Nerd Jokes

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying “Nerds Not Allowed — Enter At Your Own Risk!” He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him.
“You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?”
“I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I’m hauling.”
“Okay, truck drivers are not nerds, ” he says and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked.
“Why did you do that?”
“Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don’t even need a license.” The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can’t let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
“What’s wrong? I thought nerds were in season, ” says the truck driver.
“Well, sure, ” says the patrolman. “But you can’t bait ‘em.”

How many ears does Spock have?

Three: One on the right, one on the left, and the final “front ear.”

You might be a computer nerd if you can’t get up in the middle of the night to go use the bathroom without checking your email!

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineeer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, “Why don`t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it`ll work !?”

What was the astronaut doing on the computer?

Looking for the space bar.

A nerd was walking on campus one day when his friend, another nerd, rode up on an incredible shiny new bicycle. The first nerd was stunned and asked, “Where did you get such a nice bike?”

The second nerd replied, “Well, yesterday I was walking home minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, ’Take what you want!’”

The second nerd nodded approvingly and said, “Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”

You know you’re a computer nerd when you know more IP addresses than phone numbers!

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, ’I think I’ve lost an electron.’

The other says ’Are you sure?’

The first says, ’Yes, I’m positive.’!

An economic forecaster was known to have an horseshoe prominently displayed above the door frame of his office.

Asked what it was for, he replied that it was a good luck charm that helped his forecasts. But do you believe in that superstition? he was asked,

he said, “Of course not!”

But then why do you keep it?

“Well,” he said, “it works whether you believe in it or not.”

The story is actually told about a non-economist, Danish Nobel prize winner Niels Bohr.

Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the earth every year.

If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth’s surface.

This would explain the death of the dinosaurs…the tallest ones, anyway.

What do you get when you talk to a nerd?

His lunch money.

Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?

It’s ’cause he didn’t have the guts!

How do prisoners call each other?

On their cell phones.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work?

A stick.

– A total of 4000 cans are opened around the world every second
– Ten babies are conceived around the world every second
– Each time you open a can, you stand a 1 in 400 chance of falling pregnant
– Ten percent of all car thieves are left-handed
– All polar bears are left-handed
– If your car is stolen, there’s a 10 percent chance it was nicked by a Polar bear

If you introduce your wife as “mylady@home.wife”

If your family sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner

If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie

If you want an 8X CDROM for Christmas

If Dilbert is your hero

If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven

If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes

If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail

If you introduce your wife as “mylady@home.wife”

If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place

If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids’ toys

If you use a CAD package to design your son’s Pine Wood Derby car

1) All of your friends have @ in their names

2) You can’t call your mother…she doesn’t have a modem

3) Your spouse makes a new rule… Computers don’t come to bed.

4) You laugh at people with 56K modems.

5) You start tilting your head to smile 🙂

6) Your phone bill comes to your house in a box

7) You find yourself typing com after every period

8) You start introducing your self as “Jon@internet.com”

What goes a hundred miles an hour around the desert?

An Ethiopian with a free voucher at McDonald’s!

Professor Sokolsky was lecturing his Atomic physics class. He asked, “If molecules can be split into atoms and the atoms split into electrons, can the electrons be broken down any further?”

A pupil replied, “I’m not certain, but a sure way to find out would be to mail some of them in a Christmas package marked ‘fragile’.”