeine in about 6 hours.

2. You wonder why on earth anyone would make a programming language conform to such absolutely bizarre rules of grammar but in a strange way it actually begins to make sense.

3. You start dreaming in recursion (if you have any time to dream).

4. You realize not only is it daytime but your project is due in 2 hours, which isn’t enough time to even begin running it.

5. You start customizing your environment because you want it “just right” (and because further work on the program is futile).

6. You wonder when the invasion will begin.

7. You understand 8.

8. You start signing your name in octal (or binary) just because.

9. You know more programming commands than actual words.

10. You realize that you have reached the end, and there is no closing command.

Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget.
We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system.
We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change.
We are proud to report that we have completed the “Y-to-K” date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect your new standards:

Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December

As well as:
Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak

I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem has made any sense to me.
But I understand it is a globalproblem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible. And what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you think
We ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00? We’ll await your direction.

If Microsoft operated Restaurants Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I’ll be your Support

Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There’s a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won’t be there this time.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Overheard: Bill Gates talking with one of his financial advisor’s…

Bill says,
“You did what with my 150 million dollars? I said Snapple, not Apple!”

We had a tough day at the office yesterday.

The computers were all down and everyone had to think!

Why did the screenwriter always bring a starlet to his movie premieres?

Because she always knew how to add a twist to the plot! 🎬⭐

You Know you are Addicted to the Internet When…

• You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved, and you don’t have a clue when it happened.
• Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
• All of your friends have an @ in their names.
• Your dog has its own home page.
• You can’t call your mother… she doesn’t have a modem.
• You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
• You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
• The last girl you asked out was only a jpeg.
• Your wife says communication is important in a marriage… so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

An application was for employment; a program was a TV show; a cursor used profanity; a keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something you lost with age; a CD was a bank account; a hard drive was a
long road trip.

A web was a spider’s home, and a virus was the flu!

1. Home is where you hang your @.

2. The email of the species is more deadly than the mail.

3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

4. You can’t teach a new mouse old clicks.

5. Great groups from little icons grow.

6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

7. In some places, C:\ is the root of all directories.

8. Oh, what a tangled Website we weave when first we practice.

9. Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish.

10. The modem is the message.

11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.

12. The geek shall inherit the earth.

13. Don’t byte off more than you can view.

14. Fax is stranger than fiction.

15. What boots up must come down.

16. Windows will never cease.

17. Virtual reality is its own reward.

18. Modulation in all things.

19. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him to use the Net and he won’t bother you for weeks.

20. There’s no place like your homepage.

1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven’t played patience with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail your work colleague at the desk next to you to ask, “Do you fancy going down the pub?” and they reply, “Yeah, give me five minutes”.

5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South America, but you haven’t spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.

6. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date.

7. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

8. You consider regular mail painfully slow or call it “snail mail”.

9. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

10. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.

11. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

12. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a 0 to get an outside line.

13. You’ve sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

14. Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.

15. Your CV is on a diskette in your pocket.

16. You really get excited about a 1.7% pay rise.

17. You learn about your redundancy on the 6 o’clock news.

18. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose all your best jokes.

19. Your supervisor doesn’t have the ability to do your job.

20. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.

The Yankees have a monopoly game.
The Mets have a monopoly game.
Microsoft has a monopoly, no game but a lesson for us all.

Baby, if you were a booger I’d pick you first.

Did you hear about the politician who dreamt he was making a speech, only to wake up and discover he actually was?

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define “great” he said,
“I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

My computer isn`t that nervous…it`s just a bit ANSI.

Q. Why did the spider cross the computer keyboard?

A. To get on the World Wide Web.

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when an attractive blonde neighbor came out of her house and went straight to her mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in her house. A little later, she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, opened it and slammed it shut again. Angered, she again stormed back in her house.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out yet again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it, and then slammed it shut harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions, the man asked, “Is something wrong?” “There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying “You’ve Got Mail.”

Q: Why did the coffee file a report on Monday morning?
A: Because it was mugged over the weekend! ☕️🚔😄

Q: Why did the school end early?
A: Because the clock wanted to be a little ahead in its studies! 🕒😄📚

Q: Why did the video game go to school?
A: Because it had a lot of console-ations to learn! 🎮😄

Q: Why did November break up with October?
A: Because it was tired of October always “leafing”! 🍁😄🍂

Q: Why are grapes no longer friends with prunes?
A: Because the grapes found out they could become wine, but prunes could only become wrinkled! 🍇🍷😄

Q: Why don’t hackers play hide and seek with computers?
A: Because the computers always find a backdoor! 🖥️🔓😄

Q: What did the grape say to the wine bottle?
A: “Someday, I’ll be mature enough to join you!” 🍇🍷😄

Q: Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill?
A: It ran out of juice! 🍊😂

Q: What did the grape say when it got stepped on?
A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

Q: Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself at the historical exhibit?
A: Because it was two-tired after carrying Napoleon and his army across Russia!

Q: Why did Napoleon always keep his hand in his coat?
A: He was checking to make sure no one “Waterloo-ted” his wallet!

Bellman, a Russian, and a German wanted to see who could swim from Europe to America the fastest. First out was the German. He swam 1 kilometer and drowned. Next came the Russian. He swam 1 mile and then drowned. Now it was Bellman’s turn and he swam and swam until he almost reached the coast but he got tired and swam back.

Bellman was pushing a heavy wheelbarrow up a hill. When he was almost at the top the wheelbarrow tipped over and Bellman got so angry that he swore out loud. Just then a priest walked by and said,
– If you use foul language, Bellman, you’ll never get to heaven.
To which Bellman replied,
– I’m not going to heaven, I’m just trying to get up this hill!

A Frenchman, a Finn and Bellman bragged about who had the tallest flagpole. ‘My flagpole is so tall that it reaches up to the clouds’, the Frenchman said. ‘My flagpole is so tall that it reaches higher than the clouds!’, the Finn said. ‘My flagpole is so tall that it pokes God in his butt!’, Bellman said.

A Dane, a Norwegian and Bellman made a wager on who could remain inside a goat pen the longest. First out was the Dane, who came out after just 10 minutes yelling ‘Damn! The goat stinks!’ After him the Norwegian went in, and after half an hour he came out yelling, ‘Damn! The goat stinks!’ Finally Bellman went in. After two hours the goat came rushing out yelling ‘Damn! Bellman stinks!’

Source: Wikipedia

A Russian, a German and Bellman wanted to see who could swim the fastest across the Atlantic. First out was the German. He swam one kilometer and drowned. Next came the Russian. He swam 10 kilometers and then he drowned. Now it was Bellman’s turn. He swam and swam until he almost reached the coast of America – then he got tired and swam back.

Source: Wikipedia

Q: What did the police officer say to his belly button?
A: “You’re under a vest!”

Q: Why did the banana go to the doctor?
A: Because it wasn’t peeling well!

Tony and Harold, two avid fisherman and well-known drunks, were out in a boat on their favorite lake one day drowning some worms and polishing off some brews.
Suddenly, Tony got what he thought was a nibble.
Reeling it in he found a bottle with a cork in it.
Naturally curious, he uncorked the bottle and a large genie appeared.
The genie said ” I will grant you one wish.” Tony thought for a second and said ” I wish this whole lake was beer.”
Poof! His wish came true. The lake was now filled with their favorite brew. Harold looked at Tony in disgust and said ” You asshole, now we have to piss in the boat.”

This man had decided to spend some time in this new and fancy resort which advertised an all inclusive do all you can kind of sejour. So he shows up at the desk , gets his key and goes to his room. Looking thru the hotel’s book he finds there are tennis courts on the premises so he calls the desk to find out how to go about playing a set or two. “Just meet the pro at the tennis shop, he will lend you all that you need and will find you someone to play with.” answered a very polite clerk. “How much is that going to cost me” the man asks So the man goes to the shop, plays tennis all afternoon. When he is done he asks the pro how much he owed. “Nothing, this is on the room.” The next day he decided to try horse backriding and again found it did not cost him a penny more than the price of the room. After a week there he had done just about everything that was available except golf. On his last day he decided to play a round so he goes to the club house, gets what he needs and starts his games. When he came back to the shop the pro asked him how the game had gone. “Not so good” the man answers, “in fact I lost 5 balls.” “Well” says the pro, “that will be $5000.00 sir.” “What do you mean $5000.00, for 5 lousy golf balls? You have to be kidding. I played an afternoon of tennis, went horse riding, scuba diving, deep sea fishing and more and was never charged a cent, and now that I have lost 5 balls you charge me $5000.00 ?” “Well” the pro says “you know, this hotel really gets you by the balls.”

Q. How do baseball players stay cool?
A. Sit next to their fans.

A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax. After a while a beggar came up to her and said, ” Hello luv, how’s about us going for a walk together.”
“How dare you,” said the woman, ” I’m not one of your cheap pickups!”

“Well then,” said the beggar, ” What are you doing in my bed?”

A beggar knocked on the door of a Beverly Hills mansion. There was no immediate answer, so the bum kept knocking. For fiteen minutes he kept this up. Finally, an angry millionaire opened the door. The beggar said, “Can I have two dollars?”

“What the hell are you doing waking me up at three o’clock in the morning just for two dollars?!” demanded the millionaire.

The bum replied, “Hey! I don’t tell you how to run your business, so don’t you dare tell me how to run mine!”

Porky was eighteen years old, friendly, and eager to do things right. He had just started his first job, as a delivery boy and general at a furniture warehouse. His first task was to go out for coffee. He walked into a nearby coffee shop carrying a large thermos. When the counterman finally noticed him, he held up the thermos.
“Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?” he said.

The counterman looked at the thermos, hesitated for a few seconds, then finally said, “Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me.”

“Good,” Porky said. “Give me two regular, two black, and two decaf.”

There is a guy. His favorite bar is called ‘Sally’s Legs’. The bar is closed, so he waits outside for it to open. He was waiting a long time and a cop got suspicious, came over to him, and asked, “What are you doing?” The guy replies, “I’m waiting for ‘Sally’s Legs’ to open so I can get a drink.”

A duck walks into a bar and says ” Got any bread?”
And the barman says “No”
The next day the duck returns and says “Got any bread?”
And the barman, “No!”.
The following day the duck returns and says “Got any bread?”
“I told you yesterday, N-O NO!”
The next day the duck returns and says “Got any bread?”
“For cryin’ out loud – N-O spells NO and I mean NO! !”
The day after the duck returns and says “Got any bread?”
“Look, if you ask me one more damn time if I’ve got any bread,
I’m going to nail your damn beak to the damn bar!!”
The next day the duck returns and says “”Got any nails?”
“No!”
“Got any bread?

Q: What’s a Rastafarian’s favorite movie?
A: “Dreadpool”

Q: Why did Bob Marley refuse to drink tea?
A: He said it was always “stirring it up.”

Q: Why did the bread break up with the butter?
A: It felt they were always spread too thin!

Q: Why did the toaster join a band?
A: Because it could really “jam”!

Q: Why did the newspaper file a complaint against the computer?
A: It couldn’t handle too many “tabs”!

Q: Why did the news camera get in trouble?
A: It kept “shooting” people!

Q: Why did the political reporter get kicked out of the bar?
A: He wouldn’t stop polling people!

Q: Why did the weather reporter bring a ladder to work?
A: He wanted to finally reach new heights in his “overcast” career!

Q: What do news anchors use to brush their teeth?
A: Breaking Toothpaste!

Q: Why did the news reporter bring a pencil?
A: To draw his own conclusions!

Q: Why did the AI go to therapy?
A: It had too many “neural issues”!

Q: Why did the math book look so sad?
A: Because it had too many problems!

Q: Why did the vacuum cleaner break up with the broom?
A: It felt like it was always being “swept off its feet” but never picked up!

Q: Why did the iPhone go to therapy?
A: It couldn’t get rid of its syncing issues!

Q: Why did one friend bring a broom to the other’s house?
A: They heard their life was a mess and wanted to help clean up!

Q: Why did the friend bring string to the movie?
A: They wanted to tie together all the plot points!

Q: Why was the friend good at baseball?
A: Every time they had a problem, they’d catch it!

Q: Why did the two friends always carry a notebook?
A: They wanted to note down every moment they laughed together!

Q: Why did the two friends bring a ladder to the bar?
A: They heard the drinks were on the house!

Q: Why did the scarecrow win the world tour?
A: Because he was outstanding in his field!

Q: Why did the traveler get good grades in school?
A: Because he knew all the capitals!

Q: Why did the traveler bring a pencil to Europe?
A: To draw his own conclusions!

Q: Why did the airplane break up with the helicopter?
A: It was tired of the “chopper” always hovering around!

Q: Why did the suitcase file a police report?
A: It was robbed of its essential belongings!

Q: What comes down but never goes up?
A: Rain!

Q: The more you take, the more you leave behind. What am I?
A: Footsteps!

Q: What has one head, one foot, and four legs?
A: A bed!

Q: What gets wetter the more it dries?
A: A towel!

Q: What has keys but can’t open locks?
A: A piano!

Q: What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment, but never in a thousand years?
A: The letter ‘M’!

Q: Why did the bicycle fall over?
A: It was two-tired!

Q: What’s brown and sticky?
A: A stick!

Q: Why did the tomato turn red?
A: Because it saw the salad dressing!

Q: Why did the math book look sad?
A: Because it had too many problems!

Q: How do you organize a space party?
A: You planet!

Q: Why don’t scientists trust atoms?
A: Because they make up everything!

Q: What’s an igloo’s favorite type of music?
A: Cool jazz!

Q: Why did the scarecrow win the talent show during winter?
A: Because he was outstanding in his field, even when it was frozen!

Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
A: Frosted flakes!

Q: Why did the girl bring string to the bar?
A: To tie one on when it gets too cold!

Q: How does a snowman get to work?
A: By icicle!

Q: What did one icicle say to the other icicle?
A: “You hang around here often?”

Q: What’s a doctor’s favorite type of music?
A: The OR-chestra!

Q: Why did the doctor sit on her patient’s bed?
A: She wanted to have a patient sit-down!

Q: Why did the scarecrow become a surgeon?
A: He was outstanding in his field!

Q: What do you call a doctor who fixes websites?
A: A URLologist!

Q: Why was the nurse always calm?
A: She had a lot of patients!

Q: Why did the doctor carry a red pen?
A: In case they needed to draw blood!

Q: Why did the bicycle fall over?
A: It was two-tired!

Q: What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A: A carrot!

Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A: A gummy bear!

Q: Why don’t scientists trust atoms anymore?
A: Because they make up everything!

Q: Why did the tomato turn red?
A: Because it saw the salad dressing!

Q: Why did the scarecrow win an award?
A: Because he was outstanding in his field!

Q: Why did the newspaper go to therapy?
A: It had too many issues!

Q: Why did the TV go to school?
A: To improve its channels!

Q: What does a news anchor use to keep his pants up?
A: News suspenders!

Q: Why was the belt arrested on the TV show?
A: For holding up a pair of pants!

Q: How does a reporter write a story about a fan?
A: He gives it a spin!

Q: Why did the news anchor go to the bank?
A: To check his balance!

Q: What do hurricanes and marriages have in common?
A: They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end, you lose your house!

Q: Why did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?
A: Hold onto your nuts; this is no ordinary blow job!

Q: Why did the weather report go to school?
A: To improve its circulation!

Q: What did one hurricane say to the other?
A: I’ve got my eye on you!

Q: What’s a hurricane’s favorite game?
A: Twister!

Q: Why did the hurricane blush?
A: It saw the Gulf Coast!

Q: Why do Earth and the other planets in our solar system never get along?
A: Because they need space!

Q: Why was the Earth so good in school?
A: It always had its geography on point!

Q: What kind of plant rules the garden?
A: The flower of the land!

Q: Why did the can crusher quit his job?
A: Because it was soda-pressing!

Q: How do trees go online?
A: They log in!

Q: Why did the tree go to the bank?
A: To start its own branch!

Q: What does a snowman eat for breakfast?
A: Frosted Flakes!

Q: Why did the dog sit in the shade?
A: He didn’t want to be a hot dog!

Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A: A flat minor!

Q: Why did the bee get married?
A: He found his honey!

Q: How do you make an egg laugh?
A: Tell it a yolk!

Q: Why did the coffee file a police report?
A: It got mugged!

Q: How do you call an eye that can’t decide on its color?
A: An “iRis-decisive”!

Q: Why did the eye join the circus?
A: It was a great pupil of the art of clowning!

Q: Why did the eye bring a suitcase to the optometrist?
A: It was packed with baggage.

Q: Why did the eye lash out at the nose?
A: It was tired of being looked down upon!

Q: Why did the eye go to school?
A: To improve its pupil performance!

Q: What did one eye say to the other eye?
A: Between you and me, something smells.

Q: Why don’t lawyers go to the beach?
A: Cats keep trying to bury them in the sand!

Q: What do honest lawyers and UFOs have in common?
A: You always hear about them, but you never see them.

Q: Why did the scarecrow become a lawyer?
A: He was outstanding in his field!

Q: What did the lawyer name his daughter?
A: Sue!

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.

Q: How does an attorney sleep?
A: First they lie on one side, then they lie on the other side.

Q: Why did Mel always carry a tune?
A: Because Mel-ody is in her name!

Q: Why was Sue always sticky?
A: Because she’s a sweetheart!

Q: What did the cat named Frank say after eating a mouse?
A: That was “frankly” delicious!

Q: Why was Earl always first to class?
A: Because “Earl-y” is his middle name!

Q: What do you call someone who steals money?
A: A robber. What do you call someone who sends you a bill? Robbert!

Q: What do you call it when Adam takes out the trash?
A: Adam’s duty!

Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?
A: Ground beef!

Q: What do you call a pile of kittens?
A: A meowtain!

Q: What room do ghosts avoid?
A: The living room!

Q: What do you call a fish with a bowtie?
A: Sofishticated!

Q: What do you call fake spaghetti?
A: An “impasta”!

Q: What do you get when you cross a canary and a lawnmower?
A: Shredded tweet!

Q: Why do movie stars always stay cool?
A: Because they have so many fans!

Q: Why was the belt cast in the movie?
A: It was a cinch for the role!

Q: Why did the actor storm out of the theater?
A: He was in a scene and not herd!

Q: How do you organize a space movie party?
A: You planet!

Q: Why did the movie director go to the beach?
A: To shoot the sunset scene!

Q: Why don’t secrets last long in a movie theater?
A: Because there’s too much popcorn!

Q: What’s a volcano’s favorite instrument?
A: The bass! It loves those deep explosive notes!

Q: Why did the geologist go to the volcano?
A: For the uplifting experience!

Q: Why did the volcano blush?
A: It saw the earth’s crust!

Q: What’s a volcano’s favorite kind of candy?
A: Anything that’s pop rocks!

Q: Why did the volcano apply for a job?
A: It wanted to become erupt-ly employed!

Q: Why did the volcano break up with the mountain?
A: It wanted someone with more depth!

