Ways To Annoy Your College Roommate

* Smoke jimson weed.ᅠ Do whatever comes naturally.

* Switch the sheets on your beds with the next door neighbors.

* Twitch a lot.

* Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.

* Steal a fishtank.ᅠ Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it.ᅠ Talk to them.

* Walk and talk backwards.

* Spend all your money on Jolt Cola.ᅠ Drink it all.

* Ask your roommate if your family can move in “just for a couple of weeks.”

* Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can.ᅠ Pretend to masturbate while reading them.

* Smile.ᅠ All the time.

* Collect dog shit in baby food jars.ᅠ Sort them according to what you think the dog ate.

* Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can.ᅠ When you get hungry, root around in the trash. ᅠFind the food, and eat it.ᅠ If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that she/he reimburse you.

* Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.

* Shoot rubber bands at your mate while his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly.

* Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate’s closet.ᅠ Accuse him/her of stealing it.

* Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up and announce that you are going to take a shower. ᅠ Do so.ᅠ Keep this up for three weeks.

* Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.

* Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with, “Didja ever wonder why….” Be creative.

* Always flush the toilet three times.

* Buy a copy of Weird Al Yankovic’s “Pennsylvania Polka,” and play it at least 6 hours a day.ᅠ If your roommate complains, explain that it’s an assignment for your primitive cultures class.

* Listen to radio static.

* Cover one of the walls with polaroids of fire hydrants from all over the city.ᅠ Tell your roommate that you think that you were a dog in a former life.ᅠ Stare lovingly at the photos, and make frequent trips to the bathroom.

* Get a small, battery-operated clock which ticks very loudly.ᅠ Put it in a briefcase and put the briefcase next to your mate’s bed.

* Expound upon the importance of good personal hygiene. Wear rubber gloves and a surgical mask in the room.

* Eat an entire bag of cheese curls at once.ᅠ When you are finished, see how many times you can make orange fingerprints from all of the cheese junk left on your fingers.

* Walk around in circles all the time.ᅠ Complain that your turn signal is stuck.

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