Q: Why did the LED go to school?
A: To improve its bright future!

Q: Why was the chandelier hanging out with the lamp?
A: It needed a little light conversation!

Q: What did the light say when it was turned off?
A: “I’m delighted!”

Q: Why did the flashlight get a ticket?
A: It didn’t stop on a flash!

Q: How do you mend a broken lamp?
A: With light adhesive!

Q: Why did the light bulb fail its class?
A: It wasn’t too bright!

Q: What’s a skeleton’s favorite classic book?
A: “The Bone Collector.”

Q: Why was the computer cold at the library?
A: It had too many windows open, ruining the plot!

Q: Why did the math book look sad?
A: It had too many problems!

Q: Why did the tomato turn red?
A: Because it saw the salad dressing! (It’s a short story!)

Q: How do you make a book stand?
A: Take away its chair!

Q: Why did the scarecrow become a writer?
A: Because he was outstanding in his field!

Q: Why did the flame go to the party?
A: To light up the mood!

Q: What did the HVAC tech say when he fixed the heater?
A: “It’s not the heat, it’s the humility.”

Q: Why was the boiler always calm?
A: Because it had a lot of inner steam!

Q: Why did the furnace apply for a job?
A: It wanted to be a professional heat seeker!

Q: What did the radiator say to the thermostat?
A: “You really turn me on!”

Q: Why did the heater go to school?
A: To become a little hotter!

Q: Why did the mechanical engineer get kicked out of the gardening club?
A: Because he kept trying to plant gears!

Q: Why did the civil engineer refuse to play cards?
A: He was worried about the high stakes of bridge!

Q: Why did the software engineer go broke?
A: Because he used up all his cache!

Q: How did the engineer demonstrate the law of diminishing returns?
A: He brought a scale to the donut shop!

Q: Why don’t electrical engineers make good comedians?
A: Resistance is futile to their kind of humor!

Q: Why did the engineer go to art school?
A: Because he wanted to draw up some support!

Q: Why did the musical note say “happy birthday”?
A: Because it was in a good “key” mood!

Q: What do cats give each other for birthdays?
A: “Purr-sents!”

Q: Why did the birthday boy bring a ladder to the bar?
A: He heard the drinks were on the house!

Q: Why did the balloon go near the computer?
A: To get a “byte” of the birthday cake!

Q: What do you always get on your birthday?
A: Another year older!

Q: How do you organize a fantastic birthday party?
A: You “cake” it one step at a time!

Q: Why did the old man put candles on the toilet?
A: He wanted to have a birthday potty!

Q: Why did the birthday cake visit the doctor?
A: Because it was feeling crumby!

Q: What did one candle say to the other?
A: “Don’t birthdays burn you up?”

Q: Why did the credit analyst avoid making jokes?
A: He didn’t want to risk a bad rating!

Q: Why did the piggy bank go to the doctor?
A: It was feeling a little stuffed up!

Q: What’s a hedge fund manager’s favorite type of music?
A: Heavy metal… they love bands!

Q: Why did the ATM keep taking breaks?
A: It suffered from cash withdrawals!

Q: What coin is always unhappy?
A: A penny for your thoughts!

Q: Why did the dollar break up with the penny?
A: Because it found out she was just small change!

Q: What did the cheese say after escaping the mouse?
A: I’m gouda!

Q: Why did the duck get detention?
A: For quacking in class!

Q: Why did the baker go to jail?
A: He was caught rolling in the dough!

Q: Why did the musician break up with the metronome?
A: She couldn’t keep the beat!

Q: How do you organize a space party?
A: You planet!

Q: Why don’t oysters donate to charity?
A: Because they’re shellfish!

Q: Why did the computer keep freezing?
A: It had too many “windows” open, just like a multitasking parent!

Q: Why did the math book look sad?
A: Because it had too many parent-teacher conference “problems.”

Q: Why did the parent’s favorite game become hide and seek?
A: It was the only way to enjoy a moment of peace and quiet!

Q: Why did the scarecrow become a parent?
A: Because he was outstanding in his “field” of patience during dinner time!

Q: How do you make a tissue dance?
A: Put a little “boogie” in it! (Parents will understand.)

Q: Why did the parent bring string to the café?
A: They wanted to tie up some “loose ends” during their five-minute break!

Q: Why did the tomato turn red?
A: Because it saw the mushroom salad dressing!

Q: How do mushrooms send their mail?
A: Via spore-al delivery!

Q: What do you call a mushroom with a strong personality?
A: A Shiitake leader!

Q: Why did the mushroom always get invited to pizza parties?
A: Because he was such a great topping!

Q: What’s a mushroom’s favorite type of music?
A: Mushroom-bop!

Q: Why did the mushroom go to the party?
A: Because he was a fun-gi!

Q: Why did the banana go to the doctor?
A: It wasn’t peeling very well!

Q: What kind of apple has a short temper?
A: A crabapple!

Q: What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?
A: Yellow!

Q: Why did the watermelon start a school?
A: It wanted to become a watermelon-dictorian!

Q: What fruit loves to go to school?
A: A scholar-berry!

Q: What did one grape say to the other grape when it got stepped on?
A: Nothing, it just let out a little “whine”!

Q: What are squirrels giving each other for Valentine’s Day?
A: Deez Nuts!

Q: What kind of nuts always seems to have a cold?
A: Sneez Nuts!

Q: Do you have that book about tiny creatures in your garden?
A: Which one?
A: “Deez Bugs.”

Q: What do you call nuts on a chest?
A: Chestnuts.
Q: What about nuts on a wall?
A: Walnuts.
Q: And nuts on your chin?
A: Deez Nuts!

Q: Do you know what my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket?
A: Wonder how far I can kick Deez Nuts!

Q: Have you seen my squirrel toy?
A: No, what does it do?
A: Grabs Deez Nuts!

Q: What’s in the new trail mix?
A: Raisins, chocolate, and Deez Nuts!

Q: Do you know the leading cause of dry skin?
A: Towelz and Deez Nuts!

Q: What’s the title of the new documentary on nuts?
A: Deez Nuts: A True Story.

Q: What did the almond say to the peanut?
A: Deez Nuts!

Why did the tree hate autumn?
It felt stripped of its dignity!

Why did the wind get invited to the fall party?
Because it always blows everyone away!

Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field!

Why did the pumpkin sit with the sun?
It wanted to be a little “latte” tanned!

Why did the tree say goodbye to the leaves?
It was time to “leaf” them behind!

Why did the shopping cart break up with the supermarket?
It felt pushed around all the time!

Why did the chicken sit on the computer?
It wanted to keep an eye on the chicken cursor!

Why did the computer keep losing at Minesweeper?
It couldn’t handle the pressure of a mouse click!

Why did the computer keep going to Yahoo! for answers?
Because Google was feeling lucky and Bing was just a sound it made when turned on!

Why did Flappy Bird get kicked out of school?

He was always winging his tests!

Why do water never trust the mountains?

Because they have peaky leaks!

Why did the bird join Twitter?

It already had the tweets!

Why were chainsaws invented?

To give trees a buzzcut!

Why did Monday bring sunglasses to work?
It wanted to have a bright start!

Why did the scarecrow move to Michigan?
Because it heard Detroit had a lot of fields!

How do you know someone’s from Michigan?
They show you where they live on their hand!

Why did the Michigan weather report go viral?
Because it had all four seasons in one day!

What’s a Michiganer’s favorite type of math?
Snow-pluse and minuses!

Why did the football team go to Michigan?
They heard the state was in the “mitt” of a winning streak!

Why did Ronaldo bring string to the soccer match?

To tie the score!

Why did the salt get in trouble at school?
It kept pouring on the sass!

What did the sea say to the salt?
Stop seasoning me!

Why did the pepper tell the salt to stop being so moody?
Because it was too salty!

How does the ocean greet the salt?
With a salty wave!

Why did the salt go to the doctor?
It had high sodium pressure!

Accident, Maryland, USA
Why, Arizona, USA
No Name, Colorado, USA
Boring, Oregon, USA
Dull, Scotland, UK
Bland, New South Wales, Australia
Hell, Michigan, USA
Peculiar, Missouri, USA
Truth or Consequences, New Mexico, USA
Ding Dong, Texas, USA
Cool, California, USA
Batman, Turkey
Middelfart, Denmark
Intercourse, Pennsylvania, USA
Hot Coffee, Mississippi, USA
Climax, Michigan, USA
Spread Eagle, Wisconsin, USA
Santa Claus, Indiana, USA

Anita Bath
Al Bino
Ivana Tinkle
Ben Dover
Drew Peacock
Ima Hogg
Hugh Jass
Barb Dwyer
Anna Sasin
Seymour Butts
Chris P. Bacon
Harry Baals
Holly Wood
Paige Turner
Terry Bull
Lou Zar
Dee Sember
Warren Peace
Will Power
Eileen Dover

What do you call a baby potato?
A tater tot!

Why did the potato go to the party?
Because it was a mashed hit!

How do you describe an angry potato?
Boiling mad!

Why did the ketchup turn red?
It saw the salad dressing!

What did one tomato say to the other tomato during a race?
“You go ahead, I’ll ketchup!”

Why did the ketchup go to school?
To become a little saucier!

Why did the beard get promoted?

Because it grew on the boss!

Why did the smartphone go to school?

It wanted to improve its “cell-f” esteem!

Why did the image go to therapy?
It had too many layers of issues!

How do Photoshop experts flirt?
“Are you a magic wand? Because every time I select you, everything else disappears.”

Why was the pixel upset at the vector?
Every time they argued, the vector kept saying, “It’s just not that clear cut!”

Why did the basketball team go to the bank?
To get their bounce checks!

Why did the basketball apply for a job?
It wanted to get picked up!

Why was the basketball court wet?
Because the players kept dribbling!

Why did the basketball team go to art school?
They wanted to draw fouls!

Why was the basketball player bad at math?
He thought a “full court press” was a juice machine!

What do you call a truck that’s great at singing?

A pickup artist!

Why did the chicken join a band?
Because it had the drumsticks!

Why did the chicken go to the séance?
To talk to the other side!

Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch its legs!

What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon?
They go on peck-nics!

Why did the turkey join the band?
Because it had the drumsticks, but the chicken took all the credit!

Why did the chicken sit on the egg?
Because it didn’t have a chair!

How do you know if a chicken is on vacation?
It uses its “egg-spert” travel agent!

Why did the chicken go to the library?
It wanted a book on “egg-citing” adventures!

Why did the chicken get detention?
For using fowl language!

What did the chicken say after laying a square egg?
“Ouch!”

Why was the cat sitting on the computer?
It wanted to keep an eye on the mouse!

What do you call a pile of kittens?
A meow-tain!

Why did the cat run from the tree?
It wanted to get down before the bark!

Why did Pandora’s box go to therapy?

It had too many secrets it couldn’t contain!

Why did the emoji avoid Skype calls?

It didn’t want to show its true “face”!

Why did the shorts get promoted?

Because they were outstanding in their field!

Why did the Sudoku puzzle go to the therapist?

It had too many unresolved issues!

Why did the wine go to school?

To become a little more refined!

Why did Wonder Woman get kicked out of the poker game?

Every time she had a good hand, her Lasso of Truth gave it away!

Why did the car apply for anger management?

It had too many road rage issues!

Why did the Wikipedia article go on a date?

To find a reliable source!

Why did the time traveler attend school five times?
He was trying to get his history right!

Why did the time traveler bring a pencil to his journey?
In case he needed to “rewind” history!

“Why did the old book go to the doctor?”
It said, “I have a bad case of history!”
The ancient scroll added, “I’ve been feeling a bit unwound too.”

An old sundial was asked about its morning routine.
It replied, “I used to be the wake-up call!”
The hourglass chimed in, “Those were the days, but time sands still for no one.”

Two old records were reminiscing.
One said, “Remember the good old days of vinyl?”
The other responded, “Absolutely, those were the real spin times!”

Monday received a letter from the weekend.
It read, “See you in six days!”
Monday responded, “The countdown begins!”

The calendar was asked about its least favorite day.
It said, “I can’t decide between Monday and February 29th!”
The planner replied, “At least Monday comes around more often!”

“Why was Monday feeling blue?”
Tuesday replied, “Because it has too many weak days ahead!”
Wednesday added, “And it’s always a week start!”

Monday bumped into Sunday at the calendar party.
Sunday said, “Long time no see!”
Monday sighed, “It’s always just a week for us.”

“Why did the alarm clock feel guilty on Monday?”
It said, “I just hate being the bearer of bad news!”
The snooze button added, “I’m the only one they like on Mondays.”

A cup of coffee was asked about its favorite day.
It replied, “Definitely Monday!”
The tea cup responded, “You always have such a strong presence then!”

A book was asked about its weight loss secret.
It said, “I got rid of the appendix!”
The magazine replied, “I’ve always been thin on content!”

“Why did the bulb fail its exam?”
Another bulb responded, “Probably because it wasn’t too bright!”
The flashlight added, “Some just can’t handle the spotlight.”

A cup of tea was asked its favorite music.
It replied, “I prefer the tea-jazz!”
Coffee chimed in, “I’m more into brews and rock!”

Two steaks were discussing their favorite games.
One said, “I love hide and seek!”
The other replied, “Yes, but I’m always medium rare to be found.”

A clock was complimented on its speed.
It said, “Time flies when you’re having fun!”
The calendar replied, “Months at a time!”

An egg was asked about its day.
It replied, “It’s been eggceptional!”
Another egg said, “You crack me up!”

A batsman visited a nutritionist.
The nutritionist advised, “Eat more greens.”
The batsman responded, “I’ve been trying, but the fielders keep catching them!”

Two batsmen were at a restaurant.
One said, “I’m having the chicken run.”
The other replied, “As long as it’s not a run out!”

A cricket stumps manufacturer opened a fashion store.
A customer asked, “Why sell clothes?”
The owner replied, “Because every outfit here is a hit!”

“Why did the cricket fielder go to school?”
His coach said, “To improve his catching skills!”
The fielder responded, “Actually, I just wanted to catch a break.”

A fast bowler went to a bakery.
The baker asked, “What would you like?”
The bowler replied, “Some buns, but please don’t serve them with a flat pitch!”

“Why do programmers always get confused between their age and 128?”
“Because that’s a bit of a difference!”

A programmer went to a grocery store.
The clerk asked, “Why are you buying 1000 items?”
The programmer replied, “I’m just trying to initialize my array.”

A programmer was spotted at a movie theater.
His friend asked, “Watching ‘A Bug’s Life’?”
The programmer sighed, “No, just trying to find inspiration for debugging.”

Two programmers went to a restaurant.
The waiter asked, “What will you have?”
One said, “I’ll have the infinite loop pasta!”
The waiter responded, “It’s endless, just like your code!”

“Why do programmers always mix up Christmas and Halloween?”
Another responded, “Because Oct 31 = Dec 25.”

A programmer took a cup of coffee to his workspace.
His colleague asked, “Working on Java?”
The programmer replied, “How did you guess?”

Thursday went to a theater.
The ticket collector said, “Enjoy the show!”
Thursday replied, “Thanks! But I’m just here for the previews before the main event on Friday.”

Wednesday said to Thursday,
“Why are you always so happy?”
Thursday grinned, “Because every time I show up, it means Friday is just a sleep away!”

Monday asked Thursday,
“Why do you always seem confused?”
Thursday responded, “People keep thinking I’m Friday in disguise.”

A tired worker said on a Thursday,
“I can’t believe it’s not Friday!”
His colleague replied, “Hold on, Thursday’s the Friday eve!”

Thursday was chatting with Friday.
“Why do people always look back on me?” Thursday wondered.
Friday responded, “Because you’re always a throwback!”

On a hot Thursday afternoon, the calendar said to the water cooler,
“Is it just me or are we close to the weekend?”
The water cooler replied, “Stay hydrated, Friday’s on the horizon!”

The square root of 4 walked into a bar.
The bartender said, “Two drinks coming up!”
The root replied, “You figured me out.”

Pi walked into a bakery.
The baker asked, “How many pies?”
Pi replied, “It’s a never-ending story.”

A decimal went to a dance party.
Another number asked, “Why don’t you settle down?”
The decimal replied, “I’m always trying to get a point across.”

Why did X go to school?
It wanted to find its value.

A right angle wrote a love letter.
It said, “Dear acute angle, you make my heart feel 90 degrees warmer.”

A triangle went to a barbershop.
The barber asked, “What kind of cut?”
The triangle said, “Just take a little off the angles.”

A circle was feeling down.
A friend asked, “What’s wrong?”
The circle replied, “I’m just going around in circles.”

Six bumped into Seven at a party.
Seven said, “Hey, buddy!”
Six replied, “Stay away! I’ve heard stories about you.”

Two parallel lines met.
One said, “Let’s be friends!”
The other replied, “Sorry, we’ll never meet.”

A ping pong ball said to a tennis ball,
“Why are you so much bigger than me?”
The tennis ball replied, “Because I have bigger court issues!”

A volleyball visited the beach.
Another ball asked, “First time here?”
The volleyball replied, “No, I’m just here for the net-working.”

A golf ball went to a therapist.
The therapist asked, “What’s the problem?”
The golf ball sighed, “I’m in a hole.”

A soccer ball was feeling down.
His friend asked, “What happened?”
He replied, “I’ve just been kicked around too much.”

A basketball walked into a bar.
The bartender said, “Why the long bounce?”
The basketball replied, “Just dribbling around.”

A cookie tried to open a bank account. The banker said, “Sorry, we can’t serve you.” The cookie asked, “Why not?” The banker replied, “You’re already a bit crumbled, and we can’t risk more breakage.”

A check walked into a bar. The bartender said, “Sorry, we don’t serve your kind here.” The check, feeling dejected, replied, “Guess I’ll just bounce then.”

A river went to the bank to open an account. The teller asked, “What’s the purpose?” The river replied, “Just trying to go with the flow.”

Two dollar bills were chatting in a wallet.
One said, “I’m so bored, I’ve been stuck here for weeks.”
The other replied, “Be patient. We’re just earning our interest.”

A bank manager was feeling down about his job.
His friend asked, “What’s wrong?”
The manager replied, “Every time I offer someone a loan, they just lose interest.”

Superman was thinking about a career change. He went to a music store and picked up a guitar. The shopkeeper said, “Rock on, Superman!” Superman replied, “Well, I was thinking more of ‘Air Guitar’ champion.”

Clark Kent was getting tired of his day job. He said to Lois Lane, “Maybe I should start a delivery service. I’d be the fastest.” Lois replied, “You’d be ‘Super-Amazon Prime’!” Superman chuckled, “Free shipping for everyone!”

Superman was chatting with Wonder Woman. “Every time I fly, birds get scared and fly away,” he lamented. Wonder Woman replied, “Maybe it’s because they think you’re a really big bird with a fashion statement.” Superman just sighed, “It’s always the cape, isn’t it?”

Superman was feeling a bit down one day. He went to see Batman for advice. Batman told him, “Maybe you should try flying without the cape.” Superman replied, “And risk getting a cold? No way!”

Why did the car apply for a job? It wanted to quit being a junker and start making some gas money!

Why did the shopping cart go to therapy? It had too much baggage!

Why was the computer cold at the store? It had too many windows open!

Why did the belt get arrested? It was holding up a pair of pants in the store!

I went to buy some camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any.

Why did the scarecrow win an award at the supermarket? He was outstanding in his field of produce!

I told my wife she was spending too much time at the shoe store. Now I’m in sole trouble.

Why do shoppers love the music at department stores? It’s always in-store!

I went to the store to buy a new book on anti-gravity. I couldn’t put it down!

Did you hear about the corduroy pillow? It made headlines in the home goods section!

“I found a great deal on broken pencils today!” “Nevermind, it’s pointless.”

Why did Batman never use smartphones?
Because the Bat-Signal was his favorite way to get a call!

Why did Batman and Robin never use smartphones?
Because the Bat-Signal wasn’t on Airplane Mode!

Why was Batman so good at baseball?
Because he’s a natural at batting!

What does Batman put in his beverages?
Just-ice.

Why did Batman and Robin skip lunch?
Because the Bat-Bite was too small!

Why did Batman never make it as a musician?
Every time he played a note, it was always too “dark.”

How does Batman take his coffee?
Black. Just like his cape.

Why did Batman feel so neutral about everything?
Because he always saw the world in black and white!

Why couldn’t Batman go fishing?
Because Robin ate all the worms!

Why did Batman always carry an umbrella?
In case it rained on his parade (of villains)!

Why don’t lighthouses ever go to college?
Because they’re already bright enough!

Why did the lighthouse break up with the ship?
Because it was tired of being taken for “granite”!

Why did the lighthouse say to the ship?
I’ve been “beaconing” you for hours!

Why are lighthouses such bad gossips?
Because they always spill the “beacon”!

Why did the lighthouse refuse to play hide and seek?
Because it was always spotted!

What do you call a lighthouse’s bad day?
A “fright-house”!

Why did the lighthouse become a musician?
Because it loved to play the “beacons”!

Why did the lighthouse go to therapy?
It needed help with its “beacon-ing” issues!

Why don’t lighthouses make good detectives?
Because they always let their light “shine” on the suspect!

Why did the lighthouse blush?
Because it saw the ship’s bottom!

Why don’t lighthouses ever lose at poker?
Because they always have a good “hand”le on the situation!

Why was the lighthouse a terrible chef?
Because it always over-“beacons” the meat!

What do you call a scared lighthouse?
A “fright”-house!

Why did the lighthouse refuse to play chess?
Because it was tired of being a “pawn”!

Why did the lighthouse never get lonely?
It always had a “light” companion!

Why don’t shirts ever get lost?
Because they always follow the top route!

Why was the belt arrested?
Because it was holding up a pair of pants!

Why did the sweater go to summer school?
Because it had too many “loops” to cover!

What’s a dress’s favorite part of a joke?
The “hem”-ing and hawing!

Why don’t shoes ever believe anything?
Because they always suspect “tongue”-in-cheek humor!

Why did the hat go to college?
Because it wanted to get a “cap”-tivating education!

Why did the necktie make a great detective?
Because it always goes straight to the neck of the matter!

Why did the scarf end its relationship with the hat?
Because it felt “smothered”!

Why was the shoe a great musician?
Because it had perfect “tongue”-ing!

Why do clothes always stick together?
Because they have great “seams”!

Why did the computer go to art school?
Because it wanted to learn how to draw better Google Doodles!

Why can’t Google ever lose an argument?
Because it always has search results to back it up!

Why did Google go to school?
Because it wanted to improve its search engine ranking in class!

Why was the SEO expert happy to work at Google?
Because he knew all the “keywords” to success!

Why did Google date Bing?
They thought opposites attract, but they ended up just searching for something better!

Why do Google employees never get lost?
Because they have access to Google Maps 24/7!

Why did Google go to therapy?
It had too many issues with cookies and cache!

What did the frustrated computer user say to Google?
“You’re the only search engine for me, but sometimes you just don’t understand my queries!”

Why don’t Google employees ever have to set alarms?
Because Google Calendar sends them enough reminders!

Why was Google Chrome so popular at the party?
Because it knew all the best sites to hang out!

Why don’t math books ever get to have fun on the first day of school?

Because they’re always full of problems!

Why did the tomato turn red in the kitchen?

Because it saw the salad dressing!

Why don’t chefs ever play hide and seek?

Because good luck hiding when the timer’s going off!

Why is duct tape like “The Force”?
Because it has a dark side, a light side, and it holds the universe together!

Why don’t ducks ever get stuck?
Because they always carry their own “duck tape”!

Why don’t ninjas make good comedians?
Because their punchlines are too fast to catch!

What’s a ninja’s favorite type of shoes?
Sneakers, of course!

Why did the ninja bring a ladder to the bar?
Because he heard the drinks were on the house!

Why don’t ninjas get locked out of their houses?
Because they always have the “key”-ai!

Why was the ninja good at baseball?
Because he always had a “stealth”-y swing!

How do you know a ninja has been in your house?
You don’t, until it’s too late!

Why did the ninja go to school?
To improve his “ninja-telligence”!

Why are ninjas always calm?
Because they have mastered the “art of peace”!

Why did the ninja bring two swords to the fight?
Because two swords are better than “one”-do!

Why do ninjas always carry a map?
Because they don’t like to be “caught off guard”!

Who’s always ready to lend you a hand?
Joe Mama!

Who’s the best cook in town?
Joe Mama!

Who’s always there to listen to your problems?
Joe Mama!

Who gives the warmest hugs?
Joe Mama!

Who can always cheer you up when you’re feeling blue?
Joe Mama!

Who’s got an unbeatable smile?
Joe Mama!

Who’s always there to pick you up from school?
Joe Mama!

Who makes the best apple pie?
Joe Mama!

Who’s the biggest fan of your music band?
Joe Mama!

Who knows all the lyrics to your favorite songs?
Joe Mama!

Who always makes sure you’ve got clean clothes?
Joe Mama!

Who’s an expert at fixing things around the house?
Joe Mama!

Who can tuck you in bed just right?
Joe Mama!

Who can make any place feel like home?
Joe Mama!

Who’s got the best life advice?
Joe Mama!

Why did the blogger break up with Joomla and move to WordPress?
Because he found a better connection with WordPress, it’s more user-friendly!

Why was the WordPress website acting crazy?
Because it couldn’t decide on which theme to wear!

Why do WordPress users have an edge in debates?
Because they always have a “plug-in” for their argument!

Why did WordPress go to the party?
Because it heard there was going to be a “hosting”!

Why did the developer go broke?
Because he spent all his money on premium WordPress themes!

Why was the WordPress website good at baseball?
Because it always hit the right “tags”!

What do WordPress and a good restaurant have in common?
They both need to serve “cookies”!

Why was WordPress worried about its diet?
Because it had too many “cookies”!

Why did the WordPress site get an award?
Because it was outstanding in its “field” (custom field, that is)!

Why did the developer date WordPress?
Because it had all the right “features”!

Why did the cow move to New York City?
It wanted to see the moosicals on Broadway!

Why don’t cows play hide and seek?
Because they always have a beef with the person counting!

Why did the cow start eating healthier?
It wanted to be outstanding in its field!

Why did the cow go to outer space?
It wanted to see if the moon was really made of cheese!

What is a cow’s favorite subject in school?
Moo-sic!

Why don’t cows have money?
Because farmers milk them dry!

Why don’t violins get invited to summer parties?
Because they always bring their own strings attached!

What’s a violin’s favorite type of story?
A fiddle-faddle tale!

Why did the violin go to therapy?
It had too many bowed emotions!

What’s the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
The amount of beer that gets spilled on them!

How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
Put it in a viola case!

What do you call a violin that never listens to its teacher?
A viola-tor of rules!

Why was the violin a great musician?
Because it always knew the score!

Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
Because he was Haydn!

Why was the violin always picked last in gym class?
It could never catch a tune!

What’s a violin’s favorite type of joke?
A bow-lly good one!

Why did the violin go to jail?
Because it was caught playing high notes on the roof!

Why don’t violins like to go to school?
Because they prefer to be home-schooled!

Why was the violin good at math?
Because it always counted its rests!

What do you call a violin with a bad attitude?
A fiddle fit!

Why was the violin always late?
It was too busy fiddling around!

Why did the violin get in trouble at school?
It couldn’t keep its notes straight!

Why did the violin go to the bar?
To have a few bow shots!

What’s a violin’s favorite part of a song?
The “string” section!

Why was the violin a great diplomat?
Because it could always find a way to strike a chord!

Why did the violin go on a diet?
It was tired of its “waist” line!

January: Why did January go to school with February?
Because he couldn’t make it through the winter alone!

February: Why does everyone love February?
Because it’s so charming, it can win over the year in just 28 days!

March: Why did March become a musician?
Because it’s always in tune, coming in like a lion and going out like a lamb!

April: Why is April the toughest month?
Because it showers even when it’s not crying!

May: Why is everyone so polite to May?
Because it always asks “May I?” before stepping into the year!

June: Why did the sun break up with June?
Because it was tired of long daylight hours and needed some space!

July: Why is July the funniest month?
Because it always cracks everyone up at the summer barbecues!

August: Why did August get a ticket?
Because it was caught speeding through summer!

September: Why is September so smart?
Because it always knows when it’s time to go back to school!

October: Why did October dress up as a ghost?
Because it’s always trying to scare away the year!

November: Why is November so generous?
Because it always gives thanks!

December: Why did December apply for a job at the bakery?
Because it makes the best rolls – snow rolls!

Why is 69 afraid of 70?
Because they once had a fight and 70 won!

Why did 69 take a break from its job?
It was feeling overworked – it already had too many responsibilities at home!

Why do math students like the number 69?
Because it’s a perfectly reciprocal number – it looks the same upside down!

Why did the number 69 apply sunscreen?
Because it didn’t want to turn into 70!

Why is 69 always the star at the party?
Because it’s always in the center of the number line dance!

Why don’t mathematicians ever have to solve family problems?

Because for them, all problems are as easy as “pi”!

Santa: Why don’t we ever see elephants hiding in trees?
Banta: I don’t know, why?
Santa: Because they’re really good at it!

Banta: Santa, do you know how to keep a fool in suspense?
Santa: No, how?
Banta: I’ll tell you tomorrow!

Santa: I’ve swallowed a lot of food coloring.
Banta: Are you feeling okay?
Santa: I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

Banta: Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
Santa: No, what happened?
Banta: He’s all right now.

Santa: I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.
Banta: And then?
Santa: Then it hit me!

Banta: Why did the bicycle fall over?
Santa: I have no idea.
Banta: Because it was two-tired!

Santa: I have a great joke about time travel.
Banta: Let’s hear it!
Santa: But you didn’t like it.

Banta: Why don’t scientists trust atoms?
Santa: I don’t know, why?
Banta: Because they make up everything!

Santa: What do you call fake spaghetti?
Banta: I’m not sure, what?
Santa: An impasta!

Banta: How does a train eat?
Santa: I don’t know, how?
Banta: It goes chew, chew!

Santa: I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes…
Banta: How did she react?
Santa: She gave me a hug!

Banta: Why don’t you ever play hide and seek with mountains?
Santa: Why not?
Banta: Because they always peak!

Santa: What happens when you talk to a cow?
Banta: What?
Santa: It goes in one ear and out the udder!

Banta: Why don’t some fish play piano?
Santa: Why?
Banta: They’re afraid of the keys!

Santa: I’d tell you a joke about a broken pencil…
Banta: Go on.
Santa: Never mind, it’s pointless!

It’s hotter than a firefighter’s practice dummy out here!

It’s hotter than a popcorn kernel at the bottom of the bag!

It’s hotter than a jalapeno’s armpit!

It’s hotter than a blister bug in a pepper patch!

It’s hotter than the hinges on the gates of Hades!

It’s hotter than a cat on a hot tin roof!

It’s hotter than the sweatband in a fireman’s helmet!

It’s hotter than a furnace in Death Valley!

It’s hotter than two foxes in a wool sack!

It’s hotter than a pepper sprout in a salsa dance competition!

Why don’t museums allow balloon animals?
Because they’re worried about pop art!

Why did Grandma start walking five miles a day?
She’s now 97 years old and we have no idea where she is!

Why did Grandma wear her sunglasses to the bingo game?
Because she has a flair for the dramatic and wanted to have a ‘bingo moment’!

Why are grandma’s cookies so popular on the internet?
Because they’re cookies that accept all visitors!

Why does grandma wake up at 4 am?
She didn’t want to sleep through her 5 am nap!

What did grandma say when she saw the spaghetti boiling over?
“Looks like pasta la vista, baby!”

Why did Grandma put her iPad into the blender?
She wanted to make apple juice!

Why did the redneck take a nap on his roof in the summer?
He thought it was the best way to get a full-body sun tan!

Why did the redneck go fishing in his bathtub during the summer?
He wanted to try out his new diving board, but it was just too hot outside!

Why did the redneck bring a fan to his BBQ?
Because he heard that it really helps with the grillin’ and chillin’!

Why don’t bears like fast food?
Because they can’t catch it!

What do you call a bear without any teeth?
A gummy bear!

What do you call a bear caught out in the rain?
A drizzly bear!

Why do bears have fur coats?
Because they’d look silly in sweaters!

What’s a bear’s favorite drink?
Koka-Koala!

What do you call a bear with no ears?
B!

Why do pandas like old movies?
Because they’re in black and white!

What do you call a bear that jumps but never lands?
Peter Panda!

How do you start a teddy bear race?
Ready, teddy, go!

Why don’t bears wear socks?
Because they have bear feet!

Why do computer hackers like to golf?
Because they’re great at driving and putting but really shine on the back nine when cracking the password!

How does a computer know if it has a good password?
It looks to see if it’s got character.

What’s a computer’s least favorite food?
A sloppy password.

What’s a hacker’s favorite type of password?
Yours.

Why did the hacker go broke?
Because he gave up all his cache for an easy password!

What does a polite password say?
Pardon me, but can you type me again?

What’s a ghost’s favorite type of password?
One that’s got a lot of spirit!

Why did the password get in trouble in school?
It couldn’t behave and kept breaking the rules!

What’s a cat’s favorite password?
“Claw1234”.

Why was the password bad at the game hide and seek?
Because it was always getting cracked!

Why don’t keyboards ever sleep?
Because they have two shifts!

Why was the keyboard feeling proud?
Because it has so many “caps”!

Why was the computer cold?
It left its Windows open and let in a draft!

What do you call a keyboard that can sing?
A Dell!

Why was the keyboard always losing at poker?
Because it kept showing a pair of Aces and a few 2s, 3s, and 4s!

Why can’t basketball players go on vacation?
Because they’d get called for traveling!

Why did the rubber ball go to school?
Because it wanted to get a little bounce in its step!

Why don’t grasshoppers watch soccer?
Because they watch cricket instead!

Why don’t computers ever get cold?
Because they have Windows!

Why was the computer cold at the office?
It left its Windows open!

Why was the computer cold at home?
It left all of its Windows open!

How does a computer get drunk?
It takes screenshots.

What do you call a computer that sings?
A-Dell.

Why did the spider go to the computer?
To check his web site.

Why was the math book sad?
Because it had too many problems to solve… on the internet!

What do you call a computer floating in the ocean?
Adele Rolling in the Deep.

Why did the computer keep sneezing?
It had a bad virus.

Why did the computer go to the doctor?
It thought it had a terminal illness!

Why don’t we tell secrets in Internet Explorer?
Because it takes too long for them to get out!

Why did the computer break up with Internet Explorer?
It couldn’t handle a long-distance relationship.

Why was Internet Explorer always picked last in gym class?
It could never catch up!

How does Internet Explorer say “hello”?
“Welcome to the 90s!”

Why did Internet Explorer bring a map to the computer?
It heard there was a shortcut, but couldn’t find it.

Why does Internet Explorer go to therapy?
To deal with its loading issues.

Why does Internet Explorer always lose at poker?
It’s got a terrible poker “cache.”

What’s Internet Explorer’s favorite time of year?
Buffering… Loading answer…

How does Internet Explorer apologize?
It asks you to “accept cookies.”

Why can’t Internet Explorer play hide and seek?
Because it always takes too long to find anything!

What do you call an elderly Internet Explorer?
An Internet Explorosaurus.

What’s Internet Explorer’s favorite exercise?
It likes to jog, but it’s always a few laps behind.

Why is Internet Explorer always at the end of the line?
It’s never in sync.

Why doesn’t Internet Explorer have any friends at the party?
It always arrives late.

How does Internet Explorer propose to its partner?
“Will you accept this cookie?”

Why did Internet Explorer get a ticket?
It couldn’t keep up with the traffic.

What’s Internet Explorer’s favorite film?
The Slow and the Spurious.

Why does Internet Explorer make a terrible detective?
It takes forever to get a clue.

Why did Internet Explorer get kicked out of the race?
It was always buffering behind.

What does Internet Explorer and a traffic jam have in common?
They both make you wait and make you late!

Why don’t we ever tell secrets on a farm?

Because the potatoes have eyes, the corn has ears, and the beans stalk!

Why did the photo go to jail?

Because it was framed!

Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don’t work!

Why don’t they serve drinks at Victoria’s Secret?

Because nobody wants to spill the beans and reveal Victoria’s Secret!

What does a cow drink?

The most mooooo-ving water it can find!

How much does a polar bear weigh?

Enough to break the ice!

Why don’t we ever put candles on a dad’s birthday cake? Because there’s not enough room to fit “a grillion” candles!

What did the dad say to his son on his birthday? “You know you’re getting old when the candles start costing more than the cake!”

Why did the dad get a ladder for his birthday? Because he thought he could finally get over his midlife crisis!

What do you call a father who only makes jokes on his birthday? “A birthdaddy joker!”

Why don’t dads ever play hide and seek on their birthdays? Because good luck hiding when the candles on your cake can be seen from space!

Why did the dad put his birthday cake in the freezer? He wanted to have an “ice” birthday for once!

Why did the father bring a pencil to his birthday party? He wanted to “draw” attention to the fact it’s his birthday!

What did the dad say after he blew out his birthday candles? “Well, at least the fire alarm works!”

Why did the dad get a belt for his birthday? He said it was his party and he could “waist” time if he wanted to!

What does a dad do when he reaches a certain age? He starts to lose his “birth day” and “birth night”!

Why did the dad bring a baseball glove to his birthday party? He said he didn’t want any of the “presents” to get past him!

What’s a dad’s favorite type of birthday music? “Pop” music!

What’s a dad’s favorite part of his birthday? Blowing out the candles… because it’s his one chance to hold a “fire” party!

Why was the dad’s birthday cake as big as a shoe? Because he wanted to “sneak-er” a bigger slice!

What’s a dad’s favorite birthday dessert? Ice cream, because it’s never too “cool” to have on your birthday!

Why did Barbie never go to college? She couldn’t decide between plastic surgery or becoming a doll-ectrician!

What do you call a group of Barbie dolls on a road trip? The “Plastic Posse!”

Why did Barbie break up with Ken? He was too much of a “doll-drum”!

How does Barbie stay fit? She has a “plastic”-sized workout routine!

Why did Barbie become a computer programmer? She heard it was the best way to “click” with Ken!

What did Barbie say to the doll doctor? “Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a “bar-bie-cue”!”

Why was Barbie always so calm and composed? Because she’s made of “bar-bie-tal”!

How did Barbie react when she heard a joke? She had a “plastic” laugh, of course!

Why did Barbie become an astronaut? To go on a “space-tastic” adventure!

How does Barbie stay in touch with her friends? Through her “bar-bie-phone,” of course!

A man is working at a pharmaceutical store, and he always gets the orders wrong. His boss tells him if he screws up one more time, he is fired.

An old man walks in and orders cough syrup. He can’t find any so he gives him a laxative instead. The man takes the laxative and leaves the store.

The boss comes up and asks why he gave the man a laxative in place of cough syrup. He points towards the old man who is suddenly leaning on a lightpost and says, “Look at him — he’s afraid to cough.”

Moses and his flock arrive at the sea, with the Egyptians in hot pursuit.

Moses calls a staff meeting.

“Well, how are we going to get across the sea?” asked Moses. “We need a fast solution. The Egyptians are close behind us.”

“Normally, I’d recommend that we build a pontoon bridge to carry us across,” said the General Of The Armies, “but there’s not enough time – the Egyptians are too close.”

“Normally, I’d recommend that we build barges to carry us across,” said the Admiral Of The Navy, “but time is too short.”

“Does anyone have a solution?” asked Moses.

Just then, his Public Relations man raised his hand.

“You!” said Moses, “You have a solution?”

“No,” said the PR man, “but I can promise you this: If you can find a way out of this one, I can get you two or three full pages in the Old Testament…”

Yo daddy is so clean, his shower takes a shower before he uses it!

Yo daddy is so intelligent, he solved a Rubik’s cube in one move!

Yo daddy is so smart, he can Google without internet!

Yo daddy is so chill, when he enters the room, the temperature drops!

Yo daddy is so cool, even the ice cubes are jealous!

Yo daddy is so tall, when he goes out in the sun, he burns from the ozone layer first!

Yo daddy is so rich, he buys a new wallet for every dollar he earns!

Yo daddy is so fast, when he turns off the light, he’s in bed before the room gets dark!

Yo daddy is so stylish, even his pajamas have a tie!

Yo daddy is so tech-savvy, he backs up his files in his lumbar support!

Yo daddy is so fit, he doesn’t run marathons – marathons try to keep up with him!

Yo daddy is such a good cook, even the smoke alarm is rooting for him!

What do you call an ant from the United States?
An Ameri-cant!

Why was the ant a great detective?
Because he always got to the bottom of things!

What do you call an ant who likes to play music?
A hum-ant!

What do you call an ant who can paint?
An arte-mis!

Why did the ant dance on the jam jar?
Because the lid said, “Twist to open!”

Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have little anty-bodies!

Why don’t elephants use computers?
They’re afraid of the mouse!

What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator!

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef!

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels!

Why did the dog sit in the shade?
He didn’t want to be a hot dog!

Why don’t fish play basketball?
They’re afraid of the net!

Why don’t cats play poker in the jungle?
Too many cheetahs!

Why doesn’t Italy ever lose at hide and seek?

Because no matter where it goes, you can always find the boot!

Why did the musician break up with OneNote?
There wasn’t enough harmony!

Why did the office workers become a football team?
They were always on Microsoft Teams!

Why does Microsoft Outlook always stay positive?
It’s always looking at the brighter Outlook!

Why did the cloud date Azure?
It was looking for a sky-blue relationship!

What’s Microsoft’s favorite meeting place?
SharePoint, because they can always find a common ground!

Why did Internet Explorer go to therapy?
It felt replaced by Edge!

How does Bill Gates like to make his presentations?
Power-Pointless!

Why did the cell break up with Excel?
It felt too crowded!

Why did the sentence break up with Microsoft Word?
It felt too corrected!

Why don’t Microsoft employees get locked out of their homes?
Because they always leave a Window open!

Why did the pen get a timeout?
It was always crossing the line!

Why was the blueprint anxious?
It was feeling drawn out!

Why do planets never play hide and seek with Pluto?
Because it’s always in a different Solar System!

What do historians always bring to the gym?
The ability to work up a historical sweat!

Why did the water bottle go to therapy?
It had too many cap issues!

Why was the equal sign so humble?
It knew it wasn’t less than or greater than anyone else!

Why did the tomato turn red?
It saw the salad dressing!

Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend?
He needed space!

Why don’t ghosts like fast food?
It goes right through them!

Why doesn’t a physics book ever fall off the shelf?
It always keeps the laws of attraction!

Why don’t we ever see time travelers at parties?
They already know they weren’t invited!

Why don’t secrets work in a computer?
Because even Windows can spill the beans!

What do you call a footballer who can play the piano?
A midfield maestro!

Why was the football field nervous?
It heard the players had killer kicks!

Why don’t grasshoppers watch football?
They prefer cricket!

What does a football goalkeeper eat for lunch?
Nothing, they don’t like to be fed goals!

Why don’t football teams go to the bakery?
Because they’re afraid of turnovers!

Why don’t football players ever get caught napping?
Because they’re good at ‘catching’ up on their sleep!

Why did the bread maker fall in love with the dough?
Because it kneaded love!

Why was the piano falling in love with the violin?
Because it couldn’t resist the “strings” attached!

Why do chemists make the best lovers?
Because they always have the right formula for romance!

Why did the Eskimo open a store at the North Pole?
Because business is always “glowing” up there!

What’s an Eskimo’s favorite dessert?
I-scream!

Why don’t Eskimos use salt on their icy walkways?
Because they don’t want to ruin their homemade “slip ‘n’ slide”!

Why was the Eskimo good at math?
Because he always knew how to “break the ice” into fractions!

Why did the Eskimo bring a baseball bat to dinner?
He heard there might be some “ice-breaking”!

Why do Eskimos always carry a pencil?
Because you never know when you might come across a sketchy “ice-olation”!

Why did the Eskimo build his house out of ice?
Because he wanted to have a “chill” place to hang out!

Why did the Eskimo become a painter?
Because he had a natural talent for drawing “cool” landscapes!

Why don’t Eskimos like talking at dinner?
They prefer to just “brr-eak” the ice!

Q: Why was the computer late to work?
A: It had a hard drive.

Q: Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up?
A: Because Oct 31 == Dec 25.

Q: Why was the computer cold?
A: It left its Windows open!

Q: Why was the computer cold at the store on Black Friday?
A: It left its Windows open.

Q: How do Black Friday shoppers exercise?
A: They do their cardio by running towards sales.

Q: Why don’t turkeys like Black Friday?
A: They don’t like being stuffed… especially into shopping carts.

Q: How does a penguin build its house?
A: Igloos it together.

Q: Why did the bicycle fall over?
A: It was two-tired.

Q: Why don’t scientists trust atoms?
A: Because they make up everything!

Q: What do you call a fake noodle?
A: An Impasta.

Q: Why don’t gardeners ever tell secrets?
A: Because the flowers will spill the beans.

Q: Why don’t we ever tell secrets on a farm?
A: Because the potatoes have eyes, the corn has ears, and the beans stalk.

Q: Why was the belt a great Hollywood agent?
A: It really knew how to hold things together.

Q: Why did the celebrity bring a ladder to the bar?
A: He heard the drinks were on the house.

Q: Why don’t movie stars play hide and seek?
A: Because they always get spotted.

Q: Why was the baseball so good at meditation?
A: It knew the key to peace was finding its center.

Q: Why don’t soccer balls make good detectives?
A: Because they can’t hold onto any leads.

Q: Why did the basketball go to school?
A: Because it heard it could improve its dribbling there.

Q: Why don’t bankers use pocket calculators?
A: They can always count on their interest.

Q: Why did the quarter go to school?
A: It wanted to feel a little change.

Q: Why do bankers make great joggers?
A: Because they know how to stay balanced.

Q: Why did the scarecrow become a construction worker?
A: Because he was outstanding in his field… and then he decided to build a house on it.

Q: Why did the doctor carry a red pen?
A: In case he needed to draw blood.

Q: Why don’t we tell secrets at the office?
A: Because the walls have ears and the computers have Windows.

Q: Why did the two 4’s skip dinner?
A: Because they already 8!

Q: What do you call a man who spent all summer at the beach?
A: A tangent. Because he’s been sun-tanning all summer long and can’t stop going off on tangents about it.

Q: Why was the calculator a great gossip?
A: Because it knew all the operations and could always count on the latest functions.

Q: Why was the number π upset?

A: Because it felt like it was being irrationally criticized!

Q: Why did the sun go to school?
A: To get a little brighter.

Q: How do you organize a space party?
A: You planet.

Q: Why did the moon skip dinner?
A: It was full.

Q: Why was the math book sad?
A: Because it had too many problems.

Q: Why did the number 7 eat number 9?
A: Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!

Q: Why was the equal sign so humble?
A: Because it knew it wasn’t less than or greater than anyone else.

Q: Why don’t some animals play cards in the wild?
A: Because they are afraid of cheetahs.

Q: What do you call a fish without eyes?
A: Fsh!

Q: Why don’t oysters donate to charity?
A: Because they are shellfish.

Monday walks into a coffee shop and asks for a large cup of coffee. The barista asks, “Why such a large cup, Monday?” Monday replies, “Because it’s a ‘grind’ to start the week!”

Why did Monday break the alarm clock? It was tired of being woken up early! But when Tuesday rolled around, it realized it had to find a new way to rise and shine.

Why did Monday call the police? Because it was robbed of its weekend! When Tuesday came around, it was found hiding in the week, pretending to be innocent.

Why don’t we allow eggs to tell jokes on Sundays?
Because they might crack up!

What’s a potato’s favorite day of the week?
Fry-day! But it’s always mashed by Sunday.

What’s a Sunday’s favorite music genre?
Easy like Sunday ‘mourning’ – when the weekend’s over!

Why did Sunday go to the school?
To catch up on some ‘day’-light reading!

How does Sunday communicate with Monday?
By week-mail!

Why don’t spiders go to church on Sunday?
They prefer to do their web design at home.

Why did Sunday get a ticket?
It tried to ‘week’-end too soon!

Why did Sunday blush?
Because it saw the rest of the ‘week’-end!

Why is Sunday always so strong?
Because the rest of the days are ‘week’ days!

What do you call a Sunday that acts like a Saturday?
A wannabe ‘week’-end!

What do you call a dog on a sunny day?
A hot dog!

Why do we never tell secrets on the beach?
Because the waves might spill the beans!

What’s the best day to go to the beach?
Sun-day!

Why don’t oysters donate to charity in the summer?
Because they are shellfish!

How do you prevent a summer cold?
Catch it in the winter!

What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer day?
I’m bacon!

What does the sun drink out of?
Sunglasses!

Why did the tomato turn red?
Because it saw the salad dressing and blushed all summer!

Why do bananas use sunscreen?
Because they peel!

What do you call a snowman with a suntan?
A puddle!

Why don’t Quidditch players get locked out of the house?
Because they always carry a Keeper!

How does Harry Potter get rid of a rash?
With quit-itch!

Why was Nearly Headless Nick so good at poker?
Because he always had a ghost of a chance!

Why did Professor Snape stand in the middle of the road?
So you wouldn’t know which side he was on!

Why doesn’t Voldemort have glasses?
Nobody nose!

Why did Harry Potter go to the therapist?
Because he never knew how to Siriusly deal with his problems.

How did Harry know the Weasley twins would be great at business?
They were always making cents!

Why was Harry Potter such a great musician?
Because he had all the right ‘notes’ from Hermoine!

Why was it easy for Ron Weasley to draw a circle?
Because he always knew where his ‘points’ were.

How does Dobby get his clothes so clean?
He always uses ‘elf’ detergent!

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Robin. Robin who? Robin you, hand over the cash!

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Amos. Amos who? A mosquito bit me!

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Atch. Atch who? Bless you!

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Cash. Cash who? I didn’t realize you were some kind of nut!

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Boo. Boo who? Don’t cry, it’s just a joke!

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Owls say. Owls say who? Yes, they do!

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Doris. Doris who? Doris locked, that’s why I’m knocking!

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Mikey. Mikey who? Mikey doesn’t fit in the keyhole!

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Kenya. Kenya who? Kenya please let me in now?

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Ivana. Ivana who? Ivana come in, it’s cold out here

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Alpaca. Alpaca who? Alpaca the suitcase, you load up the car!

Knock, knock. Who’s there? A little old lady. A little old lady who? I didn’t know you could yodel!

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce in, it’s cold out here!

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Olive. Olive who? Olive you and I miss you!

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Interrupting cow. Interrupting co— Moo!

Why did the compass break up with the map during their camping trip? Because it felt like it was always going in circles!

Why don’t campfires ever play hide and seek? Because they always glow and tell!

Going camping can be intense. Especially when you are inside a tent!

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Bear. Bear who? Bear-y nice to meet you, fellow camper!

Why did the camper always carry a map? He didn’t want to get caught in a bear trap!

How do you communicate with a fish while camping? You drop it a line!

Why do campers always carry a stick? Because they can’t pause nature!

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Owl. Owl who? Owl see you at the campfire tonight!

Why do we tell actors to break a leg? Because every camp play has a cast!

If people tell campfire stories, do campfires tell people stories?

Why don’t campers ever play cards in the wild? Because of the cheetahs!

Why did the sun go to school? To get brighter for camp days!

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Tent. Tent who? Tent to forget anything while camping, did you?

Why did the scarecrow win an award at camp? He was outstanding in his field!

Why don’t ants get sick at camp? They have little anty-bodies!

What’s a camper’s favorite type of music? Anything that’s in-tents!

What do you call a camper who tells silly jokes? A happy camper!

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Camp. Camp who? Camp-alieve we’re going to have so much fun!

Why did the camper bring a ladder? He wanted to climb to new heights!

Why don’t spiders go camping? They prefer to stay on the web!

Why do campers always sleep with their shoes on? They don’t want to wake up barefoot!

Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything, even farts!

They say laughter is the best medicine, but sometimes, a good old fart can make you feel better!

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Fart. Fart who? Farther away you stand, the better it is for both of us!

Farts are like children, you always love your own.

Why should you never fart on an elevator? It’s wrong on so many levels.

A fart is the loneliest cry of an imprisoned turd.

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Fart. Fart who? Fartunately, I made it to the bathroom on time!

The secret to a happy relationship is, fart right from the start.

Do you know the definition of surprise? A fart with a lump in it.

Never trust a fart when your stomach is hurting. It could be a shart in disguise.

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Fart. Fart who? Farting is such sweet sorrow!

They say that every time you fart, a part of your soul escapes. If that’s true, I’m a very soulful person.

He who smelt it, dealt it. But he who denied it, supplied it.

Why don’t you ever fart in an Apple store? Because they don’t have Windows!

Farts are like fingerprints, each one is unique and leaves a lasting impression.

Why don’t gingers play hide and seek? Because they’re always spotted!

Being a redhead is not a choice. It’s not even a hair color. It’s a lifestyle!

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Ginger. Ginger who? Gingerly handle the cookies, they’re fresh from the oven!

How do gingers respond to haters? They just brush it off, after all, they’re used to combing through the tangles!

Gingers are like unicorns. Not because they’re mythical, but because they’re so magical!

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Ginger. Ginger who? Ginger Rogers. I came to dance my way into your heart!

Why are gingers always fashion forward? Because their hair is always making a bold statement!

People say gingers have fiery tempers. But in truth, they’re just warming up!

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Ginger. Ginger who? Ginger bread man. I ran all the way from the oven to tell you a joke!

Gingers don’t need the sun. They bring their own sunshine!

Never trust atoms. They make up everything!

If you see a robbery at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?

Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing. I told my computer that today was my birthday, and it said that I needed an upgrade.

Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home!

Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a pool.

Yesterday, I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”

I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.

I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.

The rotation of earth really makes my day.

Why don’t they play hide and seek on the Titanic? Because good luck hiding when your ship’s about to hit an iceberg!

Why was the computer cold on the Titanic? It left its Windows open!

Why did the baker on the Titanic refuse to make bread? He didn’t knead another roll on this sinking ship!

Why was the lettuce the bravest vegetable on the Titanic? Because it remained crisp despite the iceberg!

Why don’t Titans ever hide? Because sooner or later, every knee shall bow!

Why did the Titan fail his driving test? He couldn’t handle the Saturn!

Why are Titans terrible storytellers? They always have gigantic plot holes!

Why did the Titan start a bakery? He wanted to make everything larger than loaf!

Why did the Titan never lose at poker? He always had a giant up his sleeve!

Why was the math book afraid of the Titan? Because it had too many problems for a Titan to handle!

What do you call a Titan who tells tall tales? A myth-understood!

Why did the Titan get kicked out of the library? He couldn’t keep his myth down!

Why did the Titan get bad grades in school? Because he took up too much space!

Why did the Titan join the baseball team? He was known for his giant swing!

Why don’t Titans use smartphones? They always hit the wrong keys!

Why was the Titan bad at hide and seek? He could never blend in!

Why did the Titan go to therapy? He had enormous problems!

Why don’t Titans play chess? They always knock over the board!

Why did the Titan get a job at the circus? He was naturally over the top!

Why don’t Titans use elevator? It’s hard to press the right buttons when you’re gigantic!

Why did the Titan refuse to play golf? He was always above par!

Why do Titans always carry a pen and paper? They love making large notes!

Why did the Titan take up painting? He wanted to create a massive impression!

Why was the Titan always the last to know the joke? The punchline took too long to reach up!

Why did the submarine blush? Because it saw the ship’s bottom!

Why don’t submarines use social media? They prefer to stay under the radar!

How do you host a party in a submarine? You have a deep-sea dive-in!

Why don’t submarines play hide and seek? Because they always get spotted when they come up for air!

Why did the submarine break up with its partner? It felt under pressure all the time!

Why did the chef quit his job on the submarine? He couldn’t handle the sub-tle flavors!

Why did the submarine flunk out of school? It kept sinking in its grades!

What’s a submarine’s favorite type of music? Sub-bass!

Why did the submarine apply for a job at the bakery? It wanted to knead dough under pressure!

What do you call a fight between two submarines? Sub-terfuge!

Why don’t we tell secrets at the office on Fridays? Because the walls have worked a full week and they are tired of office gossip too!

Why did the computer take its glasses off on Friday? Because it finally had 20/20 vision… it could see the weekend!

Why don’t we play hide and seek with Friday at work? Because good luck hiding when even the calendar says FRI-YAY!

Why did Friday get a promotion at work? Because it always shows up right on time, just when we need it the most!

Why is there no office party on Friday the 13th? Because we’re worried the photocopier might finally get its revenge!

Why did the pizza maker go broke? Because he just couldn’t make enough dough!

Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing and realized it wasn’t on a pizza!

What does a pizza say when it introduces itself to you? Slice to meet you!

Why did the pizza go to school? Because it wanted to be a pizza the pie chart!

What’s the difference between a pizza and my pizza jokes? My pizza jokes can’t be topped!

What do you call a person who doesn’t like pizza? A weir-dough!

Why do we never tell secrets around pizza? Because it’s all about the slice, slice baby!

What did the pepperoni say to the mozzarella? “You wanna pizza me?”

Why did the pizza go to the therapist? Because it had too many slices of life!

How do you fix a broken pizza? With tomato paste!

Why don’t Fridays get involved in politics? Because they’re always the end of the week!

Why did Friday bring a ladder to work? Because it’s always looking forward to the weekend!

Why did the calendar invite Friday for dinner? Because it’s always up-to-date!

What did Saturday say to Friday? “I’ve been waiting for you all week!”

Why was Friday so messy? Because it’s always letting loose!

Why did Friday go to the therapist? Because it always has to handle the end-of-week breakdowns!

Why is Friday the superhero of the week? Because it always saves the weekend!

Why don’t Fridays ever get lost? Because everyone is always looking forward to them!

Why did Friday get a ticket? Because it was always speeding towards the weekend!

What’s Friday’s favorite dish? The weekend special!

Why did the computer cross the road? To get to the binary side.

What do you call a computer superhero? A Screen Saver.

Why did the computer programmer quit her job? Because she didn’t get arrays.

What did the Java Code say to the C code? You’ve got no class.

A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep. A full one, in case he gets thirsty, and an empty one, in case he doesn’t.

Why do programmers prefer dark mode? Because light attracts bugs.

What’s the ultimate hide and seek champion? A variable.

What do you call a programmer who doesn’t understand recursion? Devoid of self-reference.

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. It’s a hardware problem.

Why did the computer spy get fired? She couldn’t hack it.

Why did the computer programmer’s girlfriend leave him? He had problems committing.

What do you call a group of computers that are always together? A LAN party.

Why did the website go to the hospital? It had a bad URL.

What do you call a computer that’s always tired? A CPU.

Why did the computer get so angry? Because it had a chip on its shoulder.

Why did the programmer quit her job? Because she didn’t get arrays.

What did the Java Code say to the C code? You’ve got no class.

A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep. A full one, in case he gets thirsty, and an empty one, in case he doesn’t.

Why do programmers prefer dark mode? Because light attracts bugs.

What’s the ultimate hide and seek champion? A variable.

What do you call a programmer who doesn’t understand recursion? Devoid of self-reference.

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. It’s a hardware problem.

Why did the computer spy get fired? She couldn’t hack it.

Why did the computer programmer’s girlfriend leave him? He had problems committing.

There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I’m not sure if I’m psychic, but I think I’m about to get laid.

I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy saving mode.

I’m not afraid of heights, I’m afraid of widths.

I’m not claustrophobic, but I do find small spaces a bit tight.

I’m not racist, but I do prefer my coffee black.

I’m not a procrastinator, I’m just a late bloomer.

I’m not a control freak, I just like things my way.

I’m not a pessimist, I’m just a realist with a bad attitude.

I’m not a bad cook, my food just has attitude.

Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.

Why did the thermometer go to jail?

Because it was under a false pretense.

Why did the snowman go to the hospital?

He had a bad case of frostbite.

Why did the sun go to the doctor?

Because it was feeling a little under the weather.

What do you call a thunderstorm that’s really loud?

A thunder-brag.

Why did the cloud feel down?

Because it was feeling overcast.

Why don’t we tell secrets at the office?

Because the walls have ears, the water cooler has a mouth, and the copy machine has seen it all!

Why did the snowflake apply for a job? It heard they were hiring “cool” people!

What do you call a scared sausage? A frightened frank!

Why does bread hate hot weather?

It makes them feel too toasty!

Why don’t we trust the ocean?

It’s too full of secrets!

Why did the egg go to school?

To get egg-ucated!

Why did the lemon stop rolling down the hill?

It ran out of juice!

Why didn’t the sun go to college?

Because it already had a million degrees!

Why did the clock go to school?

It needed to work on its “ticks”!

Why did the baker go to therapy?

Because he kneaded it!

Why don’t some animals play cards in the wild?
Too many cheetahs!

What do you call a fish without eyes?
Fsh!

Why did the scarecrow adopt a dog?
Because he needed a bark-crow!

Why don’t cats play poker in the jungle?
Too many cheetahs!

What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!

Why do birds not use Facebook?
Because they’re already on Twitter!

What’s a cat’s favorite color?
Purrr-ple!

Why did the dog sit in the shade?
Because he didn’t want to be a hot dog!

Why did the crab never share?
Because he’s shellfish!

What do you call a horse that lives next door?
A neigh-bor!

Why did the city slicker stare at the jug of orange juice?
Because it said ‘concentrate’!

Why don’t you want to borrow money from a leprechaun?
Because they’re always a little short!

Why did the potato go to the party?
Because it’s a spud-tacular dancer!

Why did the Irishman bring two pairs of pants to the golf course?
In case he got a hole in one!

What do you call an Irishman who keeps bouncing off walls?
Rick O’Shea (ricochet)!

Why did the Irish man put his money in the blender?
To make some liquid assets!

What do you call an Irish spider?
Paddy long legs!

Why was the Irish football team so bad?
Because every time they got a corner, they opened a pub!

Why did the Irish weather forecaster go to jail?
He was accused of tempering with the degrees!

Why did the Irishman bring a ladder to the bar?
He heard the drinks were on the house!

Why do Irish dogs have thin tails?
Because they wag them so fast they become a blur!

Why don’t doctors trust atoms?
Because they make up everything!

Why did the red blood cell get in trouble?
Because it couldn’t keep its vein!

Why did the DNA strand go to the party?
Because it wanted to pair up!

What do you call a doctor who fixes websites?
A URLologist!

Why was the skeleton always calm?
Nothing could get under his skin!

Why did the nurse carry a red pen?
In case she needed to draw blood!

Why was the microbiologist always feeling down?
Because he had low self (cell-f) esteem!

Why didn’t the neuron like to hang out with the muscle cell?
It thought the muscle was too contracted!

Why did the germ cross the microscope?
To get to the other slide!

What’s a pre-med student’s favorite type of tree?
Anatomy!

Why don’t chefs ever play hide and seek?
Because good luck hiding when your timer’s going off!

What did the tomato say to the knife?
“You’re not cutting it anymore!”

What did the refrigerator say to the salad?
“Lettuce chill!”

Why did the waffle never show up to the tennis match?
It was afraid of getting served!

What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Nacho cheese!

Why did the cookie cry?
Because his mom was a wafer too long!

Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field!…of corn, that is.

What’s a baker’s favorite type of tree?
A pastry!

Why don’t eggs tell each other jokes?
They crack up too easily!

What’s the most musical part of a chicken?
The drumstick!

Why don’t we ever let Tuesday brew coffee?

Because it always makes it a “brewsday” and that’s just a little too strong!

Why don’t actors play hide and seek?
Because good ones are always in the spotlight!

Why did the actor join the baseball team?
Because they know the script by heart, and they heard there’d be a lot of pitches!

Why did the actor sit on the clock?
Because they wanted to be on time for their role!

Why did the actor always carry a pen?
Because they might need to draw a scene!

Why did the actor bring a ladder to the bar?
Because they heard the drinks were on the house, and they always aim for the top!

How do actors stay cool?
Because they have so many fans!

Why did the pedestrian cross the road? Because he wanted to pick up his street cred!

Why did the street get lost? It took a wrong turn!

Why don’t streets ever play hide and seek? Because they always meet at the crossroads!

What do you call a street that sings? An Avenue Q!

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field, unlike the street that was just a concrete idea!

Why don’t rockets use social media?

Because they’re afraid of their plans getting blasted all over the internet!

Why don’t scientists ever trust atoms?

Because they make up everything, just like when I said I didn’t notice your beautiful smile right away!

Why don’t weekends ever wake up early?

Because they believe in resting their case!

Why did the weekend run a marathon?

Because it was tired of being only two days long and wanted to stretch itself out!

Why did the burger break up with the fries on the weekend?

Because it wanted to ketchup on some ‘light’ reading!

Why are weekends the messiest part of the week?

Because they’re always in the middle of a Sun-day and Satur-day cleaning!

Why did the weekend apply to be a weather forecaster?

Because it heard that its days are always either Saturday or Sun-day!

Why don’t gardeners ever take weekends off?

Because they can’t help but plant their time!

Why did the book about vasectomies not sell well?

Because it had too many cut-off points!

Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in the movie?

Because it was afraid of getting roasted in the reviews!

Why did the cookie go to the doctor?

Because it was feeling crumby!

Why don’t giraffes do well in school?

Because they always get stuck on the high questions!

Why did the fish refuse the glass of water at the party?

Because he said, “I can’t drink that, I might get thirsty!”

Why was the thesaurus always getting into trouble?

Because it was constantly taking things out of context and replacing them with synonyms!

Why don’t yellow teeth ever win at hide and seek?

Because they always stand out, even when they’re trying to blend in with the corn at a BBQ!

Why did the germ go to the comedy club?

Because it wanted to spread some “grosser than gross” jokes!

What did the ocean say to the beach?

Nothing, it just waved!

How did the shrimp make everyone laugh at the comedy club?

With its pun-ny shell-fie jokes!

Why did the fish blush?

Because it saw the ocean’s bottom!

What do you call a lobster that can’t stop telling jokes?

A hilarious crustacean!

How do you make an octopus laugh?

With ten-tickles!

What did the seal say to the clownfish?

You’re quite the joker, but I’ve got more flippin’ tricks up my fin!

Why did the whale never finish its comedy routine?

Because it always got too caught up in its tail!

What do you call a funny coral reef?

A hilarious coralreefer!

Why did the ocean break up with the pond?

Because it thought the pond was too shallow.

What did one raindrop say to the other?

Two’s company, three’s a cloud.

Why did the thunder break up with the rain?

Because it was tired of going out in storms.

Why don’t rains ever go to a concert?

Because they always get a pour reception.

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor’s kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. “Hey boy, whatcha got there?” “Roll of chicken wire.”
“What you gonna do with that?”

“Gonna catch some chickens.”

“You damn fool! You can’t catch chickens with chicken wire!” The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand. “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”

“Roll of duct tape.”

“What you gonna do with that?”

“Gonna catch me some ducks.”

“You damn fool! You can’t catch ducks with duct tape!”

The boy just laughs and keeps walking.That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. ”Hey boy, whatcha got there?”

“It’s a pussy willow.”

“Wait up…I’ll get my hat.”

A five year old boy was living with his mother, as his parents had divorced. One Sunday, she decided to take him to the zoo for the first time in his life. As they passed the various assortment of animals, she would tell the little boy what they were called and make him repeat it. After the lions, gorillas, giraffes and bears, they came upon the elephant exhibit.

“That’s an elephant”, the mother said.

After the child repeated after her, he asked, “Mommy? What’s that thing hanging down from the elephant?”

The mother replied, “That’s his trunk, sweetheart.”

“No, no”, said the child, “Behind that!”

“Oh, that’s his tail”, she said.

“No, no!” the boy exclaimed. “That thing in the middle!”

The woman was flustered and replied, “Uhhhh, that’s nothing, honey!” And they moved on…..

The next weekend, the boy’s father came to pick him up and the child cried, “Daddy, let’s go to the zoo! I learned all about the animals, and I want to show you what I learned!”

The father agreed, so off to the zoo they went. As they passed each cage, the child would shout out the name of the animal, and the father would praise him for being so smart. Finally, they arrived at the elephant cage, and the boy shouted, “Elephant!”

“Very GOOD”, beamed the father. “I’m proud of you for remembering all these animals!”

The boy asked, “Daddy? What’s that thing hanging down on the elephant?”

The father replied, “That’s his trunk.”

“No!”, the boy moaned, “Behind that!”

“That’s his tail”, the father replied.

“No, no! That thing in the middle!”

The father stammered, “Er…what did your mother say it was?”

“She said it was nothing!”

“Well”, the man said, puffing out his chest. “Your mother’s spoiled!”

For all of you with teenagers or who have had teenagers, or are a teenager, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats:

Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.
No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.
You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.
Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.
No cat or teenager shares you taste in music.
Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.
Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.
Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy — a sense of complete and utter boredom.
Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone’s furniture.
Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.
Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.

A woman went to the beach with her children. Her 4-year-old son ran up to her, grabbed her hand, and led her to the shore where a dead seagull lay in the sand.
“Mommy, what happened to him?” the little boy asked.

“He died and went to heaven,” she replied.

The child thought for a moment and said, “And God threw him back down?”

Sam and John were out cutting wood when John cut his arm off. Sam remained calm, wrapped the arm in a plastic bag, and took the arm and John to a surgeon.
“You are in luck,” said the surgeon. “I am an expert in re-attaching limbs. Come back in four hours when I have completed the operation.”
So Sam returned in four hours and the surgeon said, “I did it faster than I expected. Jon is down at the pub.”
Sam rushed down to the pub and was amazed to see John playing darts.

A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again when John accidentally cut off his leg. Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the same surgeon.
“Legs are harder,” said the surgeon, “but I’ll see what I can do, come back in six hours.” Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, “I finished early – John’s playing football.”
Sam went to the field and to his surprise found John kicking 50 meter torpedoes.

A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again, when John accidentally cut off his own head. Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon, confident that the skillful surgeon would do the job. “Gee, heads are really difficult to re-attach,” the surgeon muttered, “but I’ll see what I can do – come back in 12 hours.” Sam returned in 12 hours. “How did it go, Doc?” he asked.
“I’m sorry. John died,” the surgeon replied.
“He suffocated in the plastic bag, you idiot!”

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. He wore it under his shirt and it was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest class in the school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. The classroom became a bit unruly and he admonished them. This happened several times.

While working at his desk, the strong breeze from the window made his tie flap annoyingly. He kept rearranging and rearranging the tie as the class become more and more unmanageable.

Finally, becoming disgusted with the wayward tie, he stood up and took a big stapler off his desk and stapled the tie to his chest in several places.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth.

After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room. Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically. He managed to tell
them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking helped. His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended
to pull it from Sammy’s ear. Sammy was delighted.

In a flash, he snatched it from his father’s hand, swallowed it, then cheerfully demanded, “Do it again, Dad!”

One day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma’s kitchen.
“Well now, where’s my bucket and where’s my water?” Gramma asked him. “I can’t get any water from that water hole, Gramma” exclaimed Johnny. “There’s a BIG ol’ alligator down there!”
“Now don’t you mind that ol’ alligator, Johnny. He’s been there for a few years now, and he’s never hurt no one. Why, he’s probably as scared of you as you are of him!”
“Well, Gramma,” replied Johnny, “if he’s as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain’t fit to drink!”

Little Johnny brought a box wrapped with a red ribbon to school, as a present for his teacher. He handed it to her. She started to guess what was inside.
“Chocolates?” she asked.
“Nope.”
“A Cake?”
Johnny shook his head No. Then the teacher noticed some liquid dripping from the corner of the box.
She caught a few drops on her finger, put the finger in her mouth then said, “Ah, I know-dill pickles.”
“No,” Johnny said, “it’s a puppy.”

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, “Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?”
“I’m in love,” the boy replied. Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, “With whom?”
“With you,” he said. “But Johnny,” she said gently, “don’t you see how silly that is? It’s
true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don’t want a child.”
“Oh, don’t worry,” the boy said reassuringly, “I’ll use a rubber.”

Little Johnny and his father were walking down the street one day, and two ladies bumped into one another in front of them. The one lady looked at the other and slapped her across the face. “You bitch,” yelled the one lady. Stunned, the lady that was slapped yelled out, “You bag.” Little Johnny, never heard those words before, turns to his dad. “Dad, what are bags and bitches?”
“Oh, that’s just another name for women,” replied his dad. “Oh, okay,” said Johnny.
The two make it home and Little Johnny follows his dad up to the washroom to watch his daddy shave. While shaving, Little Johnny’s dad cuts himself. “Oh shit,” he said. “Daddy, what’s shit?” asked Little Johnny. “Oh, that’s just another name for shaving your self,” replied his
father. Bored, Little Johnny wanders downstairs to find his mother cooking a turkey. As his mother reached into the oven, she burnt her hand. “Fuck!” she yells.
“Mom, what’s fuck?” questionned Johnny.
“That’s just another word for cooking the turkey.”
“Oh, I get it,” said Johnny.
All of a sudden, the doorbell rings. “I’ll get it!” yells Johnny as he runs to the door. He then opened the door to find a group of old ladies standing outside.
“Hello young man. Are you parents home?” asked the front lady.
“Hello bags and bitches. My dad’s upstairs shitting himself and my mom’s downstairs fucking the turkey.”

One day the teacher wanted the class to use the word definately in a sentence. Suzy raised her hand so she called on her. She said, “The sky is definately blue!”
“I’m sorry Suzy thats wrong the sky sometimes turns different colors red ,gray etc.. any body else?”
Timmy raised his hand and said, “The grass is definately green.” “I’m sorry Timmy that’s not true either, sometimes the grass dies and it may turn brown, anybody else?”
Little Johnny raises his hand and says, “Teacher do farts have lumps?”
The teacher says, “no why?” Johnny says, “Then I definately Shit my pants!”

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow’s final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member’s death. One smart ass, male student said, “What about extreme sexual exhaustion?”, and the whole classroom burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, “Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write.”

An English teacher at Iowa State University spent a lot of time marking grammatical errors in her students’ written work. She wasn’t sure how much impact she was having until one overly busy day when she sat at her desk rubbing her temples.

A student asked, “What’s the matter, Ms. Dalton?”

“Tense,” she replied, describing her emotional state.

After a slight pause the student tried again, “What was the matter? What has been the matter? What might have been the matter…?”

“Mommy, my turtle is dead,” the little boy, Futh, sorrowfully told his mother, holding the turtle out to her in his hand.

The mother kissed him on the head, then said,” That’s all right.
We’ll wrap him in tissue paper, put him in a little box, then have a nice burial ceremony in the back yard. After that, we’ll go out for an ice cream soda, and then get you a new pet.

“Ice cream?” the little boy said, wiping his tears and smiling, “Oh! Boy!”

His mother said, “I don’t want you….” Her voice trailed off as she noticed the turtle move. “Futh, you’re turtle is not dead after all.”

“Oh,” the disappointed boy said. “Can I kill it?”

The kindergarten teacher was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on? He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn’t want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost whimpered when the little boy said, “Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.” She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on — this time on the right feet.

He then announced, “Teacher, these aren’t my boots.” She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, “Why didn’t you say so?” like she wanted to. So, once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off. He then said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me wear them.”

She didn’t know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said, “Now, where are your mittens?”

He said, “I stuffed them in the toes of my boots…”

One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children. The teacher asked a little boy:

TEACHER: Tommy do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.

TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yes.

TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.

TEACHER: Did you see God?
TOMMY: No.

TEACHER: That’s my point. We can’t see God because he isn’t there. He doesn’t exist.
A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions. The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy:

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yessssss (getting tired of the questions by this time).

LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?
TOMMY: Yesss

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?
TOMMY: Yes

LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?
TOMMY: No

LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school, she must not have one!

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn’t been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills.

The doctor says, “Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water.”

Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, “My goodness, doc, exactly what’s my problem?”

Doctor says, “You’re not drinking enough water.”

These are actual excuse notes from parents (Including original spelling)
Collected by Nisheeth Parekh University of Texas Medical Branch @ Galveston

My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don’t know what size she wear.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Sally won’t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks you’re stupid, stand up!”

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, “Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?”

“No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!”

When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for. Then he spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter.

“What are you doing?” his mom asked.

“The box says you can’t eat them if the seal is broken,” the boy explained. “I’m looking for the seal.”

SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.

A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out on the water, the boy suddenly became curious about things in general and started asking all sorts of questions. He asked his father, “Why does the boat float? The father replied, “Don’t rightly know son.” A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, “How do fish breath underwater?” Once again the father replied, “Don’t rightly know son.” A little later the boy asked his father, “Why is the sky blue?” Again, the father repied. “Don’t rightly know son.” Finally, the boy asked his father, “Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?” The father replied, “Of course not, if you don’t ask questions, you never learn nothin’.”

About a year ago my sister, who lives in Virginia, was talking with her four year old son, Brent. He was asking her why all their relatives from Wisconsin talk funny and sound like their noses are plugged up.

“They think we have an accent,” she replied.

“But they have an accent, right?”, Brent asked. “They talk funny?”

“Everybody talks in different ways” she tried to explain. “To them, we sound like we talk very slow and all our words are d-r-a-w-n out.”

His eyes got big, and he whispered seriously, “Oh, no. You mean they hear funny too?”

A little boy was sitting on her grandfather’s lap as he read him a goodnight story. From time to time, he would take his eyes off the book and reach up to touch his Grandfather’s wrinkled cheek. He was alternately stroking his own cheek, then his Grandfather’s again. Finally he spoke, “Grandpa, did God make you?”
“Yes, sonny,” he answered, “God made me a long time ago.”

“Oh,” he said, “Grandpa, did God make me too?”

“Yes, indeed, honey,” he answered, “God made you just a little while ago.”

Feeling their respective faces again, he observed, “God’s getting better at it, isn’t he?”

A mother took her little boy to church.
While in church the little boy said, “Mommy, I have to pee.”

The mother said to the little boy, “It’s not appropriate to say the word ‘pee’ in church. So, from now on whenever you have to ‘pee’ just tell me that you have to ‘whisper’.”

The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, “Daddy, I have to whisper.”

The Father looked at him and said, “Okay, why don’t you whisper in my ear.”

Every time Peter’s mother invited her lover to their home, she put Peter in the closet. One day her husband came home early, so her lover quickly hid in the closet with the boy.
“Hey, mister,” Peter said, “it’s kinda dark in here, isn’t it?”

“Why, yes, as a matter of fact it is.”

“Hey, you wouldn’t want to buy my old baseball, would you? My dad just bought me a new one.”

“No, you don’t really need baseballs in my line of work.”

“If you don’t buy my baseball,” Peter said, “I’ll tell my dad where you are.”

“All right, all right,” the lover groaned, “I’ll buy your damn baseball. How much is it?”

“Fifty dollars.”

The man didn’t want to pay fifty dollars for a baseball, but he decided he had no other choice. The boy figured he was on a roll, so he asked, “Hey, mister, you want to buy my glove?”

The lover didn’t even bother arguing: “How much?”

“A hundred dollars!” The man had just finished paying up when the woman opened the door and said the coast was clear.

The next Sunday, the boy went to confession because he felt guilty for having conned his mother’s lover out of a hundred and fifty bucks. “Hey, mister,” he said, climbing into the confessional, “it’s kinda dark in here, isn’t it?”

The voice groaned, “Not you again!”

At a picnic for a Catholic school, the Mother Superior stacked a pile of apples on one end of a table with a sign saying:
“Take only one apple please — remember, God is watching.”

At the other end of the table, there was a large pile of delicious chocolate cookies, on which a third grade student had placed a sign saying:

“Take all the cookies you want — God is watching the apples.”

Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off of a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog’s collar and twists, breaking the dog’s neck.

A reporter strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

“Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal,” he writes in his notebook.

“But I’m not a Giants fan,” the little hero replies.

“Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were,” says the reporter.

“Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack,” he writes in his notebook.

“I’m not a Jets fan either,” the boy says.

“I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?” the reporter asks.

“I’m a Cowboys fan,” the child says.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, “Little Redneck Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet”.

A reverend was walking in a big city park, when he saw a perfect scene: a blonde-haired blue-eyed little girl playing with her golden retriever.
“Hello, little girl,” he said. “What’s your name?”

“My name is Blossom. My mommy was sitting under this very tree when she was pregnant with me, when an apple blossom fell on her tummy. She said that it was a sign from God, and if it was a girl, she would name her Blossom.”

”That’s a really sweet story,” the reverend replied. “What’s your dog’s name?”

“Porky.”

“That’s an unusual name for a dog. Why is he called that?”

“He fucks pigs.”

A little kid climbed onto a city bus and sat right behind the driver. The little kid started yelling, “If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I’d be a little bull.”

The driver started getting mad at the noisy kid, who continued with, “If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.”

The kid went on with several animals until the bus driver got angry and yelled at the kid, “What if your dad was a serial killer and your mom was a prostitute?!”

The kid smiled and said, “Then I would be a bus driver!

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her, “No.” The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, “Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through – don’t be upset. It won’t be long now.”

Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn’t have any, she began to cry. The mother said, “There, there, Monica, don’t cry – only two more aisles to go and then we’ll be checking out.”

When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there’d be no gum purchased. The mother said serenely, “Monica, we’ll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap.”

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. “I couldn’t help noticing how patient you were with little Monica,” he began.

The mother replied, “I’m Monica – my little girl’s name is Tammy.”

A young teenaged girl of no particular hair-color or intelligence is discussing the facts of life with her mother.
“Is it true that babies come out where boys put their… you know…?”
“That’s right hon..”
“OW! Wouldn’t that hurt?!”
“A little, but it’s a beatiful thing dear.”
“No! I mean, wont the baby knock all my teeth out?”

One day at the end of class, little Johnny’s teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.
Little Suzy raises her hand. “My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road.”

When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, “Don’t keep all your eggs in one basket.”

Little Lucy went next. “My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched.”

Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.

Lucy replied, “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch.”

Next up was little Johnny. “My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands.”

The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.

“Well,” Johnny replied, “Don’t fuck with Uncle Ted when he’s been drinking.”

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.

His dad thought for a while and answered, “Look at it this way: I’m the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.”

“I still don’t get it” responded the Little Johnny.

“Why don’t you sleep on it then? Maybe you’ll understand it better,” said the dad.

“Okay then…good night” said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother’s crying. He went to his baby brother’s crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent’s room to get help. When he got to his parent’s bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn’t there. So he went to the maid’s room. When he looked through the maid’s room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, “OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of shit!”

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal his mother couldn’t help noticing how beautiful John’s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom’s thoughts, John volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates.”

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful grey nightrobe. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?”

John said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure.”

So, he sat down and wrote, “Dear Mother, I’m not saying you ‘did’ take a grey nightrobe from my house, and I’m not saying you ‘did not’ take a grey nightrobe. But, the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.”

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: “Dear Son, I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Julie, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with Julie. But, the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the grey nightrobe by now.

Love, Mom.

A man walks into a bar and orders one beer.

Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another beer.

After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another beer.

The bartender is curious and askes him “every time you order a beer, you look in your shirt pocket. Why?”

The man replies, “I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home.”

An executive was in quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, either Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.

Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take a couple of aspirins and the executive approached her and said, “Debra, I’ve never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off.”

Debra replied, “Could you please jack off? I have a terrible headache.”

A bank manager was interviewing four very different applicants from his short list for the position of clerical. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, “What is two and two?” The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was “Twenty-two.” The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001. The next person was a lawyer.

He stated that in the case of Jenkins v Cromwell two and two was proven to be four. The last applicant was an accountant. When the bank manager asked him, “How much is two and two?”, the accountant got up from his chair, went over and closed the door. He came back, sat down, leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, “How much do you want it to be?” He got the job.

A Federal Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what’s in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. “This will look nice on my mantelpiece,” he decides, and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. “I wish for an ice cold Coke right now!”

He gets his Coke and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. “I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside.” Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish: “I wish I’d never have to work ever again.” POOF! He’s back in his government office.

An employee walks into the office of his boss and says “What is the meaning of this. I have been paid $200 less than what was decided upon.”

The boss replies “I know about it, but you did not complain when we paid $200 extra by mistake last month.

“Yeah, I can bear with occasional mistakes but when you make it a habit I think I need to report”

“I simply want a raise in my salary”, says an employee to his boss “There are two more companies after me.”

The boss says”Oh, I see there are two more companies after you. May I please have the pleaseure of knowing the names of these companies.”

Pleadingly the employee replies” the electric company and the telephone company”.

An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning).

After the test, the manager says, “You will be employed at minimum wage, $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day.

Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies, “Well, then, that means that you virtually don’t exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed.

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25 lb flat of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night.

And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly.

After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pickuptruck to support his expanding business. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pickup trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.

Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned, “What, you don’t have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the internet from the very start!”

After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied, “Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!”

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, “Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work.”

The boss says, “You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I can go to work. You should try that.”

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: “Boss, I do what you say and feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house.”

As salesman was assigned to secure an important client but failed in his mission. He faxed his secretary and asked her to break the news indirectly to his boss.

His note read, “Failed in securing client, prepare the boss.”

He received the following fax from his secretary: “The boss is prepared… prepare yourself.”

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer who was fresh out of MIT, “What starting salary were you thinking about?”

The Engineer said, “In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The interviewer said, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years – say, a red Corvette?”

The Engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow! Are you kidding?” The interviewer replied, “Yeah, but you started it”.

Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director’s office.

“What is the meaning of this?” the director asked. “When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you’ve ever held.”

“Well,” the young man replied, “in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination.”

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.

“I need someone with an accounting degree,” the man said. “But mainly, I’m looking for someone to do my worrying for me.”

“Excuse me?” the accountant said.

“I worry about a lot of things,” the man said. “But I don’t want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back.”

“I see,” the accountant said. “And how much does the job pay?”

“I’ll start you at eighty thousand.”

“Eighty thousand dollars!” the accountant exclaimed. “How can such a small business afford a sum like that?”

“That,” the owner said, “is your first worry.”

A Economist opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

“Officer, look what they’vedone to my Beeeeemer!” he whined.” You Economist’s are so materialistic, you make me sick!” retorted the officer. “You’re so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off!””Oh my God,” replied the Economist, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was. “Where’s my Rolex?!?”

Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are helping out on a project. About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says “Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant
you each one wish.”
The hardware engineer went first. “I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries.” The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.

The software engineer went next. “I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries.” The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.

Last, but not least, it was the project manager’s turn. “And what would your wish be?” asked the genie.

“I want them both back after lunch” replied the project manager.

Once Salman Khan, Sharukh khan and Aamir Khan died and all of them went to hell. After a few days Hrithik Roshan went to pay a visit to hell to meet them. First he went to Salman. He saw that Salman was with a girl with one eye, one leg, no nose. Hrithik was surprised to see this, he asked god why did u punish Salman like this.. God said that he had commited a lot of sins.

Then he went to Aamir, he also had the same kind of girl. Again Hrithik asked the same question and God also gave he same answer back. In the end he went to Sharukh and was surprised to see that Sharuk Khan was with Cindy Crawford. He asked God that why did he gave Cindy to him, God replied, ‘ Cindy committed a lot of sins.’

One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke.

The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment. “Gentlemen,” he began, “I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we’re about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!” With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane. Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. “Gentlemen,” he said, “I am the world’s greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world’s greatest athlete should have a parachute!” With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.

Bill Gates rose and said, “Gentlemen, I am the world’s smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world’s smartest man should have a parachute, too.” He grabbed one, and out he jumped. The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. “My son,” he said, “I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane.” The hippie smiled slowly and said, “Hey, don’t worry, pop. The world’s smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack.

There are three engineers in a car, an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineeer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, “Why don`t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it`ll work !?”

Bill Gates died in an accident involving a misguided pie which was thrown at him by an angry Macintosh protester. Because of his achievements in life, it was decided that he should go to heaven.

God Personally showed Bill around heaven, displaying the Waterfalls, Great Forests, Lagoon’s and Wet-T-shirt contests that are held regularly. Bill was impressed by all of them and kept nodding his head in approval, which pleased God because he enjoyed pleasing others.

When they finished the tour, God took Bill into his Throne room and sat down on the blindingly shiny throne. God asked Bill how he had enjoyed heaven so far, and Bill replied;

“It’s been great, but you’re in my chair.”

Never marry a software engineer. Just have a look at this conversation and then decide Yourself.

Husband – hey dear, I am logged in.

Wife – would you like to have some snacks? Husband – hard disk full.

Wife – have you brought the saree. Husband – Bad command or file name.

Wife – but I told you about it in morning Husband – erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.

Wife – Oh God !forget it where’s your salary. Husband – file in use, read only, try after some time.

Wife – at least give me your credit card, i can do some shopping. Husband – sharing violation, access denied.

Wife – I made a mistake in marrying you. Husband – data type mismatch.

Wife – you are useless. Husband – by default.

Wife – who was there with you in the car this morning? Husband – system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to Reboot.

Wife – what is the relation between you & your Receptionist? Husband – the only user with write permission.

Wife – what is my value in your life? Husband – unknown virus detected.

Wife – do you love me or your computer? Husband – Too many parameters.

Wife – I will go to my dad’s house. Husband – program performed illegal operation, it will Close.

Wife – I will leave you forever. Husband – close all programs and log out for another User.

Wife – it is worthless talking to you. Husband – shut down the computer.

Wife – I am going Husband – Its now safe to turn off your computer.

One day Bill complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor.” His friend offered, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor.” “Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.” Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:

You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy lifting.
It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.

Your dog has worms.
Get him vitamins.

Your daughter is using cocaine.
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

Your wife is pregnant with twin girls.
They aren’t yours.
Get a lawyer.

And if you don’t stop jerking off, your
tennis elbow will never get better.

** Times have changed **

25 years Ago… A program was a television show

An application was for employment

Windows were something you hated to clean

A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano

Memory was something you lost with age

Compress was something you did to garbage

A hard drive was a long trip on the road

Log on was adding wood to a fire

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

Cut you did with scissors

My husband and I are both in an Internet business, but he’s the one who truly lives, eat, and breathes computers.

I finally realized how bad it had gotten when I was scratching his back one day.

“No, not there,” he directed. “Scroll down…”

A man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. Hearing the scream, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

“Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress. The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered. The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems. The computer scientist says “It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. My wife thinks I’m with my mistress. My mistress thinks I’m home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!”

There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession.

Two friends John and Dave were two huge cricket fans. Their entire lives, John and Dave talked cricket . They went to 60 games a year.

They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was cricket in heaven.

One night, John passed away in his sleep after watching the British victory earlier in the evening. He died happy.

A few nights later, his buddy Dave awoke to the sound of John’s voice from beyond.

“John is that you?” Dave asked.

“Yes, it’s me,” John replied.

“This is unbelievable” Dave exclaimed. ” So tell me, is there cricket in heaven?”

“Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?”

“Tell me the good news first.”

“Well, the good news is that yes there is cricket in heaven.”

“Oh, that is wonderful, So what is the bad news?”

“You’re opener tomorrow morning .”

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said: “That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.” In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

“The bus driver insulted me,” she fumed.

The man sympathized and said “Why, he’s a public servant and shouldn’t say things to insult passengers.”

“You’re right,” she said. “I think I’ll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.”

“That’s a good idea,” the man said. “Here, let me hold your monkey.

Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed
baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They
even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven. One summer
night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening.

He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob’s voice from beyond. “Bob is that you?” Earl
asked.

“Of course it me,” Bob replied.

“This is unbelievable!” Earl exclaimed. “So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?”

“Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?”

“Tell me the good news first.”

“Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Earl.”

“Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?”

“You’re pitching tomorrow night.”

A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out
of the bushes.

Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden
was hot on his heels.

After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game
Warden finally caught up to him.

“Let’s see your fishing license, Boy!” the Warden gasped.

With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.

“Well, son,” said the Game Warden. “You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don’t have to run from me if you have a
valid license!”

“Yes, sir,” replied the young guy. “But my friend back there, well, he don’t have one.”

A wife returning from a fishing trip with her husband was telling her troubles to a neighbor. “I did everything all wrong again today,” she said.

“I talked too loud, I used the wrong bait, I reeled in too soon, and I caught more than he did.”

A policeman sent his wife and kid to a resort for a vacation. After a week he joined them in the hotel. As soon as he came to the hotel room he wanted to make love to his wife.
– No darling, we can’t do it here, our kid is watching us.
– You are right, lets go to the beach.
After a while, they start to make love on an empty beach. All of a sudden, a policeman walks in on them.
– Put your cloths on immediately, shame on you, you can’t do that in public.
– You are right – said the husband – but I had a moment of weakness. We didn’t see each other for a week. By the way, I am a policeman too and it would be very embarrassing if you fine me.
– Don’t worry, you are a colleague and it is your first time. But this is the third time I caught this bitch making love on this beach in the last week and she will have to pay for it.

On a narrow mountain road a man sees a police car driving uphill backwards.
– Hi guys. Why are you driving backwards?
– Because we are not sure that we will find a place to make a u-turn on the top of the mountain.
After one hour the same man sees the same police car driving downhill backwards again.
– But guys, why are you driving backwards again?
– We found a place to make a u-turn up there.

Two policemen are in a patrol car:
– Could you check if the turn signals work on your side of the car?
The other policeman looks through the window and says:
– Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no…

– Santa Claus, one smart and one stupid policeman are walking together when they spot a hundred dollars on the ground. Who will take the money?
– ???
– The stupid policeman, since Santa Claus and the smart policeman don’t exist.

A policeman comes to the office with one black shoe and one white shoe. His boss starts to yell at him:
– You are ruining police reputation, go home and change the shoes.
The policeman goes home, and comes back after a while.
– Boss I have a problem, the other pair of shoes at home are black and white, too.

Two policemen are going to work:
– Shall we take a bus or walk?
– Well, lets see what arrives first.

Jane had been driving 16 hours straight and was still at least six hours away from her destination. It was almost eight
o’clock in the morning and she was very tired.

After dozing off and nearly crashing into a telephone pole, she decided to pull onto a side road and rest.

Jane turned off the car and closed her eyes… drifting off to sleep, precious sleep…

When an old man in a bright blue jogging suit knocked on her window, scaring her half to death.

“Sorry to wake you,” he huffed, jogging in place. “But can you tell me what time it is?”

Jane glanced at her watch. “8:15,” she said through the glass.

The old man thanked her, then left.

“Just my luck,” she muttered. “I’m parked on someone’s jogging route.”

With a sigh, she settled back into her seat and tried to fall asleep.

Two male joggers in their thirties knocked on her window. If she hadn’t been dead tired, she would have found them cute. Now,
they were just annoying.

“Hi,” the blond jogger said.

“Do you have the time?” his brown-haired friend asked.

Jane sighed and looked at her watch. “8:19,” she said.

“Thanks,” they said, then jogged off.

Jane looked down the road and saw more joggers coming her way. Irritated, she retrieved a pen from the glove box and scrawled
‘I DO NOT KNOW THE TIME’ on the back of a magazine. She put the hastily constructed sign in the window and settled back to
sleep.

A thin, pale jogger knocked on the window just as she started dozing off.

Jane pointed at the sign and shouted, “Can’t you read?”

To which he replied, “Sure I can, ma’am. I just wanted to let you know: It’s 8:27.”

Why did the college math book look so sad? It had too many problems to solve and not enough solutions!

Why did the college student become a vegetarian? The dining hall’s mysterious meat options left them feeling like they were majoring in “culinary confusion”!

What did the professor say to the students before surprising them with a pop quiz? “I hope you’ve all studied ‘lecture’ricity because this will be a shocking experience!”

Why did the college student bring a coffee maker to class? They believed in the power of multitasking—taking notes and brewing coffee simultaneously!

Why did the study group have trouble focusing on their assignments? They were too busy forming a band called “The Procrastinotes”!

Why did the meteorologist bring a bag of ice to the studio? They wanted to ensure their weather forecast was on the “cool” side!

Why did the news anchor bring a ladder to work? They wanted to reach new heights when it came to reporting “breaking” news!

Did you hear about the newspaper headline that became a comedian? It had everyone in stitches with its clever wordplay!

Why did the teacher wear sunglasses in the classroom? Because their students were so bright!

Why did the student bring a ladder to school? Because they heard high school has a lot of “ups” and “downs”!

Why did the math book look surprised during the test? Because it couldn’t believe all the problems it had to solve!

Why did the mineral file a complaint? It felt like it was being taken for granite!

What did the volcano say to the geologist? “I lava good conversation!”

Why did the geologist bring a drum set to the rock concert? Because he wanted to feel the sedimental rhythm!

What did the snooze button say to the person who kept pressing it? “You can’t sleep on the job—time to rise and shine!”

How do you know when you’ve had too much coffee in the morning? When your espresso machine sends you a thank-you card!

Why did the alarm clock start singing the blues? It just couldn’t handle all the early morning gigs!

What did the robot barber say to the customer? “I promise you a cutting-edge haircut that’s guaranteed to give you a byte of style!”

Why did the smartphone become a detective? It had a knack for cracking cases with its top-notch apps and sleuthing skills!

What did the WiFi signal say to the frustrated user? “Don’t worry, I’m just having a byte of a connection hiccup!”

How did the hungry gardener satisfy his cravings? He decided to “graze” the vegetable patch for a fresh and tasty treat!

Why was the cookie so grumpy? It needed a good snack to crumble its bad mood!

What did the pizza say to the chef? “I’m feeling saucy and crusty, so bring on the toppings!”

What do you get when you cross a joke-loving ant and a picnic basket? A hum-ant and a feast of laughter!

Why did the ant enroll in dance classes? It wanted to learn some ant-steps!

What do you call ants who run marathons? Endurance insects!

What did the wise owl say to his friends during a stormy night? “Owl be there for you, through thick and thin!”

Why did the statue need a tissue? Because it had a marble-ous case of the sneezes!

Why did the musical penguin bring his own instrument to the concert? Because he didn’t want to be caught winging it!

Q: Why didn’t the shark eat the clown?
A: Because he tasted funny!

Q: What did Tennessee?
A: The same thing that Arkansas!

Q: What do cats like to eat?
A: Mice cream!

Q: How many months have 28 days?
A: All of them!

Why was the belt arrested at the supermarket? It was holding up a pair of pants!

Why was the computer cold at the store? It left its Windows open!

Why don’t we ever tell secrets when we go shopping? Because the bags always spill the beans!

Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer? Because he was Haydn!

Why are fish easy to know? Because they can’t keep any secrets, they always drop a line!

Why don’t birds use Facebook? They already tweet enough!

Why don’t oysters donate to charity? Because they are shellfish!

Why was the robot on a diet? He had too many bytes!

Why don’t turtles use smartphones? Because they’re afraid of shell-shock!

What cheese is made backward? Edam!

Why don’t ducks tell secrets? Because they’re afraid of quack-ing up!

Why don’t you ever play hide and seek with mountains? Because they always peak!

Why don’t cats play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs!

Why didn’t the sun go to college? Because it already had a million degrees!

Why do leprechauns never take selfies? They can never find their perfect angle – they’re always looking for their best side: the gold side!

What do you call a leprechaun’s favorite weather phenomenon? A “Paddy-cake” – it’s a rainbow that appears right after a light Irish drizzle!

Why did the leprechaun go to therapy? He was feeling torn between sharing his pot of gold and keeping it all to himself!

Why did the leprechaun become an acrobat? He wanted to practice balancing on the Blarney Stone without accidentally giving anyone the gift of gab!

What kind of music do leprechauns love? Shamrock ‘n’ roll!

How do you know when an Irish jig is extra tricky? When even the shamrocks get tangled up in their own dance steps!

Why did the leprechaun bring a ladder to the garden? He heard the potatoes were outstanding in their field, and he wanted to take a peek!

What did the mischievous leprechaun say when caught stealing chocolate coins? “I’m just a little lep-re-corn!”

Why was the leprechaun jealous of the traffic light? Because it gets to stop on red and go on green, while he’s stuck wearing green all the time!

Why did the leprechaun get in trouble with his cereal? He accidentally mixed up his Lucky Charms with his pot of gold, and now he’s searching for marshmallows at the end of the rainbow!

How do you fit a pope into a Volkswagen?

Take off his hat!

Why does Sleet win so many arguments against Rain?
Because it always gets the last freeze!

What did the hurricane say to the other hurricane?
I have my eye on you!

Why don’t clouds like to go to school?
Because they can’t keep their attention from drifting!

How do you make a double bass sound in tune?
Chop it up and make it into a xylophone.

Why did the music note go to school?
Because it wanted to improve its compositions.

How do you know a drummer is at your door?
The knocking speeds up and he doesn’t know when to come in.

Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.

Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
Because he was Haydn.

Yo Daddy so clumsy, he tried to play catch and missed the ground.

Yo Daddy so technologically challenged, he sat on the TV and watched the couch.

Yo Daddy so uncool, when he tried to join a snowball fight, the snow melted out of sympathy.

Why did the tomato turn red at the salsa club?

Because it saw the salad dressing!

Why was the musician always being asked to dance at parties?

Because he had the best “jazz” hands!

Why was the robot a great breakdancer?

Because it had all the right moves, but zero emotions!

Why don’t programmers like the tango?

They hate bugs in their code and bugs in their steps!

Why did the scarecrow win a dance competition?

Because he was outstanding in his field!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Lemon.
Lemon who?
Lemon know when you’re ready to hear another joke!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Sausage.
Sausage who?
Sausage a nice place you have here!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up and answer the door!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Oh, don’t cry, it’s just a joke.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Pasta.
Pasta who?
Pasta sauce, I’m getting hungry!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in, it’s cold out here!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you and I miss you.

Knock, Knock!
Who’s there?
Voodoo.
Voodoo who?
Voodoo you think you are?

Knock, Knock!
Who’s there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you don’t let me in!

Which sea creature can add up?
An octoplus.

Mother: Do you know a girl named Betty Jones?
Daughter: Yes, she sleeps next to me in math.

“Fred,” said the weary math teacher, “if you had seven dollars in your pocket, and seven dollars in another pocket, what would you have?”
“Someone else’s trousers!”

Girl: Mom, you know you’re always worried about me failing math?
Mother: Yes.
Girl: Well, your worries are over.

The math teacher and the English teacher went out for a quick pizza after school.
“How long will the pizzas be?” asked the math teacher.
“Sorry, sir,” replied the waiter, “we don’t do long pizzas, just ordinary round ones.”

Teacher: Fred, can you tell me what aftermath means?
Fred: Yes, sir! The lesson that follows arithmetic.

In the summer vacation the math teacher collected information for a national opinion poll. But after a week she was fired. Her vital statistics were wrong.

What’s black and white and horrible?
A math examination paper.

Did you hear about the math teacher who fainted in class?
Everyone tried to bring her 2.

A blind rabbit and a blind snake ran into each other on the road one day. The snake reached out, touched the rabbit and said, “You’re soft and fuzzy and have floppy ears. You must be a rabbit.” The rabbit reached out, touched the snake and said “You’re slimy, beady-eyed and low to the ground. You must be a math teacher.”

A butler came running into his important master’s office.
“Sir, sir, there’s a ghost in the corridor. What shall I do with him?” Without looking up from his work the master said, “Tell him I can’t see him.”

Where is Dracula’s American office?
The Vampire State Building.

The new office-boy came into his boss’s office and said, “I think you’re wanted on the phone, sir.”
“What d’you mean, you think?” demanded the boss.
“Well, sir, the phone rang, I answered it and a voice said ‘is that you, you old fool?”

Q: How do you keep a programmer in the shower all day?
A: Give him a bottle of shampoo which says “lather, rinse, repeat.”

When a guy’s printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer’s manual and trying the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, “Does your boss know that you discourage business?”

“Actually, it is my boss’s idea,” the employee replied sheepishly. “We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first.”

Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute shopping done.

I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas season right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy. I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the mall entrance.

As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12 years old.

He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night’s chill.

Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand. Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong. He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and four sisters. His father had died when he was nine years old.His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to support her large family.

Nevertheless, she had managed to skimp and save two hundred dollars to buy her children Christmas presents. The young boy had been dropped off, by his mother, on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred dollar bills and disappeared into the night.

“Why didn’t you scream for help?” I asked.

The boy said, “I did.”

“And nobody came to help you?” I wondered.

The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head.

“How loud did you scream?” I inquired.

The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, “Help me!”

I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help. So I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car.

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs, “I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE. I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO. I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR…”

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, “Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn’t deaf.” To which the little brother replied, “No, but Gramma is!”

Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)^2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x].

Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules. Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.

Q: What do you get when you cross a sherpa and a mountain goat?
A: Nothing. you can’t cross two scalars.

Q: Did you hear that joke about the infinite line?
A: Don’t worry, It doesn’t have a point!

Q: Why did the two vectors start an internet-based company?
A: Because they thought they had a good dot product.

Q: Why did the number get mad at his wife?
A: Because she was being irrational.

A promising PhD candidate was presenting his thesis at his final examination. He proceeded with a derivation and ended up with something like:

F = -MA

He was embarrassed, his supervising professor was embarrassed, and the rest of the committee was embarrassed. The student coughed nervously and said “I seem to have made a slight error back there somewhere.”

One of the mathematicians on the committee replied dryly, “Either that or an odd number of them!”

A shoeseller meets a mathematician and complains that he does not know what size shoes to buy.  “No problem,” says the mathematician, “there is a simple equation for that,” and he shows him the Gaussian normal distribution.  The shoeseller stares some time at het equation and asks, “What is that symbol?” “That is the Greek letter pi.”  “What is pi?” “That is the ratio between the circumference and the diameter of a circle.”  Upon this the shoeseller cries out: “What does a circle have to do with shoes?!”

– Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
– Form a loose grip.
– Keep your head down.
– Avoid a quick back swing.
– Stay out of the water.
– Try not to hit anyone.
– If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
– Don’t stand directly in front of others.
– Quiet please…Others are preparing to go.
– Don’t take extra strokes.

Fairway: An unfamiliar track of closely mowed grass running from the tee to the green. Where your ball is usually found immediately to the left or right of it and in most case no where near it.

Golf: A 5 mile walk punctuated with disappointments.

Oxymoron: An easy par-3.

Practice Tee: A place where golfers go to convert a nasty hook into a wicked slice.

Mulligan: Invented by an Irishman who wanted to hit one more 60-yard worm burner.

Golf Balls: See also, water magnets…

Four married guys go golfing.While playing the course, the following conversation took place:

1st Guy: “You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.”

2nd Guy: “That’s nothing, I had to promise my wife I will build a new deck for the pool.”

3rd Guy: “Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife I will remodel the kitchen for her.

They continued to play when they realized that the 4th guy hadn’t said anything. So they asked him, “You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What’s the deal?”

4th guy: I just set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. and when it went off, I shut off the alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, “golf course or intercourse?” And she said, “Wear your sweater”.

A couple playing in the annual “Husband & Wife Club Championship”. They are playing in a play-off hole and it is down to a 6 inch putt that the wife has to make. She takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling. She putts and misses, they lose the match. On the way home in the car her husband is fuming.

“I can’t believe you missed that putt! That putt was no longer than my ‘willy’.” The wife just looked over at her husband and smiled and said, “Yes dear, but it was much harder.”

There was this guy who went golfing every Saturday, it didn’t matter what kind of weather it was. One Saturday he left the house early and headed for the golf course, but it was so bitter cold that he decided that he wouldn’t golf that day and went back home.

His wife was still in bed when he got there, so he took off his clothes and snuggled up to his wife and said “Terrible weather out there.” She replied, “Yeah, can you believe my stupid husband
went golfing.”

Why don’t marketers play hide and seek?

Because good luck hiding when you’re always trying to be noticed!

Why did the marketer get kicked off the trampoline?

Because he had too many bounces!

Why don’t dolphins like talking to the ocean?

Because it always waves off their concerns!

Why did the ocean break up with the pond?

Because it heard there were other fish in the sea who knew how to carry a tune!

Why did the beach blush?

Because the sea waved!

Why was the sand nervous?

Because the sea weed!

Why did the ocean go to school?

Because it wanted to improve its current knowledge!

Why don’t oceans ever get lost?

Because they always follow the tide!

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn’t improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, “When a musician just can’t handle his instrument and doesn’t improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer.”

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: “And if he can’t handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor.”

Casual Fridays:

Week 1 – Memo No. 1

Effective this week, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day. Employees are free to dress in the casual attire of their choice.

Week 3 – Memo No. 2

Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.

Week 6 – Memo No. 3

Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday’s wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.

Week 8 – Memo No. 4

A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. A fashion show will follow. Attendance is mandatory.

Week 9 – Memo No. 5

As an outgrowth of Friday’s seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper casual-day dress.

Week 14 – Memo No. 6

The Casual Day Task Force has now completed a 30-page manual entitled “Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards.” A copy has been distributed to every employee. Please review the chapter “You Are What You Wear” and consult the “home casual” versus “business casual” checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.

Week 18 – Memo No. 7

Our Employee Assistant Plan (EAP) has now been expanded to provide support for psychological counseling for employees who may be having difficulty adjusting to Casual Day.

Week 20 – Memo No. 8

Due to budget cuts in the HR Department we are no longer able to effectively support or manage Casual Day. Casual Day will be discontinued, effective immediately.

Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfires and burnt my knob off.

This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk? Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny color and not fit to drink.

Would you please send a man to repair my downspout? I am an old-age pensioner and need it straight away.

Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.

When the workmen were here, they put their tools in my wife’s new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.

What does your profession say about you?

1. MARKETING – You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

2. SALES – Laziest of all signs, often referred to as “marketing without a degree.” You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can “concentrate on the big picture.” You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

3. TECHNOLOGY – Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don’t understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.

4. ENGINEERING – One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest “ergo dynamic” gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your “carpal tunnel syndrome.”

5. ACCOUNTING – The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

6. HUMAN RESOURCES – Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.

7. MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT – Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other “Middle Managers” as everyone in you social circle is a “Middle Manager.”

8. SENIOR MANAGEMENT – (See above – Same sign, different title)

9. CUSTOMER SERVICE – Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play “Customer Service.” Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.

10. CONSULTANT – Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your “skills” are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.

11. RECRUITER, “HEADHUNTER” – As a “person” that profits from the success of others, you are disdained by most people who actually work for a living. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.

12. PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO – You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter.

13. GOVERNMENT WORKER – Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job… Thus the term “GO POSTAL”

How careers end…

Lawyers are disbarred.

Ministers are defrocked.

Electricians are delighted.

Far Eastern diplomats are disoriented.

Drunks are distilled.

Alpine climbers are dismounted.

Piano tuners are unstrung.

Orchestra leaders are disbanded.

Artists’ models are deposed.

Cooks are deranged.

Dressmakers are unbiased.

Nudists are redressed.

Office clerks are defiled.

Mediums are dispirited.

Programmers are decoded.

Accountants are discredited.

Holy people are disgraced.

Pastry chefs are deserted.

Perfume makers are dissented.

Butterfly collectors are debugged.

Students are degraded.

Electricians are refused.

Bodybuilders are rebuffed.

Underwear models are debriefed

Painters are discolored.

Spinsters are dismissed.

Judges are disappointed.

Vegas dealers are discarded.

Mathematicians are discounted.

Tree surgeons disembark.

Top 25 Engineer’s Terms and Expressions (What they say versus what they mean)

A number of different approaches are being tried. (We are still guessing at this point.)

Close project coordination. (We sat down and had coffee together.)

An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach. (We just hired three punk kids out of school.)

Major technological breakthrough! (It works OK; but looks very hi-tech!)

Customer satisfaction is believed assured. (We are so far behind schedule, that the customer will take anything.)

Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive. (The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.)

Test results were extremely gratifying! (Unbelievable, it actually worked!)

The entire concept will have to be abandoned. (The only guy who understood the thing quit.)

It is in process. (It is so wrapped in red tape that the situation is completely hopeless.)

We will look into it. (Forget it! We have enough problems already.)

Please note and initial. (Let’s spread the responsibility for this.)

Give us the benefit of your thinking. (We’ll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn’t interfere with what we have already done or with what we are going to do.)

Give us your interpretation. (We can’t wait to hear your bull.)

See me or let’s discuss. (Come to my office, I’ve messed up again.)

All new. (Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.)

Rugged. (Don’t plan to lift it without major equipment.)

Robust! (Rugged, but more so)

Light weight. (Slightly lighter than rugged)

Years of development. (One finally worked)

Energy saving. (Achieved when the power switch is off.)

No maintenance. (Impossible to fix)

Low maintenance. (Nearly impossible to fix)

Fax me the data. (I’m too lazy to write it down.)

We are following the standard! (That’s the way we have always done it!)

I didn’t get your e-mail. (I haven’t checked my e-mail for days.)

Job Interview Quotations
Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees.

A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.

Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.

Candidate fell and broke arm during interview.

Candidate announced she hadn’t had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fies in the interviewers office.

Candidate explained that her long-term goals was to replace the interviewer.

Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.

Balding Candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a headpiece.

Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.

Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.

Candidate brought large dog to interview.

Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.

Candidate dozed off during interview.

The employers were also asked to list the “most unusual” questions that have been asked by job candidates.

“What is it that you people do at this company?”

“What is the company motto?”

“Why aren’t you in a more interesting business?”

“What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?”

“Why do you want references?”

“Do I have to dress for the next interview?”

“I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?”

“Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?”

“Will the company pay to relocate my horse?”

“Does your health insurance cover pets?”

“Would it be a problem if I’m angry most of the time?”

“Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?”

“Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?”

“Why am I here?”

Also included are a number of unusual statement made by candidates during the interview process.

I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement.

At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking.

I feel uneasy indoors.

Sometimes I feel like smashing things.

Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars.

I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington.

I get excited very easily.

I am fascinated by fire.

I like tall women.

People are always watching me.

If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back.

I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker.

I never get hungry.

I know who is responsible for most of my troubles

If the pay was right, I’d travel with the carnival.

I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me.

I think I’m going to throw-up.

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive’s wife stopped by his office. She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, “…and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.

Bill Gates meets Hugh Grant at a Hollywood party. They are talking and Bill says: “I’ve seen some great pictures of Divine Brown lately, I sure would like to get together with her!” Hugh replies: “Well Bill, you know ever since our incident, her price has skyrocketed, she’s charging a small fortune.”
Bill: “Hugh, money’s no object to me. What’s her number.” So, Hugh gives Bill her number and Bill sets up a date.

They meet & after they finish, Bill is lying there in ecstasy, mumbling “God…now I know why you chose the name Divine.”

To which she replies: “Thank you, Bill…..and now I know how you chose the name ….. Microsoft.”

Why did Michael Jackson rush to Wal-Mart?
Because he heard kids pants were half-off!

1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: “Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!”

2. Whistle the first seven notes of “It’s a Small World” incessantly.

3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: “Got enough air in there?”

4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

8. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go “plink” at the bottom.

9. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: “I’ve got new socks on!”

10. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: “Oh, no, not now, damn motion sickness!”

11. Meow occasionally.

12. Holler “Chutes away!” whenever the elevator descends.

13. Walk on with a cooler that says “human head” on the side.

14. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce “You’re one of THEM!” and move to the far corner of the elevator.

15. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers “through” it.

16. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask “is that your beeper?”

17. Say “Ding!” at each floor.

18. Say “I wonder what all these do” and push the red buttons.

19. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

20. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your “personal space.”

21. Announce in a demonic voice: “I must find a more suitable host body.”

22. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

23. Wear “X-Ray Specs” and leer suggestively at other passengers.

24. Stop at every floor, run off the elevator, then run back on.

You see a fabulous girl/guy at a party. You approach them and say, “I’m fantastic in bed.”

That’s Direct Marketing.

You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a fabulous girl/guy. You have one of your friends approach them, point at you and say, “She’s/He’s fantastic in bed.”

That’s Advertising.

You see a fabulous girl/guy at a party. You approach them to get their telephone number. The next day you call and say, “Hi, I’m fantastic in bed.”

That’s Telemarketing.

You’re at a party and see a fabulous girl/guy. You get up, straighten your clothes, walk up and pour them a drink. You open the door, pick up their bag after it drops, offer them a ride, and then say, “By the way, I’m fantastic in bed.”

That’s Public Relations.

You’re at a party and see a fabulous girl/guy. They walk up to you and say, “I hear you’re fantastic in bed.”

That’s Brand Recognition.

A redneck felt sick and decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him.
“I can’t seem to find the problem, but I think it has something to do with alcohol.”

“Well,” said the redneck, “then I’ll come back when you’re sober.’

If you have no cars that are mobile and 14 cars that aren’t, then you might be a redneck.

What do you call a bunch of tractors sittin outside a McDonalds in Arkansas? Senior Prom.

What’s smarter than a smart redneck? — A dumb hillbilly

What’s the diff between a Yankee and Southern Zoo?
On a Yankee zoo cage it shows animal and scientific name in Latin.

On a Southern zoo it has name of the animal & the recipe

A Tennessee man and an Alabama man were fighting in a war, and both were caught by the enemy. “Before i put you to death,” said the enemy, “do you have any last requests?” The Alabama man said, “Could you shoot me after you play the song ‘Yeah, Alabama?”
“Sure,” the man agreed. “How about you?”

The Tennessee man said, “COuld you shoot me before you play ‘Yeah, Alabam?”

You know you’re a redneck if your dog farts and you take the credit.

George W. Bush is visiting a primary school and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the discussion of the word “tragedy.”

So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers: “If my best friend who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy.”

“No,” says President Bush, “that would be an accident.”

A little girl raises her hand: “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.”

“I’m afraid not,” explains the exalted leader. “That’s what we would call a great loss.”

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”

Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: “If Air Force One carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.”

“Fantastic!” exclaims President Bush, “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?”

“Well,” says the boy, “because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss and it probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”

A man goes to Spain and attends a bullfight. Afterwards he goes to a nearby restaurant and orders the specialty of the day. The waiter brings him two very big balls on a huge plate, which the tourist eats with relish.

The next day he goes to the same restaurant again, once again orders the specialty of the day, and he is brought two very big balls on a huge plate. It tastes even more scrumptious.

The third day he does the same and the fourth, but on the fifth day he goes to the restaurant and orders the specialty of the day, and they bring him two very small balls on a big plate. The man asks, “What gives?”

And the waiter says, “Senor, the bullfighter doesn’t always win!”

Bubba was Alabama’s star lineman. He was great at football, but not at academics. The principal was letting it slide until one day he decided that Bubba’s grades HAD to be better. They decided to make him take a test. It was only one math problem. Everyone wanted to support Bubba out in the stands, so they held the test in the middle of the football stadium, so everyone could see. His math teacher went out to the center of the field with Bubba. It was test time. The teacher said, ”Ok, Bubba. What is six plus three?”

Bubba sat and thought. Then he said, ”nine,” confidently.

But out in the stands, everyone was yelling, ”Aw, c’mon. Give him another chance!”

Two hunters are stalking through the forest when one says to the other that he has to take a dump. ”Well, go in the bushes.”

”What should I use to wipe my ass?”

”Use a dollar bill.”

A few minutes later the hunter steps out of the bushes with shit all over his hands.

”What happened?” asks his friend.

”I didn’t have a dollar bill, so I used four quarters.”

Hockey players have been complaining about violence for years. It’s just that without any teeth, no one can understand them.

Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in a park in Toronto, when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick, wedges it down the dogs collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck. A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. “Young Leafs Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal,” he starts writing in his notebook. “But I’m not a Leafs fan,” the little hero replied. “Sorry, since we are in Toronto, I just assumed you were.” said the reporter and starts again. “Little Jays Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack” hecontinued writing in his notebook. “I’m not a Jays fan either,” the boy said. “I assumed everyone in Toronto was either for the Leafs or Jays fan. “What team do you root for?” the reporter asked. “I’m a Montreal Canadiens fan.” the child said. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, “Little French Bastard from Montreal Kills Beloved Family Pet.

A husband and wife team are playing for their golf club’s team championship. The match comes down to a very short putt on the 18th hole. The wife must make the putt to win the hole and the match, if she misses they lose the championship.

She putts and misses.

On the way home the husband says, “How could you possibly miss such a short putt, it wasn’t much longer than my willie?”

The wife says, “Yes dear, but it was much, much harder!”

What do you call an expert fisherman?

A masterbaiter.

Q) What did the hockey goalie say to his teammate?

A) Let’s get the “puck” out of here!

Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off of a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog’s collar and twists, breaking the dog’s neck. A reporter strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

“Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal,” he writes in his notebook.

“But I’m not a Giants fan,” the little hero replies.

“Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were,” says the reporter.

“Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack,” he writes in his notebook.

“I’m not a Jets fan either,” the boy says.

“I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?” the reporter asks.

“I’m a Cowboys fan,” the child says.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, “Little Redneck Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet”.

Why did the referees stop the leper hockey game?

There was a face-off in the corner.

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

“Ladies, exercise is good for you,” announced the teacher. “Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!”

The room was very quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

“Yes?” asked the instructor.

“Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”

What do Mike Tyson and a Metallica concert have in common?

At a Metallica concert you get ringing in the ears, and at a Mike Tyson fight, you get ears in the ring!

Two guys are hitting the links at their local golf and country club. Luckily, it’s a beautiful day, and there’s hardly anyone on the course, so they’ve been breezing through the holes. Up around the seventh tee, they spot the first people on the course other than themselves, two ladies who, from the guys’ perspective, are having trouble on the green. In fact, they’ve each five-putted it!
The first guy says ”Christ. I hope they just had a bad hole, I don’t want to follow these broads for the next eleven holes!” The second one goes, ”Well, maybe I’ll go talk to them, and maybe they can let us pass them. I’ll be back in a sec.”

So he trots off, about to go and ask to let them pass. Suddenly, about a hundred feet away from the women, he stops, turns and runs away from them as fast as he can. When he comes back, he exclaims, ”Jesus! That’s my wife and my girlfriend! They’re both here! Golfing together! I’m sorry, man, but I can’t say anything to them. I’m liable to be killed if they saw me. How about you go ask them?”

So the other guy concurs, and trots off to ask the women if they can pass and get on with their game. Then he stops suddenly, spins around and runs back to his buddy in the same manner. ”What’s wrong? What’s the matter?” his friend says. ”Same damn thing,” he replies.

Golfer: “Think I’m going to drown myself in the lake.”
Caddy: “Think you can keep your head down that long?”
Golfer: “I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.”
Caddy: “Try heaven, you’ve already moved most of the earth.”

Golfer: “Do you think my game is improving?”
Caddy: “Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.”

Golfer: “Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?”
Caddy: “Eventually.”

Golfer: “You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world.”
Caddy: “I don’t think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence.”

Golfer: “Please stop checking your watch all the time. It’s too much of a distraction.”
Caddy: “It’s not a watch – it’s a compass.”

Golfer: “How do you like my game?”
Caddy: “Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf.”

Golfer: “Do you think it’s a sin to play on Sunday?”
Caddy: “The way you play, sir, it’s a sin on any day.”

Golfer: “This is the worst course I’ve ever played on.”
Caddy: “This isn’t the golf course. We left that an hour ago.”

Golfer: “That can’t be my ball, it’s too old.”
Caddy: “It’s been a long time since we teed off, sir.”

What do you say to a football player in an Armani suit?
“Will the defendant please rise…”

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.
His first friend says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren’t mine.”

His second friend says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.”

Paddy says: “I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.” Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

“No, I’m serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.”

His first friend says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren’t mine.”

His second friend says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.”

Paddy says: “I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.” Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

“No, I’m serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.”

What do you call a bunch of millionaires sitting around watching the Super Bowl?
The Dallas Cowboys

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home.
“Where have you been?” demanded his wife when he entered the house.

“Darling,” replied the man, “I can’t lie to you. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary and we’ve been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn’t wake up until eight o’clock.”

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, “You lying bastard! You’ve been playing golf!”

A guy goes golfing with his girlfriend. As he tees off, she steps into ladies’ teebox and gets hit in the head with his drive. She is pronounced D.O.A. and taken to the morgue.
The coroner calls him in and says, “She definitely died from a blow to the head caused by the golf ball. But the only thing we can’t understand is why was there a golf ball in her rectum?”

“Oh,” he replies, “that must have been my mulligan.”

A guy was limping, and his friend asked him what was up.
“You know, my foot bugs me sometimes. It’s just an old basketball injury.”

“Uh, aren’t you kinda short for a basketball player?”

“Oh – no – I never played basketball, I just lost a load of money on the NBA finals last year, and kicked in the TV.”

In a class on abnormal psychology, the instructor was about to introduce the subject of manic depression.
The instructor asked, “How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth, screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?”

A young man in the rear raised his hand and suggested earnestly, “A basketball coach?”

1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft’s all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can’t get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I’ve got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

Three Americans were up against a very large Russian in a wrestling meet. They were nervous because he had a famous move called “The Russian Pretzel,” which often landed his opponents in the hospital.
When the first American caught a glimpse of him, he said, “Coach, he’s HUGE. I’m scared.”

The coach replied, “You da MAN! Just go in there and tear him up!”

The guy started the match quite confidently, but after about a minute, the Russian picked him up, slammed him into the famous pretzel, and sent him to the emergency room.

The same thing happened to the second wrestler, so the third guy was petrified. He told his coach he was backing out.

The coach said, “C’mon, son. You’re our last chance!”

The kid started out pretty well, but when the Russian started to twist him into the pretzel, the coach covered his eyes. When he opened them, he saw the referee holding the American’s hand up in victory. The coach, baffled, asked the kid how he did it.

“Well Coach, when that damn Russian picked me up and started twisting my body, it HURT! So when I saw two red things dangling there, I bit them… HARD! You’d be surprised what you can do when you bite your own nuts!”

A teacher asks her students if they’re Yankees fans. All of the hands go up except for one student.
“Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?”

“The Red Sox.”

“Why’s that?”

“Well, my parents are both Red Sox fans, so I’m a Red Sox fan too.”

“That’s not a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both morons, would you be a moron too?”

“No, that would make me a Yankees fan!”

George looks like a golf pro in his designer outfit but he slices his first drive deep into the woods. Rather than accept a penalty, he decides to try using an iron to get back on the fairway.
His ball ricochets off a tree and strikes him on the forehead, killing him.

When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets him. “You look like a golfer. Are you any good?”

George replies, “I got here in two, didn’t I?”

You might be a redneck if it takes two twinkies, a beer and your sister to get to second base.

*Stand on top of the high board and say you won’t come down until your demands are met.
*Tell the lifeguards that they aren’t doing their jobs because you have seen at least 15 people drown today.

*Ask people if they have seen your pet shark.

*Sit in the baby pool and play with the toys.

*Take a flutter board and pretend you can’t swim.

*Hit strangers with your flutter board.

*Ask an attractive lifeguard to practise CPR on you.

*Sit in front of a water jet, make moaning sounds and say, ”Oh yeah… oooh that feels soooo good….”

*Sit on the top of the water slide and don’t move.

*Swim near a stranger and go ”Dammit I knew I shouldn’t have had watermelon before I came here.”

*Insist that you saw a monster at the bottom of the pool.

*Pretend to drown and then when someone tries to help you, say ”HA-HA, fooled you!” *Scream as someone is trying to do something when jumping off of a diving board. *Laugh at fat people in swimsuits.

*Tell people you saw the lifeguard pissing in the pool.

*Ask a lifeguard if skinny-dipping is allowed.

*Try to negotiate the price of getting in.

*Take a really long time when you are on top of the high dive and then act as though you were pushed off.

*When in line, ask strangers if they think invisble people get a discount.

*Take your towel, tie it around your shoulders and say ”Wheee! I’m Batman!” while running around.

*Hit strangers with your wet towel.

*Throw people’s things into the pool.

*Sing and dance on top of the dinving board, then do a belly-flop as your grande-finale. *Play Marco-Polo by yourself.

*Ask small children if they have seen any suspicious-looking sea monsters lately.

You feel scarfs are the worst human accessory ever

You love lieing on a grave at a cemetary at night but hate lieing in the sun at a beach

You are a member of the Six Feet Under Club

You become a non-profit blood importer

You are a grave digger and exchange your coffin for another if you find a nicer one

You are required to give a blood sample but you won’t unless you get one back

For Show and Tell, you let your kids bring in their coffins

As a kid, no one ever wanted to play Tag with you because no one ever tagged you and lived

You have had more than one person try to stab you in the heart with a stake

You go to the beach wearing SPF 500 sun lotion and holding a tent-size umbrella

You are on vacation driving a hearse with an empty coffin in back

You take part in a celebrity boxing match against Buffy The Vampire Slayer

You have ever stolen a bloodmobile

You remember where you were when Count Dracula was declared Count

On dating sites, you are most attracted to women that look like Lily from The Munsters

You like going to social events because you like getting to know the people you are about to kill

You have been chased by angry mobs with torches on more than one ocassion

You are on the dark drink diet

Your favorite place in the world is in a coffin with a view

You are successful Coffin Sales Rep

You go to a funeral home and try to trade your old coffin in for a newer model

You are looking to find blood substitutes to curve your cravings

Your worse nightmare is belonging to a close-knit family made up entirely of vampire hunters

You grew up always wanting to be a fang specialist

The sun makes you break out in… death

Necking is what you consider love-making

You get jealous seeing a leech sucking on a human

You are a gourmet chef who kills anyone who uses garlic in the kitchen

You can’t press the plus (+) button on your keyword because it looks too much like a cross

You always find yourself making a bloody mess at dinnertime

You have nightmares of getting your teeth pulled by a dentist named Buffy

You know more about vampirism than capitalism

Someone says to you “Vampire’s Suck” and you say “Duh, we have to eat too!”

You don’t understand why blood isn’t sold in supermarkets

You wake up screaming from nightmares of Buffy the Vampire Slayer

You call all your girl friends “goons”

Your dream job is to work in the blood department for the Red Cross

You are tracing your family history by comparing bite marks

You defriend someone on Facebook for suggesting getting together at the beach to catch some rays

You open a Bloodbucks cafe to serve the vampire community

On Halloween you get mad at people for dressing up in vampire costumes pretending to be someone they are not

On Halloween you sleep waiting for Dracula to come down the chimney to bring you lots of humans

You start a neck-biting range for vampires to practice their aim

You refuse to date anyone named Buffy

Your idea of a scary movie is watching humans kill the last vampire on earth

Your worse nightmare is waking up to a world without humans

You look at blood the way party-goers look at beer

During winter you are careful not to select people who are too cold to avoid frostbite

You consider coming out of the closet as a vampire at a Twilight premier party

Your class looks to you for ideas on how to dress and act like a vampire

You own a bar that requires a blood sample instead of ID to enter

Someone mentions the word ‘vessel’ and you immediately think of ‘blood vessels’

You notice you can outrun a cheetah

You look at people the same way they look at a buffet

Your friends bring humans as gifts to your birthday party

You grew up receiving gifts on Halloween instead of Christmas

Your party friends look to you to be the designated bottle opener

As a kid you knew more about Count Dracula than you did the Count on Sesame Street

Halloween is the only day of the year you feel you can be yourself

You like a good Bloody Mary from concentrate